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Life Support: Unlucky numbers Psychics foretell a fat phone bill
Wednesday, March 08, 2000 By Danny Dugan
Sometimes you get the feeling that the times are too good in America and we need to invent goofy ways to spend our money. One sign of this is the proliferation of those psychic phone lines where a customer calls a stranger who proceeds to tell them all about the caller's life.
Amazing. And it only costs from $1.99 to $3.99 a minute.
The object here is to keep the caller on the line for as long as possible to rack up the bill. The commercials on television for these services are fantastic, with everyone oohing and ahhing over the "predictions." You can just imagine how the conversation goes.
Psychic: Let's see, caller. You say you work at the zoo? Are you romantically involved with a zebra?
Caller: No, but my husband referees high school basketball games.
Psychic: Well, there you go. I knew I saw black and white stripes in your aura.
Caller: (mystified) You're fantastic.
Psychic: Hang on the line. Let's talk about the rest of your family and all the problems you have with them. I see your mother in a fur coat. Strange, she won't take it off...
Caller: (breathless) Yes, yes. She thinks she's a cat, and she's playing havoc with our living room furniture, always sharpening her claws.
Psychic: I also see your mother acting all high and mighty with you.
Caller: Oh, yes! Right now she's high up in a tree in our front yard, and she won't come down.
Psychic: Well, there you go. Don't worry about your mom. I see her coming down when she gets hungry. Now, do you have a sister?
Caller: (overwhelmed) Yes, I do!
Psychic: I see her involved with someone who has an "e" in his last name.
Caller: Well actually, no. His last name is SMITH.
Psychic: Ahh, yes. But that name is from the old English, who spelled the name as SMITHE.
Caller: (gasping) You are unbelievable!
Psychic: Thank you. Now I'm getting a sense of someone involved with music shortly before their death. Have you ever had anybody die in your family?
Caller: (bewildered) My Uncle Gus just passed away. But he didn't like music. Hey, wait a minute. I remember now. In his hospital room he was hooked up to a respirator. You know. The machine with that hickey that goes up and down. It sort of looks like an accordion.
Psychic: Ahh, yes. That would explain why there is no music coming from the accordion.
Caller: (exuberantly) I'm so glad I found you. My life didn't make any sense before.
Psychic: I'm only here to help. I'm getting some more information about you from the other side. Do you have any children?
Caller: Yes.
Psychic: A son?
Caller: No.
Psychic: A daughter then.
Caller: Yes!
Psychic: Is she romantically involved with someone?
Caller: Yes!
Psychic: A man?
Caller: Yes! Yes!
Psychic: I see this man involved in an occupation with international ramifications and possible travel to foreign countries.
Caller: (awestruck) My daughter's fiance, Fred, unloads banana trucks in the Strip District.
Psychic: Well, there you go. It's a well-known fact that the banana is an international commodity.
Caller: And, he's been nominated to be the local delegate to the banana packers and unpackers convention in Ecuador next year.
Psychic: I thought so. Now hold on the line. Let's discuss the rest of your family. You had four grandparents, right?
Caller: (dumbfounded) Wow!...
And on and on it goes for an average of 30 minutes a call. After observing this scam, I can make my own prediction for the caller's future. Your phone bill will make you (or your parents) sick.
Danny Dugan is a policeman and free-lance writer who lives in O'Hara. He can be reached at ddugan8184@aol.com.
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