Hey, singles! Are you socially awkward? Easily flummoxed? Do you put the date in intimidated? Bummer.
But wait! There's hope. Thanks to the Worst Case Scenario people, you can romance with confidence as long as you carry the only little black book you will ever really need.
I refer to "The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex," the latest in the WCS Survival Handbook series. Perhaps you've seen the original WCS Survival Handbook, which includes step-by-step, illustrated instructions for feats like fighting off sharks and gators, jumping from a moving car and escaping from quicksand. The New Yorker called it "the book to have when the killer bees arrive."
The Dating & Sex edition might be called the book to have when the killer beaux arrive. In fact, it begins with "How to determine if your date is an axe [sic] murderer" and explores other types of instant undesirability with tips for how to detect if your date is married, not the gender you'd hoped or a con artist.
For women, the section on "How to fend off a pickup artist" is priceless. It lists three methods for spilling a drink on Mr. Right Now, two of which involve HIS drink.
The authors, all based in Philadelphia, enlisted a diverse group of experts to provide detailed and amusingly straight-faced advice on the many facets of fighting the fires of dating hell.
The section on "How to escape from a bad date" goes well beyond simply acting like a jerk -- saying something offensive, eating with your fingers. They got an undercover guy from the CIA to explain the best way to change your appearance and slip away undetected.
Frankly, I would hate for even an unappealing date to catch me trying to limp out the door carrying a potted plant, but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. Such as breaking and climbing out the bathroom window ("Do not worry about any minor nicks and cuts. Run."). Now that's a bad date.
The pages on how to spot toupees and breast implants strike me as kind of unnecessary. The part about toupees contains few revelations, and the part about implants quaintly assumes that men actually care whether breasts are natural or not. "If a woman is over thirty and has strikingly full breasts that sit very high on her chest, you have reason to be suspicious." Yeah, and if she's talking to you, you have reason to be delighted.
Like its tough-as-nails forebears, this book has violence and bloodshed that go well beyond ripped pantyhose. And some of it is over the top.
A useful section about pre-date dermatological mishaps such as pimples and shaving cuts closes alarmingly with "If you accidentally cut your neck razor-shaving and notice a great deal of bleeding, you've probably cut the external jugular." Ditch the styptic pencil, Sweeney Todd, and hope your date enjoys the ambience of the emergency room.
The part advising against setting your own broken nose, which immediately follows the instructions on how to discourage rivals for your date, is similarly gory.
However, the part about getting down on all fours in the restroom to expel excessive gas is a riot.
That's the way this book works: It mixes some truly helpful information, such as "How to deal with a bad kisser" and "How to survive meeting the parents," with comical interludes ranging from the ill-advised (how to have sex in an elevator) to the illegal (how to run out on a check when your credit card is denied) to the cinematically absurd ("How to fake an orgasm" and "How to survive if you wake up next to someone whose name you don't remember").
Perhaps the most useful chapter is the one on Relationship Survival. This includes my new favorite instruction-manual quotation: "To end the relationship, go to page 150." As usual, they've thought of everything. You get eight breakup tips, and then an appendix that includes a template for "The 'it's not you, it's me' letter."
The illustrations, done in the simple, clean style of an airplane safety card, are often hilarious in their straightness -- like airplane safety cards.
You can't beat a book that explains not only "How to survive if you run into your ex" but also "How to deliver the perfect kiss." With a long list of excuses for all occasions!
I'd tell you more, but my computer has a virus and I have to get up early.
Samantha Bennett can be reached by e-mail at sbennett@post-gazette.com
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