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Friday, October 30, 1998 By Tony Norman
If Jesus Christ were at all inclined to license His name today, He'd be in the money.
Think of the economic windfall that could be derived from such an A-list moniker. The squabbling over international rights to His name alone would be the Mother of all Licensing Deals. Any commercial venture with His image on it would be well positioned in the market for millennia to come. Imagine, automatic and irrevocable copyright extensions, presumably forever, assuming He could be talked into some kind of open-ended deal.
But Christ never seemed to get with the program when it came to being exploited. Temptations in the desert merely affirmed His indifference to the banal values of empire and capital.
With whip in hand, He thought nothing of chasing religious profiteers out of the temple, a stunt that would generate lots of calls to the cops if repeated today. Knocking the collection plates out of the hands of ushers in an era of heavily mortgaged cathedrals has been a no-no since at least 323 AD.
But some folks, especially those sporting nifty bracelets and T-shirts with the letters "WWJD" emblazoned on them, remind us that mindless sloganeering has its sweet side, too. "What Would Jesus Do?" the trinkets shout in code. It's an interesting question. Too bad it has to compete in our popular culture with "Oh My God, They Killed Kenny."
But things being as unstable as they are, with crazy people presuming to speak for Jesus Christ left and right, I would hope folks would be a lot more comfortable saying what He wouldn't do.
That's why I'm unveiling the "WJWD: What Jesus Wouldn't Do" campaign for the scrupulously pious. I figure, it's a lot easier (and more reverent) to avoid baptizing one's actions with a halo of righteousness. I mean, what if you have a bad day? Though equally presumptuous, I think we can reasonably state the following:
Jesus wouldn't skulk outside an abortion doctor's kitchen window and shoot him through the heart. Jesus wouldn't comfort those who condone murder of any kind.
Jesus wouldn't picket a gay man's funeral and shout to the mourners "God hates fags." Nor would he watch videotape of cops beating civilians and say, "stop whining, they're just doing their job." Because He really knows what's in the hearts of politicians, Jesus wouldn't vote a straight Republican or Democratic ticket. Jesus wouldn't say "whatever you want to do is fine as long as you're, like, sincere." Jesus wouldn't give the commencement address at Bob Jones University, either.
Jesus wouldn't hand out condoms to minors or take Deepak Chopra seriously. Jesus wouldn't allow Himself to be paid 265 times more than His lowest paid disciple.
Jesus wouldn't hate the people we hate just to impress us with how indignant He could get. Jesus wouldn't have dropped the bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki under any circumstances.
Jesus wouldn't have smiled through Clinton's lies or adultery. He wouldn't have picketed the play "Corpus Christi" because He has better things to do than defend His reputation as a "heterosexual." He wouldn't like Christopher Hitchens' book dissing Mother Theresa.
Jesus wouldn't howl for Mumia Abu Jamal's blood. He'd even love Marilyn Manson and Jesse Helms if asked to. He probably wouldn't enjoy "The Chris Rock Show" as much as I do. And He wouldn't wear a shirt that read, "What Would the Trinity Do?"
Tony Norman's email is: tnorman@post-gazette.com
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