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Thursday, January 24, 2002

Are you a Hollywood Director, Dear Reader? We didn't think so. While engaging in Social Activities in Public Places, turn off your cell phone. ... If, during the denouement of "The Blair Witch Project" your phone rings and you take the call and carry on a long conversation, do you know what's going to happen to you? The Etiquette Grrls will personally take you out to the middle of the woods and leave you there.

A Martini does not include chocolate, coffee, any variety of juice, curacao, or anything else that is colored among its ingredients. A Martini is cold, a Martini is clear, a Martini is very, very strong, and a Martini is very, very dry. A Martini consists of Gin, Vermouth, and a couple of Big Damn Olives (green and pitted, please) that have been impaled on a darling glass toothpick. And nothing else. Anything else, and it is not a Martini, it is a cocktail.

The Etiquette Grrls highly recommend using free e-mail services. ... so that one may open a Sufficient Number of accounts with names to suit All Facets of One's Personality. However, usernames containing any of the following words should be Avoided At All Costs: Bunny, Unicorn, Rainbow, Kitty or MissThaaang.

To those involved in an Office Relationship, we say: Above All, Be Discreet! No playing footsie in the conference room, no cutting a window between your cubicles so you can hold hands all day, no spending break time in the Server Closet. ... Also, do not use e-mail to send Mash notes, as everyone knows the Company Tech Guys can get into that stuff.

If you'll be participating in a night of Binge Drinking and anticipate getting Un Peu Loaded, you should keep your ensemble comfortable, sleek and, as always and above all, stylish. You're probably going to be in the same clothes come Noon Tomorrow, so try to wear something that doesn't wrinkle easily, doesn't pick up lint, and will look appropriate for brunch.

With the exception of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," movies are not interactive. (And you can probably guess what the Etiquette Grrls think of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," Dear Reader.) You should never attempt to shout things at, or otherwise communicate with, the actors on the screen.