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Friday, December 04, 1998 By Tony Norman
Imagine this: you're African-American, born and raised on a North Carolina cotton plantation in the 1840s. Your "massah" decides daily whether you live or die. Your spouse and children can be sold at his discretion like so many old boots at a yard sale.
The notion that you're a human, endowed by God with rights a white man is obliged to respect, never comes up in any polite conversation he's privy to.
The politics, economics and religion of the era insulate the majority of whites from the system's immorality quite nicely. Only blacks and Native Americans have even a passing acquaintance with the brutality that undermines what some, in their stubborn idealism, continue to insist is a democracy.
You toil between 16 and 18 hours a day for no compensation. Still, Massah gives you old clothes he would otherwise burn, a rent-free shack and all the pig intestines you can eat. If you resist the temptation to slit Massah's throat in the middle of the night, you can live a life his dog wouldn't envy. Sounds like a recipe for "happiness" to me.
Why would anyone give up an existence with all the miserable fixins' that slavery brings when self-determination is such a hassle?
Until last week, the Randolph Community College in Archdale, N.C., offered a nine-week course that suggested slavery's reputation as a cruel and inhumane system was greatly exaggerated.
"Slaves Were Happy" shouted the New York Times headline when news of the course, "North Carolina in the War for Southern Independence," reached the real world.
Taught by a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, the course laid it on thick about the special bond between slaves and their "benevolent protectors," who only resorted to the cruel whip when talk of "freedom" got out of hand.
The fact that a few misguided Negroes fought for the Confederacy in exchange for their freedom is trumpeted as proof that things weren't as bad as Alex Haley would have had us believe.
Needless to say, pressure from VERY ANGRY BLACK FOLKS put an end to this nonsense faster than anyone could say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
Still, the concept of "happy slaves" got me thinking. Has there ever been a happy slave in America? After careful consideration, I think the only honest answer is "yes."
The happy slaves I'm thinking of aren't the ancestors of present day African-Americans. On the contrary, happy slaves are modern folks who believe in the benevolence of the rich. They work 80 to 90 hours a week making money for corporations that will throw them on the street the very moment it is expedient to do so.
Happy slaves take drugs and give their hard-earned cash to people who don't care about them. Happy slaves believe materialism and depravity is where it's at. Happy slaves are indebted to silly ideologies like White Power, Black Power, Woman Power, Gay Power and all secular and religious fundamentalism. They fight over Furbys at toy store counters, watch a lot of television and cried when "Seinfeld" went off the air.
A happy slave is anyone who thinks they aren't absolutely being conned by our political leaders, Big Money and Big Media every day.
Happy slaves brand themselves with false breasts and designer jeans like hogs going to the slaughter. Things are just swell the way they are because freedom costs too much. And who wants to be free anyway when slavery is so much fun?
Tony Norman's email is: tnorman@post-gazette.com
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