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Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Wouldn't you love to hear what Emily Latella would have to say about President Bush's threatened invasion of Iraq?

Emily, you may recall, was the sweet old lady played by the late comic artist Gilda Radner on "Saturday Night Live." Her character would show up on "Weekend Update" news segments to offer passionate, deeply held opinions that were completely misinformed.

"What's all this talk about going to war over weapons of bass destruction?!?" she would demand, squinting into the camera with glasses half-way down her nose.

"We kill plenty of poor defenseless little fishes in this country, and nobody goes around invading us! If that nice Mr. Hussein thinks his people need a new way to catch bass or trout or even sunfish, that's no reason to send our soldiers over there. It's just terrible! How can anyone -- " at which point the news anchor, played by Jane Curtin or Chevy Chase, would interrupt.

"Excuse me, Miss Latella. That's weapons of 'mass' destruction."

Emily would take a moment for the correction to sink in. Then she'd smile into the camera and say:

"Oh. Well. That's entirely different. Never mind."

I couldn't help thinking of Emily this week when I came across an essay by Ralph Nader, urging President Bush to stop his march to war with Iraq and pay some attention to the opposition.

Apparently, the man fails to grasp his own irrelevancy.

This is the same Ralph Nader who, in his quixotic third-party candidacy for president, insisted that there was no difference between Al Gore and George Bush. His followers in the Green Party believed him, and the rest, as they say, is history.

One can't help wondering how many of his 2000 voters are out there now, demonstrating against Bush's plan for a pre-emptive military strike -- a policy that almost certainly would not have been a Gore administration's reaction to Sept. 11.

Of course, nobody could have foreseen that day's attacks or the wild ride we've been on ever since. But the electorate never has a crystal ball in the voting booth. Whoever winds up assuming the office will shape events as much as events will shape him. That's one of the things voters think about when they pull the lever -- or not -- sometimes to their later regret.

Whether Naderites have any regrets, I wouldn't presume to know. But it's still kind of stunning that he would now think anyone else cares what he has to say about the Bush administration's Iraq policy.

Given his history of casting himself as the lone incorruptible in a sea of sellouts, it's perfectly in character for Nader to chastise the president he helped create without ever acknowledging his own part in the drama.

During that race, he heaped scorn on the Democrat for being just as guilty of pandering to special interests as the Republican. He denied playing the spoiler, repeatedly quipping that only Al Gore could beat Al Gore, which, while partially true, conveniently overlooked his role in propelling Bush II into office.

And he scoffed at concerns over what would happen to the federal judiciary or abortion rights -- something that bears noting yet again in light of the recent gains by anti-abortion forces who continue chiseling away at Roe vs. Wade.

It's not that I think Nader should shut up, exactly. I'm all in favor of Americans voicing their opinions on all sides of the war. Political analysts, actors, military strategists, poets, war veterans, comedians, families of soldiers, waitresses, students, Iraqi emigres and refugees, priests, rabbis, mullahs -- I say bring 'em all on and let the listeners sort 'em out.

But for many listeners who ultimately come down against the war, Nader's comments are bound to be especially irritating.

The past two years have shown how wrong he was about the two major party candidates being political twins separated at birth. Before he releases any more essays scolding Bush on the war -- or anything else for that matter -- he first ought to take the Emily Latella route:

Go on TV, look into the camera and say, "Er, about that whole Tweedledee-Tweedledum thing? Never mind."