Friday, September 26, 2003

The unraveling U.S. economy can wait. The interim report citing the failure of American search teams to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq deserves comment -- but not now. Even President Bush's plummeting approval ratings are small potatoes in a world in which minor actors cursed with excessive celebrity must struggle with the humiliation of unfulfilled nuptials.

A week after Jennifer Lopez returned the six-carat engagement ring Ben Affleck gave her in a fit of romantic excess, the slightly estranged couple turned up at the Liberty County Courthouse in Savannah, Ga., on Tuesday.

Affleck was at the courthouse to pick up a gun license. Oblivious to the dangerous nexus of celebrity and guns, the star of "Gigli" plans to shoot skeet on the grounds of his sprawling Savannah estate the way Bostonians with too much time and money have done for generations.

Driven senseless by emotional vertigo, Lopez took the midnight train to Georgia from Miami to officially kiss the merger of their two celebrity dynasties goodbye. In seeking closure to a relationship that ended on the eve of their planned wedding in Santa Barbara, Lopez opened herself to even more ridicule. The following is a rough approximation of what we think they said at the courthouse.

J.Lo: "Ben, you're a degenerate gambler, a recovering alcoholic and a devotee of sleazy Canadian strip joints. What makes you think you should own a gun after demonstrating such bad judgment in so many other areas of your life?"

Ben: "Hmm, there you go confusing me with Puffy again, Jenny. Don't worry. I won't be shooting up any New York nightspots like your last boyfriend. I may be a cad, but folks who shoot skeet on the weekends are much less likely to be involved in random club shootings than pop divas."

J.Lo: "Puffy wasn't my last boyfriend, you idiot. Cris Judd was. You stole me from him, remember? We were happily married until you came along. The year I was married to Cris was, in retrospect, the best eight months of my life."

Ben: "Sorry to have singlehandedly ruined the sacred vows you shared with your obscure second husband, Jenny. In fact, I'd gladly trade places with the next nobody that comes along just to escape the whole, awful 'Bennifer' thing."

J.Lo: "I don't understand you, Ben. You act as if being a celebrity is the worst thing in the world."

Ben: "It is if you're an actor who yearns to do serious, thoughtful work."

J.Lo: "Oh, yeah, I forgot about 'Daredevil,' 'Bounce,' 'Reindeer Games,' 'Pearl Harbor' and 'Armageddon.' I'm simply in awe of your cinematic oeuvre, Ben. A movie like 'Dogma' only comes around once in a lifetime."

Ben: "Hey, even you have to admit that 'Changing Lanes' was pretty good, Jen. I turn in my best performances when I play self-absorbed characters running aground in a morally complex universe."

J.Lo: "I still can't believe you got top billing over Samuel L. Jackson in that one, not to mention poor Morgan Freeman in 'The Sum of All Fears.'"

Ben: "Yeah, I still feel bad about that, Jen. Maybe 'Gigli' was karmic payback in a way. There's too much white privilege in Hollywood if you ask me."

J.Lo [rolling her eyes]: "Tell me about it."

Ben: "Look, Jenny. I know you're disappointed that we didn't get hitched on Sept. 14 as planned, but I started to have doubts about my fitness for marriage. Like you said, I enjoy going to strip joints. I like playing poker for $100,000 stakes and losing. You're way too mature for a scoundrel like me."

J.Lo: "Hey, not so fast, buddy. I can be pretty self-absorbed myself. I've earned my diva status. Why can't we be self-absorbed together? Why is your narcissism so much better than mine?"

Ben: "Let it go, Jen. If you want a relationship that has a longer shelf life than People magazine, then stop hooking up with minor celebrities like me."

J.Lo: "You're right, Ben. I wonder if Puffy will take me back? At least he's a celebrity at my level. Hmm. While I'm here, I might as well get a gun permit, too. Puffy loves women who can shoot straight."

Tony Norman can be reached at tnorman@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1631.

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