Northern exposure: Canada to unveil a porn channel

Share with others:


Print Email Read Later

Got two words for you this week: Canadian porn.

I don't think I need to write anything else. I'll just let you think about that, and I can log off and head home early. Sometimes the universe hands you a lovely gift with a big bow on it, which makes a nice change from all the days the universe jumps out from behind something and stabs you in the head with a railroad spike.

OK, OK, I realize I can't dangle a non sequitur like "Canadian porn" in front of you and then walk away from it. Send the kids out for ice cream and draw the curtains.

We all know that a lot of Canadian actors have come to New York or Hollywood to realize their dreams. I have no clue how many have come down here to the States to make it big in the porn biz, but if all goes according to plan, they won't have to. They will soon have their own channel, specializing in skin flicks with no tan lines.

The Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission has granted Alberta-based Real Productions approval for a digital pornography channel. It's to be called Northern Peaks.

The company has, in turn, pledged to feature at least 50 percent domestic content. That's a LOT of goosebumps.

I read several news reports about this, to be sure I wasn't hallucinating. My favorite was from the Fort Saskatchewan (Alberta) Herald, whose writer led her story with a gritty bit of scene-setting. Here's how you know it's porn: "Inside a cramped, dimly-lit building ..." and here's how you know it's Canada: "tucked between a bike shop and a yoga studio ..."

Why does Canada crave homegrown porn? The broadcast regulations require only 15 percent Canadian content, but Real Productions' owner voluntarily promised 50 percent. How will anyone be able to tell? Will the guys keep their tuques on? Will the women say things like, "I don't have any money, but I bet I can think of another way to pay for this Pizza Pizza, eh?"

The station will be English-language, so it's not even as if they'll have to do every scene a second time going, "Oui! Oui!"

Apparently, Canadians are weary of nude Americans. Real Productions President Shaun Donnelly said in a Reuters article, "I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff. There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket."

Really? I've lived in the land of American porn my whole life, and I've never once imagined I could meet our porn stars at the supermarket. They don't look local. They don't even look terrestrial.

If I thought I could run into people like that at Canadian Tire, I'd burn my passport.

But wait: Real Productions has also pledged not to use porn pros. Now any amorous amateur from Winnipeg or Jasper can disrobe for the camera and then spend the rest of his or her life explaining about being young and needing the money.

As Real Productions' VP for marketing, Ashley Corsiatto, told the Herald, "I don't know about you, but I'm tired of seeing the Silicon Valley girls constantly." Well, it may be time to develop a more wholesome hobby.

"Different people like different things. You can't keep serving the same thing over and over and expect them to swallow it."

So, with an all-Canuck cast, Northern Peaks just needs to find a distributor channel. And, of course, comply with other requirements of a Canadian broadcasting license. For example, programming must conform to certain categories: long-form documentaries, dramatic series, game shows, miniseries and sitcoms as well as movies.

There are a LOT of jokes I could make here, but I don't want my editors to cut the whole second half of the column. I'm just going to say this:

Game shows?

This is Canada, for John A. Macdonald's sake, not Japan.

Another requirement is that all the dialogue -- I'm obviously using that word very, very loosely -- will have to be closed-captioned.

Talk aboot dirty jobs.

This new industry may finally cut down on the grousing about softwood lumber, but does it mean Canada has gone all skanky? Hey, as the marketing maven put it, "This is going to be a subscription channel. ... We're not forcing this down anyone's throat."

All right. I'm really logging off now. But give me credit: I got through this whole thing without making a Mountie joke.


Samantha Bennett can be reached at sbennett@post-gazette.com or 412-263-3572.


Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement

You have 2 remaining free articles this month

Try unlimited digital access

If you are an existing subscriber,
link your account for free access. Start here

You’ve reached the limit of free articles this month.

To continue unlimited reading

If you are an existing subscriber,
link your account for free access. Start here