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Sunday, June 18, 2000
Barely a month ago, I wrote a column about my lawnmower and its indecent reluctance to die a horrible clanking death even after 15 years of classical abuse. Now, suddenly, that mower is dead of indeterminate causes, which tempts me greatly to write a column about my dog.
Alas, with young Lucifer, I likely wouldn't be so lucky.
Still, it wouldn't hurt to take a look at the classifieds just to get familiar with what's out there in terms of potential replacement pups. I like to read some aloud to the dog now and again, just so she's aware that, you know, I have absolutely positively nothing to do.
Let's see ...
"American Eskimo Pups, AKC UKC champ sired ... appropriate homes only."
What does that mean? Igloos? Strict whale-blubber diet I guess.
"Australian Cattle Dog, 2 yr. neut. male . . . for adult home."
Uh-huh. Eats kids and enjoys porn. Possible cross-dresser.
"Border Collie Pups, registered, tri-color, wonderful disposition ... working parents."
Right. He works for Heinz; she's a paralegal. Those border collies are always showing off.
"Lab Pups, AKC Yellow ... Grand sire No. 1 Lab in the country."
No. 1 Lab in the country? Oh, I remember that. He beat Notre Dame in the Orange Bowl.
"Lab Pups ... blk & yellow, shots/wormed, big blocky heads."
Yeah, big blocky heads, babee! That's what I need, Lucy. Not that narrow, deformed, coyote skull you've been carting around all these years. When we bought you, we must have gone in there and said, "We'd like a lab with a small head, please." I want a lab with a big blocky head I can rest a can of Budweiser on while I'm watching "The Man Show." Now that's a dog.
"Pom-a-Poo Pups ... very tiny."
I'm not surprised. Any breed with "poo" or "tzu" in its name tends to be runtish. At the International Breed-Naming Academy, the agent who named the pom-a-poo hadn't been kicking around "bull mastiff."
"Pit Bull Pups ... good bldln."
What's that, bloodletting? Oh, bloodlines. Pit bull with good bloodlines. Means he won't let go of your arm even if you hit him on the head with a shovel. That's lineage.
"Siberian Husky cross pups with German Shep & Chow ... very wolf looking."
I could go with very wolf looking. Honey, walkin' the wolf. Very Addams Family. And who would know? The neighbors stop you and ask what kind of dog that is, you say, "That there's a wolf. Best hide the kids." Name it Bigbad. Or Virginia.
"German Shorthair Pointer ... owner is allergic, must sell."
Ten weeks old, answers to Achoo!
"Dogue de Bordeaux ... big, wrinkly pups to select homes, $1,000/up."
They're makin' that up, Lucy. Dogue de Sniff Sniff. You know what fragrance a Dogue de Bordeaux wears? Right, Eau du Stiff Cat.
"Airedale Terrier ... parents on site."
Oh, nonworking parents. Means the pups can't likely open the gun closet.
"Cat, lovable ... free to a good home."
Cat. Detestable. Free to a good home.
Don't laugh, Lucy; this is the way you could go. Don't answer the phone. Our spare-no-expense classified would look something like this:
"Deadly Suburban Bush Dog, a k a Lab, yellow, female, 5 yrs., hsebrkn [ad shorthand for both 'housebroken' and 'barks at horses'], spy/hrn [spayed but horny], shftss [shiftless], stks [stinks], shd [sheds], gnipdf, [gnaws incessantly on pads of forepaws], aw1pd [awake 1 hour per day], lksfunsh [licks self unashamedly], brunfc [burrows under fence], ismch [inveterate snack moocher], cbw/250 [can't be walked by a person of less than 250 pounds because she pulls like a crazed sled dog], bw [breaks wind], fpbef [fetches paper but edits freely], snr [snores].
Free to a bad home.
Gene Collier's e-mail address is gcollier@post-gazette.com.