I'll try today to verbalize an odd, conflicted feeling that's kind of been strobing around and plaguing me of late. I know -- this sounds dangerous. Proceed only if you're willing to encounter several paragraphs of contemplative nonsense.
This weekend, as a final fulfillment of my Krakauer-McCandless love affair, I watched "Into the Wild." The film hasn't even hit Aussie cinemas yet, but I found my way into a special early showing, attended by journalists, some Sydney-based auteurs and manifold special film gonzos wearing plaid pants.
I loved the movie, and I knew I would. (I'd gotten chills just watching the preview on the Apple Web site.) But really, I shouldn't have been allowed anywhere near that cinema. Experiencing McCandless's life second-hand, particularly in large-screen, semi-romanticized terms -- growing attached to the characters he meets; admiring his resolute morality and spirit; seeing truth in anti-things minimalism -- made me want to run out of the theater deposit my mobile phone in the nearest rubbish basket and start walking barefoot all the way to India or something.
Thing is, I knew the movie would do that to me.
It left me with this message, one that is always an undercurrent of my thinking: Do what feels right, without compromise, difficulties and discomforts be damned.
But here's the other side of this.
(Conveniently, I can illustrate this with another several-hour block in which I stare at a screen.) Tomorrow, I'm heading back to my Cheers Bar in the CBD to watch the Steelers. I really miss the Steelers, just like I really miss a lot of things from back home. I can't think of a single thing I'd rather do in Sydney tomorrow than study the general condition of the Steelers' rushing attack and drink a beer or two. Game begins at 12:30 p.m. Sydney time.
It'll feel like a great reminder of home.
So let me get to the point here. Sometime in the next few months, much as I try right now not to think about it, I'll have to figure out a next step. Do I take another step toward the things I don't know? Do I step back closer to the things I find familiar? Both have immense appeal. And right now, I'm operating in that pathetic state where both scenarios feel alternatively desirable and trapping -- even necessary and impossible.
Most problems around this planet of ours come in far greater sizes than one guy's idle pondering, I know. And it's not like I'm debating some kind of disappearance into the hinterlands. More just thinking about the life I want next; how should it compare to the life I'd had months earlier? I'm sure I'll keep changing my mind about this stuff, so I'll spare you the updates. So long as Ben Roethlisberger doesn't pull a McCandless, we'll all be OK.
First Published: November 26, 2007, 11:00 a.m.
