The follies to come in 2014

Ben Krull peers into the future and tells us what he sees


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Who will be the first celebrity to apologize for an offensive tweet? Which politician’s extra-marital affair will be exposed on YouTube? Test your powers to predict the wackiest events of 2014. 

1. The biggest surprise about Obamacare will be:

a) It only covers treatment by faith-healers.

b) It only covers car insurance.

c) The website will be working and enrollment will soar, but the insurance will only be accepted in Canada.

 

2. The biggest sports story will be:

a) After being suspended by Major League Baseball for using steroids, Alex Rodriguez enters and wins the Tour de France.

b) Several retired NFL players find second careers as crash-test dummies. Studies show that their new jobs are significantly safer than their old ones.

c) Vladmir Putin bans show tunes from being played during the Winter Olympics’ male ice-skating dance competition. Tight-fitting pants are also prohibited.

 

3. The Emmy will go to:

a) “Mad Men”: A group of politicians drink copious amounts of alcoholic iced teas, and become so inebriated that they shut down the government. On the season finale they wake up with a hangover to find themselves unemployed and unable to download health insurance applications.

b) “The Blacklist”: A drama about department store security guards on the lookout for shoplifters in Barneys and Macy’s. Jay Z wins an Emmy for best theme song.

c) “The Walking Dead”: A reality series about seriously ill Americans who are denied health benefits by Obamacare death panels.

d) “Homeland”: A miniseries created by Fox News that follows a fictional illegal Mexican immigrant as she collects welfare benefits, gives birth to an anchor baby, votes in several elections and eventually wins the presidency after forging her birth certificate.

 

4. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie will …

a) Become one of Sen. Corey Booker’s Twitter followers.

b) Become a season ticket holder to University of Iowa football games.

c) Write the best-selling book “Finding Peace and Calm Through Yoga,” with an introduction by Hilaria and Alec Baldwin.

 

5. In an attempt to pay off its debt, Detroit will …

a) Join the European Union and ask Germany for a bailout.

b) Launch a surprise attack on Canada and take over the tar sands.

c) Take the 100-to-1 odds offered by Vegas and bet its entire budget on the Lions making the Super Bowl.

 

6. Pope Francis will …

a) Get arrested at an Occupy the Vatican protest.

b) Pass Justin Bieber in number of Twitter followers, inspiring the Grammy-nominated pop star to dedicate himself to Christian music.

c) Draw record ratings from his reality TV series “Papal Dynasty” but face a fine of $1 million by the FCC for using the “b” word to describe Sarah Palin after the former governor calls Francis a “Kommie Sympathighzer” in a Facebook post.

 

7. New York Mayor Bill de Blasio will …

a) Commission Bansky to draw graffiti all over Michael Bloomberg’s official City Hall portrait.

b) Replace stop-and-frisk with a new policing strategy called touchy-feely.

c) Join the Knicks after free agent Carmelo Anthony leaves the NBA franchise and then, standing 6-feet-6, will instantly become the best player on the team.

 

8. These new words will find their way into Webster’s Dictionary:

a) Afghanisgone: what Afghanistan is called after U.S. troops leave the country and the Taliban regain power.

b) Jwerk: a pop star who displays over-sexualized behavior while performing.

c) Mistwake: an offensive celebrity tweet that requires the tweeter to issue an apology.

d) Homotextual: a technology addict who spends all his time at home texting, tweeting, liking and streaming.

 

9. For extra credit! Will …

a) Congressional Republicans refuse to raise the debt ceiling, causing the bond market to crater, after which Wall Street is renamed China Town?

b) NSA leaks show that the spy agency spends most of its resources monitoring phone calls on sports talk radio?

c) Anthony Weiner runs for mayor of Toronto … and wins?

 

Ben Krull is freelance writer based in New York City.


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