My last essay on corporate responsibility, outrageously ostentatious compensation for CEOs and Martha Stewart's delicious Fifth Amendment stew was presented as the curious epilogue of the excellent fashion section. So I'm wondering today whether I ought to start paying more attention to my very immediate surroundings.
Apparently, there's more to fashion than selecting a clean T-shirt to wear with semi-clean jeans, and, in fact, most every conceivable element of personal presentation has been elevated to a level beyond my comprehension.
That's right, there's a whole life out there without sneakers.
Luckily, as I finally begin to consider, at age 49, what I might look like in, you know, big-boy clothes and the appropriate accessories, some mail has reached me through alert channels that emphasizes the extent to which people can flatter themselves.
It's from Susan Blond Inc., 50 W. 57th St., New York, N.Y., an address I'm sure I've walked past dozens of times without any evident edification on the horizons of self-improvement. Susan Blond Inc. is perfectly willing to overlook my standard fashion statement, the small-town Laundromat motif. Susan Blond Inc. just wants me to smell better.
Well, who doesn't? But SBI has just the thing.
"Clive Christian," says this e-mail, "renowned for pure natural perfumes in handmade crystal flacons, has launched a spray in '1872,' the original classic, and 'X,' the exhilarating and unorthodox contemporary perfume. The perfume sprays are luxuriously packaged, appropriately retaining the trademark crown, based on an original design granted to the Crown Perfumers by Queen Victoria as a mark of quality and excellence. The spray offers a new entry level for Clive Christian."
Truthfully, this might be just the thing to counteract my standard fragrance, most often described as the midpoint between Odor Eaters and day-old salsa. And since these new perfumes are "entry level," they are clearly aimed at the frighteningly uninitiated.
Samantha Kleier Forbes, vice president at SBI and author of this e-mail, has let it be known that I can pick up 1.7 ounces of either 1872 or X for just $185. How can something so insistently "entry level" smell so strongly of "exit level"?
Clive Christian, I'm told, is in fact the world's most expensive perfume. But when you can pick up a few drops for $185, I suppose it's worth considering which of the new launches to select just in case I wake up tomorrow as Jack Welch's hot-blooded stable boy.
"X is an extremely fashionable London perfume," Samantha writes. "The men's perfume is created with cardamom oil and combined with Sicilian bergamot, pink pepper and bay cinnamon to create a scent with an exciting twist."
Oh, that is so me.
But what of 1872?
" '1872' is a refreshing and uncontroversial perfume, based on original formulae from the Crown Perfumer," I'm told. " '1872' Perfume for men includes petitgrain, white peach, moss, incense and clary sage."
You don't suppose they're making this crap up do you? My computer keeps putting the jagged red line under these ingredients, the software notation that shrieks "NO SUCH WORD, YOU AMAZINGLY GULLIBLE LUMMOX!"
I decided to make a quick comparison of these ingredients with the formula for my current perfume, Old Spice Sensitive After Shave. Turns out there are no ingredients to OSSAS, unless the very essence of it is the result of an olfactory collision involving KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN and PROTECT FROM FREEZING.
Nothing about clary sage.
As someone who is likely to prefer an "uncontroversial" perfume (I get enough hostile e-mails as it is, thank you), I'm inclined then toward 1872, which, according to Samantha, "Clive Christian chose to name the fragrance [as such] as a mark of respect to the Crown Perfumery, who were themselves established in 1872. This represents over 125 years of tradition and heritage in perfumery."
Indeed it does. In fact, it represents 130 years of it, Samantha not being one for specifics.
But with the introduction of these new lines at $185 for 1.7 ounces, there now exists "a complete range of perfumes for the perfect Christmas gift."
Most anyone I know who might purchase this for me should remain down range, however. At the other end you'll find Clive Christian's No. 1 at $1,820.
Please don't pick me up a six-pack.
Gene Collier can be reached at gcollier@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1283.
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