This is such a test of patience for the average Steelers fan. Already, we've gone a week without a dropped touchdown pass, shanked punt or any bewildering clock management to scream about. Withdrawal symptoms are setting in. And still, there are six more days to get through until Jennifer Hudson sings the national anthem in Tampa. Six loooooong days.
Here's advice on how to get through them:
MONDAY: This is not a day to overdo it, but you should at least start your conditioning program. Maybe eat a 99-cent bag of potato chips but stay away from the big size (and no dip yet either).
Keep the emotions in check by avoiding viewing any of the Steelers' most dramatic wins or losses. Just try to stay in game shape by watching a pedestrian victory. If you saved a copy of the 38-17 season-opening win over the Texans, that's as good to take a look at as anything. Be sure to fast-forward through the sacks of Ben Roethlisberger.
TUESDAY: This is the time to put your Super Bowl gambling house in order and cover all of your wagering options. Don't stop at just one office pool. Check whether the corner bar has any contests to enter. Be a stand-up guy and get something going in the neighborhood, if no one's been thoughtful enough to do so. And for family bonding, persuade the kids to risk their allowance on the game's outcome -- or on the coin toss, if they don't yet understand football.
You might ask: What's the right amount I should wager from all of these combined activities? A good rule of thumb is divide your weekly paycheck by 10, add your age to that amount, and then multiply by the jersey number of your favorite Steeler.
WEDNESDAY: Take inventory of your Steelers paraphernalia. If there's anything in the den that's worthy of more people seeing it, attach it to the car somehow. It would be a shame if one of your friends saw your vehicle at a time when you had no evidence of your team loyalty. You might as well be driving while naked.
Meanwhile, fill in available den space with anything that's presently gathering cobwebs in the attic or basement. That 1980s framed poster of the backfield of Cliff Stoudt, Walter Abercrombie and Frank Pollard is just begging to get another chance on the wall.
THURSDAY: Make it a point today to showcase your football mastery to the world by calling talk radio.
Still worried about whether the offensive line is going to do any blocking? Dial ESPN's local station and make sure everyone's aware this is your No. 1 concern. Is the offensive play-calling too conservative for your tastes? Don't hoard that nugget. Call up one of the other sports hosts and enlighten his listeners.
FRIDAY: Confirm plans for just whom you're going to be watching the game with, and arrange a seating chart so that you won't be near anyone likely to ask really dumb questions (e.g. "Why do those silly men on the sidelines keep covering their faces with clipboards when they talk? If they're worried about someone seeing their face, why not just wear a burka?").
If you sense anyone is going to be more interested in discussing the TV commercials than the game itself, make sure a second television will be available so they can be directed to it.
SATURDAY: Time to put your game face on. Starting at 6 a.m., watch DVDs of each of the prior six Steelers Super Bowls. Regretfully, you'll have to skip through the halftime shows to accomplish this in one day.
Double-check to make sure you didn't get so caught up in planning for the game that you neglected any essential tasks, such as picking up your daughter from preschool the day before.
Go on the Internet to find a phone number for a random stranger from Phoenix and then call them with a little smack talk.
SUNDAY: Go to church. Pray hard. Then watch and enjoy.
First Published: January 26, 2009, 10:00 a.m.
