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Getting through a divorce the right way
Tuesday, December 19, 2000 By Loriann Hoff Oberlin
Five or six years ago, I was most proud of the work I had put into my marriage and raising two sons. Though I didn't have the perfect relationship, I felt it was growing and evolving. With the release of my first book ("Writing For Money"), I was set on a new career path that suited my talents and family needs at the time. Life seemed good.
Friends tell me I take charge of situations more easily and I laugh more. The journey of marital separation has been a difficult one, but there are certain steps I've learned that women should take to ensure their health, well being and a positive outcome.
Everyone has to determine her most pressing needs -- financial affairs, personal protection, housing, and health care. Surprisingly, a lot of women don't ask the tough question: Could my husband have harmed my health?
"The problem is, in this day and age, a little indiscretion can kill you," said Dr. Mary E. O'Brien, a North Carolina physician who wrote "In Sickness and in Health." If a woman even suspects infidelity or drug use in her husband, she should insist on protected sex only. She should be tested and insist that her husband is tested for sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS and hepatitis.
"If he is unwilling to comply, it should be clear that a) he doesn't care about your health and safety; b) he's selfish and inconsiderate; c) he's irresponsible and immature; and d) he has no idea what true love and commitment are all about," O'Brien said.
Marital separations can also be volatile. Personal safety and protection become paramount. Some women fully know they are in abusive marriages; others might be influenced by a husband's "crazymaking" behavior.
What is crazymaking? Patricia Evans, author of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," describes it as: Your partner seems irritated or angry at you several times a week; denies being angry when he clearly is; does not work with you to resolve important issues; rarely or never seems to share thoughts or plans with you; or tells you he has no idea what you're talking about when you try to discuss important problems.
Power and control resound in abusive relationships. "Whether control is exercised verbally or physically, the dynamics are the same," Evans said. A raised fist, a push, or an unspoken threat like punching a wall leaves a woman (or man) in fear, and of course, if there is physical assault, it's abuse. The bottom line is that abuse must end, and that might mean the end of your marriage.
I learned that women, in particular, are great caretakers. How is it that when we haven't slept, have lost our breakfast and can't even get the words out right, our female friends know precisely what we need? What's more, they're quickly on the scene.
Telephone support and e-mail can be lifelines, particularly if you don't have friends or family nearby. It's adult contact, a sanity check, a kind word. So when a friend offers assistance, take it. The feeling of "being needy" will pass. During that first holiday season, friends really rallied around, making a tough time bearable. Other forms of support can come from your church or synagogue or organized support groups.
Who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow or in a year from now. Fears will be resolved. Don't dismay if one day you feel confident and strong, the next ragged and worn out. Delay any major changes for six months. In a separation, when your self-esteem may be low or your anger may seek revenge, this especially means great caution with the opposite sex. Dr. Joy Browne best explains rebounding in "Dating for Dummies" where she advises waiting at least a year to date. I loved her line: "Hang out with friends, large groups, small countries." She's right. You can meet your social needs without risking heartache.
Separation saps energy, creativity and outlook. Time may be best, but keep healing with proper diet and invigorating exercise. Don't skip meals or rely on fast food. Take a multivitamin, and drink plenty of water. Curb your coffee habit, too. Lack of sleep and the need for a quick wake up is tempting. Exercise will help you sleep better. Realize also that your emotional healing might best be accomplished with the help of medication and/or a professional therapist. It's wise to seek such counsel early for it can have lasting impact. It's also likely to be covered by the insurance you might have now, if you anticipate coverage changes later.
One in three children endures parental divorce by age 18, and plenty more struggle through marital separations. "Some children are relieved that the arguments may end with the parents' separation, but most children do not react this way," said Timothy F. Murphy, a Pittsburgh psychologist and Pennsylvania state senator.
"Children may act more frustrated, impatient or anger easily," said Murphy. "They may become depressed, withdrawn or moody. To cope with the stresses, a child may even deny their parents are splitting up."
But parents can make the successful transition from co-partners to co-parents. When you're preoccupied with adult matters, it's all too easy to forget that crucial, one-on-one time all kids need with parents. Avoid the emotional tug of war, asking them (even in subtle ways) to take sides. They love both parents. That won't end because of your difficulties.
As horrendous as separation can be, you simply must laugh at times. You may have every right to be angry, but don't harbor that negative energy too long. A good laugh can purge anger in a very positive way. Besides, a heavy heart is not healthy.
Laughter not only reduces muscle tension, but it stimulates the heart and lungs increasing oxygen levels in our bloodstream, raising endorphin levels, and increasing the number of disease-fighting antibodies, according to Norman Cousins in "Anatomy of an Illness."
Being light-hearted doesn't mean you don't care about the difficult path you're walking, nor does it make light of it. Learning to laugh again assures you won't be bitter and angry, but hopeful and optimistic. Hang in there. You will smile again!
How can you helpa friend going through a separation?
Loriann Hoff Oberlin is the author of a new book, "Surviving Separation & Divorce: A Woman's Guide to Making It Through the First Year" (Adams). She also has co-authored an upcoming book, "The Angry Child," with Timothy F. Murphy.
You can reach her at LHOberlin@aol.com.
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