Money, romance a wacky mix in 'Cruelty'

Friday, October 10, 2003

By Barry Paris,Post-Gazette Film Critic

Don't ask for whom the wedding bells toll: They toll for whomever signed and tries to break "the Massey pre-nup" agreement in the Coen Brothers' "Intolerable Cruelty."

It's a broad screwball comedy of Beverly Hills legal errors, starring George Clooney as legal eagle Miles Massey, who considers the concept of "no-fault divorce" an oxymoron.

	'INTOLERABLE CRUELTY' Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual content Starring: George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Billy Bob Thornton Director: Joel Coen

Miles is legendary in -- and the darling of -- his own firm. For the second year in a row, he's the keynote speaker at the convention of the National Organization of Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide (NOMAN), whose fabulous slogan is: "What God hath joined, let NOMAN put asunder." Last year, his speech was on the disposition of marital assets following murder-suicide.

When wealthy real-estate developer Rex Rexroth (Edward Herrmann) is caught in flagrante and on video (playing out a choo-choo fetish), Miles gets him off the divorce hook without having to pay a dime. For that, he earns Rexroth's undying gratitude and the undying enmity of Mrs. Rexroth, played by Catherine Zeta-Jones.

The premise is funny and breathtakingly audacious in terms of its real-life relevance to the female star. You may recall that she's the recent Oscar-winner for "Chicago" and the fairly recent wife of actor-producer Michael Douglas. You may not recall that their wedding plans nearly foundered on their plans for divorce.

At issue was how big a chunk of Douglas' $224 million assets Zeta-Jones would get when -- not "if"! -- their marriage hit the rocks. And who could blame her?

On the other hand, who could blame him? I thank God my own wife, bless her foolish heart, was too naive to saddle me with a pre-nup in 1975. Had she done so at Zeta-Jones' desired rate of $4.4 million per year, I'd now owe her $123 million.

How do upscale Hollywood couples love each other? When they count the ways, they compute quarterly with compound interest -- substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Zeta-Jones' price was eventually fixed -- not unlike a barrel of oil, an ounce of gold bullion or a bushel of soybeans -- at $3 million annually.

The price of this film is worth paying, not so much to see Clooney and Z-J, who exude minimal chemistry -- if chemistry can be exuded -- but to savor the supporting performances and the Ethan and Joel Coen script.

"What do Attila the Hun, Ivan the Terrible and Henry the Eighth have in common?" Power is the correct answer, but "their middle name" comes the reply.

OK, so it's not "Fargo" quality. But it has hilarious moments and also, by the way, the most gorgeous opening-credits animated sequence (a la Monty Python) I've seen in ages.

Geoffrey Rush and Billy Bob Thornton do wonderful turns. Best of all is Cedric the Entertainer as private detective Gus Petch, harried by Rottweilers.

Jonathan Hadary as Baron Krauss von Espy (with his dog on the witness stand) is absurdly over-the-top -- but still a riot.

Clooney, though ... he's like Richard Gere. If only they were as dashing as they look. He's not bad, but this part cries out for a Billy Crystal or Robin Williams or at least Hugh Grant.

My favorite sick touch: a magazine, in the ancient law firm director's waiting room, called "Living Without Intestines."

Barry Paris can be reached at 412-263-3859.

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