Curious as to what Pittsburghers were asking from Santa this year, The Morning File investigative team did what any good group of journalists would -- broke into the mail delivery central processing center on the North Side and started rummaging around.
Here's some of what they found:
I know that popular legend has it that you are the arbiter of whether I've been naughty or nice this year, but I really think that decision is best left in the hands of a grand jury. Once we let that play out, I'm confident I will be vindicated and deserving of a gift. I mean, it's not like I was caught smoking crack cocaine or anything, like some mayors.
A lot has been said and written about me in the past year by people I have had to remove from my Christmas list, which is actually quite a relief, as it's resulted in much less frantic shopping for me to do in recent weeks. I would recommend that you likewise consider easing your own load on Christmas morning by sparing yourself trips to the homes of the local media and members of the incoming Peduto administration and the Pittsburgh office of the U.S. attorney and FBI.
If you do agree, once all the evidence is before you, that I am deserving this year, I would simply ask for a new job where the hours are not long, no one asks me questions, and there are ample country club and concert perks. Is that too much to ask?
First of all, I want to thank you for last year's Christmas gifts. The new pitchers and catcher you gave me were so much fun to play with! The holiday lasted all year thanks to guys named Liriano and Melancon and Martin.
If you can't do the same for me this year, I understand, because there lots of other boys managing baseball clubs that I know you also have to take into account. It would be wrong of me to be greedy, but ...
If you could possibly, maybe, by some chance bring me a new first baseman, I would be soooo happy! I promise I would take good care of him and play him only against right-handed pitchers. The rest of the time I would keep him wrapped in his packaging and admire him, the way everyone used to do Garrett Jones, but I would never let him get dirty or hurt or anything.
Even if you can't bring me a first baseman, Santa, don't worry -- I still love you.
We have a problem. We know it's not your fault, but there's a defect with the new Pennsylvania law you gave us a couple of years ago relating to how and where we drill for natural gas.
Because of a recent court order that came to our attention, well within what we believe to be the legal warranty period on holiday gifts, we are returning the law and asking that you have your elves in Harrisburg come up with something longer-lasting but no less favorable.
If this does not occur, we will have our lawyers look into the matter and you can anticipate being tied up in years of protracted litigation. It would be a shame if this had to interfere with your ability to deliver gifts to the children of the world, so we hope you will give our request prompt attention.
THE MARCELLUS SHALE COALITION
I would like a bridge named after me. Everyone who's anyone from Pittsburgh gets a bridge named after them. I used to think you had to be dead before that happened, but based on the David McCullough Bridge, that's apparently not the case. So, yes, if it's not too much trouble, please get my name on a bridge.
DR. CYRIL H. WECHT
I know people think I've been bad, but I also think you're smart enough to know the truth and that I deserve something this Christmas.
But being as I do have this image problem, I am hoping that you can put under my tree on Christmas morning a big, shiny new marketing campaign. If it's too big to wrap and put a fancy ribbon on, that's OK. I would just appreciate something, anything, that makes me and my institution (notice I didn't say "employees") look better for all the good work we do.
If you can't get me that, I guess a football would be fine.