Love thy neighbor?
This Morning Filer is blessed with good neighbors, both at home and in the Post-Gazette newsroom. And in the newspaper, for that matter. It makes a huge difference in the quality of your daily existence, I needn't tell you. But not all of you are so lucky. As Robert Frost wrote, and I think I have it right: "Good sound-proof, barbed-wire fences make good neighbors." Tim Dowling of The Guardian wrote about the state of neighbors in England, or as they are called there, "neighbours." and concluded that England is "a nation at war with next door." Here's his rundown, and let us know if you can relate.

Noise
Still a leading source of conflict, with the likes of loud music, barking dogs, squalling children and people who leave the radio on all day to keep their pets company. (Is it our imagination, or has the screaming car alarm problem abated with technological advances?) But guess what the prime offender is in the U.K.? Dowling: "A recent survey has found the most irritating neighborly noise to be wind chimes. Yes, their incessant tinkling can be annoying, especially during a tornado, but if you are the sort of person who complains about next door's wind chimes, then look no further for the Neighbor from Hell, for it is thee."

I'm going to have to rule against Tim on this one; he may be underestimating the power of wind chimes to induce madness. But we'll turn the microphone over to him for the rest of the way, because he has everything else right.

Smell
"Either you like the pungent odor of well-rotted horse manure, or of fresh grilled mackerel coming through the extractor fan, or you don't. In the main, you have to be careful with smells; you never know where they might really be coming from."

Backyards
"Homeowners regard their yards as outdoor rooms; in practice this usually means that they will stalk around them without a shirt on while barking into a mobile about how mashed they were the night before."

Parking
"Parking-related conflicts are among the ugliest disputes between neighbors, resulting in shouting matches, feuds, violence and even murder. These arguments are invariably based on a single misapprehension: that the small stretch of road outside your house is your private parking kingdom. In fact, it does not belong to you."

A good neighbor policy
You wouldn't know neighborliness was in such a bad state, judging from Portfolio's Random Acts of Kindness feature or from these representative responses to Dowling on Guardian.co.uk:

David, 37, builder: "I love classical music, and I play the keyboard and sing, but I try to be considerate. Sometimes they play this kind of bang-bang music between about nine and 12, which drives me crazy. It's different when I play my classical -- who could possibly object to strings and brass going off?"

Chantal, 29, attorney: "It's frustrating when you've had a tough week and want to unwind over the weekend, but the neighbors are having a barbecue. You hear everything and you feel like you can't use your own lawn because you'd be intruding. They're very nice and they always tell us, but you can hardly say 'no' when they ask if you mind them celebrating a birthday or something. I suppose everyone just has to be tolerant, and it's all about give and take."

Maria, 43, beauty therapist: "If we're having a barbecue, we think about the best time to do it. I'm on call for an elderly neighbor in case she falls. When we had an extension built, we spoke to everyone about it. Once, we allowed one of our hedges to grow too high and the neighbors complained, but we went out and hired some special equipment to cut it down the same day."

Who's the ass here?
You don't have to be a poor low-life to be a lousy neighbor. You can be a wealthy low-life! Texas oilman John Cantrell and attorney Gregory Shamoun have proved that. The dispute started when Cantrell complained about a storage shed Shamoun was building in his Dallas backyard. Shamoun, he said, escalated the conflict by bringing his donkey Buddy from his ranch and putting him in the yard, possibly in an effort to make the storage shed seem more appealing. Cantrell complained of donkey noises and piles of donkey dust. Then he did what any American of means would do in a dispute: He sued.

"They bray a lot any time day or night. You never know when they're going to cut loose," Cantrell testified last week, according to the Associated Press. First witness: Buddy. The donkey walked to the bench and stared at the jury, the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive trouble-maker he'd been made out to be. With compelling testimony like that, the neighbors settled their dispute that very day.

Peter Leo

First Published: April 25, 2007, 3:30 a.m.