Fact: Pittsburgh City Council has set up a task force to study the handling of the biggest snow crisis of the millennium.
Fantasy: Here's how we see the first meeting of the task force going:
Councilwoman Natalia Rudiak: OK, we're here to try to figure out what we learned from the 21-inch snowstorm. Mr. Mayor, would you like to start?
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl: During any kind of snowfall, the Laurel Highlands is one great place for a party.
Rudiak: I meant what we learned here in Pittsburgh.
Ravenstahl: Oh. Let me refer you to Public Works Director Rob Kaczorowski for that.
Kaczorowski: We have been doing everything possible, with plow drivers working double shifts and with Steelers-style blitzes of the neighborhoods late in the game in order to satisfy residents.
Councilman Bruce Kraus: Perhaps you could describe the emergency snow plan to us.
Kaczorowski: The what?
Kraus: The plan. You do have a plan, don't you?
Kaczorowski: Well, I, uh -- I would like a chance to get back to you on that one.
Rudiak: We all appreciate the extra efforts of many city employees, but there has to be some explanation for why suburban communities were cleared of snow so much better than city neighborhoods.
Ravenstahl: You have to understand that the suburbs have it so much easier, with so many fewer streets to worry about.
Kraus: But Russia does a better job of clearing roads within days.
Ravenstahl: I repeat, these small boroughs and countries just don't face the challenges we do.
Councilman Bill Peduto: Carnegie Mellon University officials have offered to help out in preparing for the next snow emergency. What do you say to that?
Kaczorowski: We're very happy for anyone to take a shovel in hand.
Ravenstahl: All due respect, I've met a number of CMU professors, and they just don't look like the type whose physical labor would make much of a difference. Thanks, though.
Peduto: I'm not sure you understand -- the professors and students there would prepare a computer mapping system prioritizing the street grid to make the most efficient use of trucks and manpower, with a geo-tracking system to monitor progress.
Kaczorowski: Well, if those fancy dans are gonna do all that, why don't they just build a few giant robots to scoop all the snow up from the streets of Oakland, Squirrel Hill and Shadyside and dump it in their football stadium for us? That would be more helpful.
Rudiak: I'm not hearing a whole lot here to inspire confidence that the snowed-in residents of Beechview, Brookline and the rest of the South Hills are going to have it any easier in the next storm than the last one.
Ravenstahl: I'm sure you can understand we have to take care of Downtown first, considering all the businesses and people there.
Kraus: But Downtown was a mess too -- I could barely get to my office!
Ravenstahl: Exactly. Downtown is constantly a mess now, because of the light rail extension, the Market Square work and everything else. We had to keep up appearances that everything is normal, by inconveniencing everyone.
Kaczorowski: Mission accomplished.
Rudiak: There must be one thing you'll tell us you'll do differently next time, to give us some glimmer of hope.
Ravenstahl: As a matter of fact, I spoke with the Pennsylvania National Guard about having one of those Humvee drivers on 24-hour alert to get me back from wherever I am to wherever the TV cameras say I'm needed.
So hey, let's party on, and look forward to the next challenge.
First Published: February 15, 2010, 5:00 a.m.
