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Sunday, July 27, 2003

By Gary Rotstein, Post-Gazette Staff Writer

It's not that Roxanne Thomas or Deborah Lanier or Debra Gloster or Mone Parker object to marriage or full-time male companions, it's just not happening, but that's OK.

	Roxanne Thomas, a divorced 43-year-old mother in Bloomfield, raised her two sons, Gary 23, center, and Garrett, 21, and has taken care of her nieces, Tamara Hall, 21, left, and Sharry Hall, 20, for five years. (Lake Fong, Post-Gazette)

"I have support from the rest of my family," said Gloster, a Highland Park mother of two who has been divorced for 15 years. "Maybe it's that I'm more [independent] now, and able to do for myself. ... You just have to be patient, and if it's meant to happen, it will."

Among them, the four single mothers of varying income and educational backgrounds have 11 biological children and three others they've helped raise who were born to friends or relatives.

In some but not all cases, the fathers remained involved in their children's lives from outside the home and even out of state.

Parker has never married, and the three others were divorced in the 1980s and never remarried.

They illustrate a sharp statistical difference between the races when it comes to relationships and pairing.

A half century ago, when their living arrangements more closely resembled white counterparts, more than 60 percent of black people were married.

Census estimates from 2002 showed 29 percent of black women and 38 percent of black men were married and living with their spouse, compared with 54 percent of white women and 57 percent of white men. (The Census Bureau bases its numbers on a survey of the population 15 and older, rather than only adults.)

Divorce rates are higher among black couples than whites, and marriage and remarriage rates are lower. One recent survey found that 32 percent of divorced black women remarry within five years, compared with 58 percent of white women.

Researchers often ascribe the African-American differences to wariness from economic insecurity and, particularly in the case of remarriage, an imbalance in which females outnumber males from birth. Mortality differences only skew the ratio further with age, which, along with intermarriage trends, explains why black men are married at a higher rate than black women.

In addition to the difference in sheer numbers, the share of men viewed by women as suitable mates is affected by their problems with the criminal justice system or job retention.

Andrea McNeill, 37, of Homewood, grew up in a single-mother household because her father was murdered when she was 3. The librarian and her husband, Wayne, have been married for 15 years while raising two children.

"I think a lot of it is dictated by your circumstances, rather than a conscious choice," McNeill said of family situations. "I don't perceive any differences in white and black families as far as what we want. We want the same things across the color span."

Some of the local women interviewed said a shortage of potential husbands was apparent to them.

"It's very hard," said Thomas, 43, of Bloomfield, an employment and services counselor. "At my age, they are usually married or set in their ways."

Like many other single mothers, Thomas found no shortage of help from relatives, including males, in raising her two sons, now in their early 20s. Thomas has also had two nieces living with her the past five years, because she saw they needed help.

Such extended family support is especially common among black households, researchers say, because there's historically been a need for it more than for white families. Grandmothers are the best example, with the percentage of black children living with grandparents twice as high among black families as white, either with or without their parents present.

Lanier, 46, of Monroeville, raised two daughters with relatives' help and adopted a third after a friend died. Now, when she's not working part time as a church secretary, Lanier cares for her 3-year-old granddaughter about five hours a day so her unmarried daughter, Juantesha, 23, can work and attend college.

Divorced 20 years ago after four years of marriage, Lanier said, "It was easier not to remarry, because if you do, then you bring another person in, and sometimes that doesn't congeal so well. ... Sometimes, it's difficult to find someone that has your same values. That's the biggest problem."

Juantesha herself is uncertain when or whether marriage will arrive.

"I think some people are intimidated, like single mothers come with baggage," the Carlow College sophomore said, adding that better-educated women can also intimidate men.

Women have made sharp gains over men in academic achievement generally in recent decades, highlighted by differences within the black population. Nearly twice as many black women as men receive bachelor's degrees each year. Enrollment of black women in college increased 95 percent from 1976 to 2000, compared with 35 percent for black men.

Gloster, whose own mother was college educated, said she didn't see her master's degree in special education as a sign of superiority over black males. She figures they faced more obstacles navigating the educational system.

"Maybe our society has not held back the black female the same way. They're not perceived as a threat the same way," Gloster said.

"I don't care if you're a janitor, as long as you respect me," Thomas said.

Parker, 36, of Spring Hill, had five children by different fathers she never married during a period of drug addiction. She said her prospects for finding a mate, now that she's gone through rehabilitation, are better left to a higher power. She wants to focus on improving her education and work status and setting a model for the children.

"If I only based it on my experiences, I would never think men were any good, but I know that's not true," Parker said. "I just do what I need to do for my kids, and if a man comes into my life, a man comes into my life. ... If God wants me to have a mate, then he'll send him to me."