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Sunday, January 12, 2003

By David Templeton, Post-Gazette Staff Writer

I am so white I make a marshmallow look tanned. You can spot me in a snowstorm because I'm the whiter splotch. You could show The Wizard of Oz in full Technicolor on my white belly.

	Seldom Seem, David Templeton's whimsical perspective on life and times in and around Washington County, appears weekly in Washington Sunday.

That's to say, a good tan for me is the color of the newspaper you are reading.

Move over pork -- I'm the other white meat.

Recently, I read that Riviera Sun Tanning Salon and Gifts in South Strabane had acquired a $30,000 Sun Spritz machine that gives people a tan in less than 10 seconds. Zap! Bam! Pow! And there is no ultraviolet radiation to worry about.

Instead, this stainless steel cylinder that looks like something out of Star Trek sprays you with a slimy, nontoxic chemical -- DHA with bronzing solution -- that ripens in 24 hours into a handsome tan, and all for $25.

And what better time of year to get a tan than January, when you can show off your beige accouterments against the driven snow. But I figured I'd get a tan because I wanted people, for once, to distinguish me from Frosty. I get tired of being called Dairy King.

So I made an appointment.

Actually, I haven't had a tan since about 1966, when I greased myself with Coppertone and positioned myself under the sun for three days. I turned so bright orange I felt like the Great Pumpkin. I finally realized tanning was not for me after spending a week doing roof work and ending up with sun poisoning.

Besides, it takes too many hours for nature's oven to brown my filets. The fact I will never bloom or experience photosynthesis makes lying in the sun seem like a waste of good daylight.

But the idea of spending a few seconds in a nontoxic mist changed my mind. This was doable.

Of course, there is some preparation.

I had to take off my clothes and put on my blue boxers decorated with little border collies, then read the directions about doing a little dance inside the cylinder to make sure the nine jet sprays can shoot solution into my every nook and cranny.

I pushed the button, jumped into the cylinder, closed the glass door and got a new paint job like some old Ford truck. OK, I forgot the shower cap. I also forgot to close my mouth, so I got the full taste of DHA with bronzing solution. I would not recommend it as a dip with tortilla chips.

After the misting, I had to rub the mist into my skin, especially into my heels and elbows, then wipe off my fingernails and toenails before washing my hands. I was forbidden to perspire, swim or shower for seven hours.

But, glory be, I ended up with tan that's not orange. If George Hamilton had this tan, he'd go into hiding. But I was thinking I looked pretty svelte.

I was dark white.

The fact is, many Americans are obsessed with tans. Rose Pepper, owner of the Riviera Salon, said a tan gives people the look of good health. The argument is, I guess, why look like marble if you can look like bronze?

Riviera on Oak Spring Road is the largest tanning salon in Washington County, Rose said, with 18 tanning beds and booths including the Spritz. She said the only other Sun Spritz on the East Coast is in New York City.

Before purchasing the unit, she figured it would be profitable if 45 people got a Sun Spritz tan each month. In the month after it was installed in November, she had about 150 people get tans in the Spritz -- three times the needed number.

Rose's salon always is busy. She said she has 100 people a day getting tans this time of year. That number will jump to 500 a day in February, most in tanning beds.

The reason the Spritz is experiencing early success is the fact it does not leave the person looking orange, among other features.

"It's futuristic stainless steel with no moving parts," Rose said.

The Sun Spritz is licensed and distributed by Heartland Tanning Inc. in Lee's Summit, Mo. Laurie Gillespie, Heartland's marketing manager, said the process is purely cosmetic.

It is ideal for people who need an instant tan, including brides and people who cannot tolerate exposure to sunlight or ultraviolet radiation, including pregnant women.

It simply is a method of dyeing the skin for one week.

"You won't go in and come out looking like Jennifer Lopez in one session," she said, noting that it is a gradual process and can be repeated daily. The popularity is based on its success in giving people a "healthy glow."

"We don't want clients looking like orange crayons," she said. "It's a great alternative means to getting a tan at the last minute."

After being duly Spritzed, I went home and my wife stared at me for long minutes. There was something different about me. I had this healthy glow. I looked like Jennifer Lopez.

She gave me a sinister stare for a full minute, trying to figure out the mystery. I sat at the table with my head poised and jaw jutting. I gave her my best Tom Cruise pose.

When I finally explained that I received a spray-on tan, her nose crinkled with doubt. But I got another full inspection. I had to turn around, raise my shirt, lower my belt, and prove to her I had a tan line -- the first tan line she could ever recall me having.

She softened. She smiled. She admitted -- and my daughters will confirm this -- I looked kinda hot.

Wow, this Spritz stuff really worked.

It made me think I should do it again, maybe before our next big date in 2004.

But knowing me, I probably won't bother.

I'm too used to being a whiter shade of pale, the color of toilet paper, the hue of a freshly pealed potato. I have gotten used to blending in with the refrigerator.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed my instant-tan experience, I'm resigned to spending the rest of my life looking like pork.

David Templeton can be reached at dtempleton@post-gazette.com or 724-746-8652.