DEAR NATALIE: I want to cancel Christmas. I am so not in the mood to deal with my family, I don’t want to buy a bunch of presents (totally burned out financially this year) and really don’t want to deal with a million questions about my love life. I was thinking instead of skipping out and getting away for a few days. I mentioned this to my mother, and she was horrified. My grandfather is very old (and very sweet) and she said if this is his last Christmas and I miss it, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do. Do I let her guilt me into another year of holiday madness, or do I slip away unnoticed? Help! — CANCELING CHRISTMAS
Natalie BencivengaDEAR CANCELING CHRISTMAS: Oh ’tis the season for heartburn generated by uncomfortable family commentary about your love life or career (and if you are really lucky, both!). I understand the guilt that you are experiencing, but there are ways around this. Obviously, this isn’t just about your grandfather. It is clear that your mom would be upset if you skipped out on the holidays as well. However, sometimes we all need a break. Here’s two options: 1. Cancel Christmas. That’s right. Take yourself on a mini-holiday somewhere (preferably warm) and let the day pass by like it’s any other day. But, be ready to deal with the wrath of the family. Now, to offset this, you could visit your grandfather before you leave, sip some hot cocoa together and spend the afternoon reminiscing. When you get back, you could set up a special dinner with your mom to make up for missing out. 2. Compromise. Either go to Christmas Eve or Christmas Day (whichever is a bigger deal in the family) and then spend the other day at a spa massaging away the tension of the season. Make homemade gifts for everyone (like tins of fudge or chocolate covered pretzels) and call it a day. Either way, you are relieving some of the holiday-induced stress you are experiencing, and let’s not forget that chocolate fixes pretty much everything.
DEAR NATALIE: I have a tricky holiday situation this year. I just married a man with a daughter who is 12. He is a widower. His wife died of cancer five years ago, and I was the first woman he was with after her passing. We’ve been together almost three years and recently married this spring. I love him and his daughter so much, but she doesn’t like me. I’ve tried everything. We’ve even gone to therapy together, but she constantly reminds me that I am not her mother. But she needs one now more than ever as she heads into her teen years. I don’t want to have this tension, especially with the holidays, and I know this is a particularly difficult time for her. How do I navigate these choppy waters? — NOT HER MOTHER
DEAR NOT HER MOTHER: Stop trying to be her mother. You aren’t her mother, she won’t accept a new mother, so put that to rest. Turn off The Hallmark Channel, and imagine yourself in her shoes. She lost her mother when she was 7. That is old enough to remember her laugh, her smile, her smell. She has memories that are alive and rich and full, and she’s probably afraid that if she loves you, those memories will start to slip away. Just try to be a friend right now. Does she like art? Books? Science? Find out what her interests are and engage with her on that level. Maybe she won’t talk to you yet, but maybe she’ll go to the movies or science center with you. Keep putting yourself in situations where you both are focused on an activity but not necessarily focused on each other. Slowly work your way into having a casual meal together one-on-one. Be open to talking about her mother. Don’t take time away from her and her dad. Give them their space to continue cultivating their relationship. I know it may be awkward for you, but you are the adult here. Meet her where she is, be prepared for setbacks, slammed doors and tears, and focus on the day where you both can openly communicate. You can get there, but you have to show her that you are on her side, first. Take baby steps, stay positive, and be consistent with your love and affection (even when she isn’t).
Natalie’s Networking Tip of the Week: Want to see results on social media? Be consistent in your usage. Post regularly to the sites you most frequent and engage people on them daily. The only way to build a following is to show that you are active.
Natalie Bencivenga is the Post-Gazette's Seen and society editor. She has a master's degree in social work from the University of Pittsburgh. Need advice? Send questions to nbencivenga@post-gazette.com. Follow Natalie on Twitter @NBSeen and on Instagram @NatalieBenci.
First Published: December 6, 2016, 5:00 a.m.
