The holiday season is upon us. Stopping in for a bite at a favorite eatery might be on your list of things to do after you have been tackled in the toy section of the local department store.

Because of this, I feel compelled to make a list of dos and don'ts in terms of the delicate server/waiter/waitress/waitron and customer relationship. I am going to use the word "server" and the word "he" rather than "she," so don't be offended. I am not being politically incorrect. It is just easier to write that way .

I'm sure you are asking who I am and what gives me the right to mandate proper restaurant etiquette. Well, for one, I was in the food service industry for approximately 923 years. After "serving my time," I have been elevated to the highest level of achievement and am officially The Great Former Waitron Unit Sitting in a Chair.

After you have arrived at your favorite eatery, in unison with every other person in town as your evil plan dictates, you must follow these commandments:

1 THOU SHALT NOT enter a restaurant on a super-duper busy slammed Friday night and act as though thou art the only person in the establishment. Do not, and I repeat, do not flag down the server much in the same manner as those guys on airport runways directing a plane in or out of position.

2 THOU SHALT NOT touch or grab the server as he zooms by your table in a flurry to greet a brand new table. It's the new person's turn, so let's play fair now shall we?

3 THOU SHALT NOT -- under penalty of death, ridicule or spilled coffee in the "lap region" -- whistle for your server. He is not Fido and does not understand canine commands.

4 THOU SHALT NOT tell the server, as he is soggy with perspiration, that thou art ready to order and then examine every inch of the menu further as he lingers and his peripheral vision indicates that his station has filled to maximum capacity. Example:

Server: "Are you ready to order?"
Customer: "Oh, yes."

Long pause, time passes, sun rises.

Server: "I can come back in a minute."
Customer: "Oh, no, I'm ready."

Repeat chorus, repeat chorus.

5 THOU SHALT NOT ask the server to rewrite the menu for your special diet. Example:

Customer: "I'll have the Spaghetti with no sauce, a light sprinkle of margarine -- not butter and could they put one small meatball on the side and maybe just a touch of parsley -- oh, is that parsley fresh?"

6 THOU SHALT NOT, for any reason under the sun, try and aid the server in unloading his arm or tray when he brings the food to your table. Those items are balanced in a way that defies logic, reason, physics and science and must not be touched by anyone other than your delightful server.

7 THOU SHALT NOT enjoy the entire meal, tell the server that everything was good, lick the plate clean and then complain about said meal when the check is presented. Anyone who goes against this commandment is ordered to work in a restaurant for a total of 10 years.

8 THOU SHALT NOT position purses, coats or legs in such a manner that the server must become a gymnast in order to serve your table.

9 THOU SHALT NOT call the restaurant at 6 p.m. on a Saturday night and ask for the daily specials to be described in detail. Thou shalt call between 2 and 4 p.m. for such inquiries.

10 And last but not least ... THOU SHALT NOT tell your server that the meal was great, service superior, dessert delectable and so forth -- and then leave a $2 tip for a $20 bill. Two dollars is not the standard "Everything Was Tremendous" tip. This is an abomination.

Please cut these commandments from this publication and carry along for your added dining pleasure. Enjoy!

First Published: November 23, 2007, 10:00 a.m.