Even though it seems we've been at this for years, primary season has only just begun. Like it or not, it's time to tune into this reality show ("America Idle"? "Survivor: America"? "Queer Eye for the Straight Democratic Candidate"?). To help you understand the process, here's a primer of political terms.
Primary season: The endless warm-up to a presidential election when voters get a chance, state by state, to practice their voting, get on television and, most important, see how good they are at meeting the expectations of the pundits and pollsters.
Heartland: The vast fly-over between Manhattan and California that serves as a TV backdrop during the primaries; inhabited by bankrupt farmers, unemployed factory workers and cracker-barrel types in mesh ball caps who hang around diners and bluntly speak their minds.
NASCAR Dad: Replaced Soccer Mom as fun name for demographic of highly sought-after voters, this one prone to speeding tickets, heavy beer-drinking, strong George Bush support and high Viagra usage. Next key demographic: The Disgruntled Columnist.
Iowa caucuses: A mountain range in Iowa that took on surprising political significance this year; contains one live volcano, Mt. Dean.
Spin control: Controlling the misinformation in a campaign; public relations.
Comeback: A subtle, witty rejoinder, for example, in Howard Dean's concession speech after his disappointing finish in Iowa: "Not only are we going to New Hampshire ..., we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York. And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C. To take back the White House. YEAHHHH!!!."
Sound bite: Getting your message across succinctly and colorfully for TV. (See "Comeback" and Dean's summary of his vacation plans); secondary meaning of sound bite: a key factor in winning the endorsement of the American Dental Association.
Momentum: Something a candidate has when he wins one primary in a row or comes in fourth when the polls and pundits had him coming in sixth.
Bounce, noun: A violent form of momentum; verb, what a candidate does to staffers after he's done something stupid, such as pose in a tank with a helmet, fail to get a makeover or bellow like a carnival barker on TV.
Media blitz: The unseemly rush of reporters to the hotel bar after they've filed their campaign stories.
Upset: When the voters brazenly refuse to conform to the polls and the pundits' predictions and give the wrong person the most votes.
Super Tuesday: The Tuesday before the Super Bowl, which this year is marred by the New Hampshire primary.
Exit poll: Dennis Kucinich asking as voters leave the polls, "Should I quit now?"
Smoke-filled room: Obsolete term for place where secret political deals are made. Replaced by a more open, democratic process known as the . . .
Fund-raiser: A fancy hotel dinner where guests pay through the nose and tip the candidate handsomely; more important than voting.
Negative advertising: Campaign advertising that attacks another candidate, instead of addressing important issues; universally decried in the news media.
Wimp factor: A candidate's inability or reluctance to engage in negative advertising; universally decried in the news media.
Accept a draft: Something a presidential candidate has to do early in life, as opposed to avoiding the draft; also refers to what a candidate must do during a photo opportunity at a gritty working-class tavern.
Media-bashing: Whacking your TV with a rolled-up newspaper when your candidate does poorly or you hear a goofy Dan Ratherism. ("This race is tighter than an armadillo's rectum.")
National conventions: Behavior viewed as standard, such as running red lights, saying "Have a nice day" and gathering by political party to wear silly hats on national TV and go on a four-day toot to confirm what everybody already knows.
First Published: January 26, 2004, 5:00 a.m.
