I read last week that scientists believe that orangutans possess their own culture. Now I have nothing against orangutans, and I congratulate them for winning scientific respect, but it seems to me that the definition of culture has become a little too elastic.
If orangutans have a culture, then it might be argued other simple-minded, hirsute beings also qualify -- conservative politicians, TV evangelists, fans of the Cleveland Browns (though their pretensions may have disappeared after Sunday's playoff game, although one does not like to gloat).
For many of us, culture is considered a high-minded attribute. Here in Pittsburgh, for example, we have a Cultural District, where the theaters are situated. The name distinguishes this part of the city from the Drinking District and the Scratchin' and Laughin' District and puts people on notice that they can't make inappropriate noises or gestures as they might normally do.
I fear orangutans would not be welcome in our Cultural District; they would have to troop across the Allegheny River to the Andy Warhol Museum, a home to all sorts of avant-garde monkeyshines and a place where the trendy folk love to ape each other.
But as I gather from the story in The Washington Post, the scientists do not think symphony orchestra or ballet, or even a performance of "Mamma Mia," when they think of culture. "According to the scientists' definition, culture is the ability to learn and pass on behaviors from role models in one's immediate community," the story said.
That can't be right. Speaking for myself, I can't think of anything I ever learned from a role model. Where I grew up, we were too poor to have role models. We could afford to have only heroes, and most of those were sporting figures, which did me no good because I was pathetic at sports. (Just as well: I could have grown up to be a Cleveland Brown.)
If the scientists are right in their definition of culture, perhaps this explains why I am not a cultured person -- which I hope will come as a big shock to regular readers, but I fear may not. Still, I say, better to be mistaken for an orangutan than to be taken for a certain type of cultured person.
For example, the orangutans, when they catch a concert in the jungles of Borneo, don't later write the traditional letter to the editor that unfailing begins: "After reading the comments of the critic in your newspaper, I cannot believe that he and I attended the same performance."
Well, of course not. The critic was off playing poker with his buddies, but only an insufferably pompous person would point this out.
About those jungle concerts: When the orangutans jam together, they do not feel the need to put on tuxedos, but perform in their natural state.
(This could be a helpful tip for our symphony orchestras, which across the nation are struggling to hold audiences. Admittedly, nudity would be a bit unfair to the musicians, especially the tuba players, because a cold tuba next to the body is no fun in a chilly concert hall.)
Orangutan music, though it seems all hoots and hollers to us, should in no way be confused with rap. Eminem would be considered too coarse for orangutan society. In their world, all the apes are great and no one should be scorned because of gender or sexual preference.
To be sure, orangutans are not perfect. They have some disgusting habits, which their mates are constantly complaining about to no avail. But they are defined as much by what they don't do as by what they do.
They do not incorporate themselves into large organizations with boards of directors that give the alpha apes all the bananas. They do not employ accountant orangutans to groom themselves and look the other way.
In their territorial disputes, they do not devote a disproportionate share of their resources to war so that they can napalm the jungle. Instead, they sometimes bop each other and beat their chests, which is more cost-effective.
They do not constantly watch television or speak on cell phones. They watch the glory of nature about them in their Garden of Eden and whisper sweet orangutan nothings to each other.
That being so, I suppose the question is not whether orangutans have a culture worthy of respect, but do we?
Reg Henry can be reached at rhenry@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1668.
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