So you're gathered with relatives around the Thanksgiving dinner table, with the kids deloused, everyone's forks and knives at the ready, no one yet tipsy, and a sense of familial coziness abounding. While host and hostess wait for the turkey to cool a bit before carving, here are a few ways the conversation could start:
"Are you two ever going to get married?"
"Cool Whip is interesting. Did you ever think of serving the real stuff instead?"
"When are you two going to make me a grandmother?"
"How is it that your son looks just like you and your daughter looks like she could be from a different family?"
This all sounds very dysfunctionally normal to us. But Debra Fine, a motivational speaker and author of "The Fine Art of Small Talk," calls these "conversation landmines" that should be avoided. She prefers a more cautious and civil (read "dull") approach to the infrequent, sometimes-dreaded family holiday gathering. Bland banalities might be even more essential if strangers are present.
Ms. Fine told the San Antonio Express-News: "I usually come up with four or five topics that would work well with everyone. What are your holiday plans? Have you made your New Year's resolutions? What are the kids up to these days?" Compliments also work well, she noted, and not the backhanded kind (i.e., "This is nice. Your children aren't nearly as bratty as last year.")
Don't be this relative
Perhaps you will recognize, unfortunately, some of these people around your Thanksgiving table: the nauseatingly perfect family; the holistic new age aunt; Uncle Stan the excessive camera man; the family newsletter publisher; the Martha Stewart wannabe.
They're among the categories of people some have to put up with, cursed by their bloodlines, in "50 Relatives Worse Than Yours." That 2005 book by Justin Racz and Alec Brownstein noted families that had to suffer gatherings that include someone's too-happy ex-wife; or Aunt Mary Kay, who overloads the cosmetics; or the couple who treat their dog better than anyone else treats their children.
Mr. Racz gave the New York Daily News his take on why holiday gatherings can be so stressful: "You're supposed to love your family, but there's some anxiety when you're there with them. In your heart, you'd rather be anywhere else. There's a lot of guilt and a lot of pressure to be happy. Beides, it's hard to open up to second cousins that you haven't spoken to in a hundred years."
Is everybody not happy? Good; that's normal
According to TripAdvisor, an online community for travelers, about three of every four people surveyed get together with relatives on Thanksgiving. Not all of them necessarily want to do that, however. When asked their preference last year for how to spend Thanksgiving, 42 percent said enjoying it at home with family and 25 percent said visiting relatives. Apparently, that means about 8 percent of those who are getting together with relatives don't really want to.
So if you've got a dozen people around the table Thursday, at least one of them must be unhappy to be there. The question that would then make for good conversation is: Which person is the one suffering about his or her presence, and why?
Our Cranberry is No. 2!
Just Friday, TripAdvisor came out with its list of "Top 5 Thanksgiving Towns in the U.S." It named Turkey, Texas, No. 1, but right behind was our very own Cranberry. Those two were followed by Pie Town, N.M., Roll, Ariz., and Corn, Okla.
When all else fails, discuss those pesky deer
If you're still stumped for dinner conversation, we suggest throwing the table open to anyone with the best story about colliding with a deer.
This is the peak period for car-deer interaction (as opposed to the hunter-deer "harvesting" soon to be upon us) and Pennsylvania has more of that than any other state. State Farm estimates that 98,313 Pennsylvania deer were struck by cars -- or possibly the other way around -- from July 2006 through June 2007.
The chance of your car colliding with a deer in a given year is about 1 in 100 in Pennsylvania, State Farm estimates, so if you end up living to 116 and driving every year, you're almost bound to go hood-to-antler with Bambi. West Virginia motorists have an even greater chance of a deer collision -- the nation's highest at 1 in 57 -- because while there are fewer such incidents, that state's number of motor vehicles is proportionally even smaller.
So don't waste time trying to pick at old family scars, scabs and skeletons around the dinner table this week. Just ask Grandpa to wax nostalgic about that time his Chevy pickup took on a big buck, and let everyone digest that over some pumpkin pie.
First Published: November 19, 2007, 5:00 a.m.