Keep compliments on appearance general
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DEAR CAT: As a man, what are the rules about commenting on a woman's appearance in the workplace? I try to be friendly with the ladies in my office. I don't ogle them or hit on them, but sometimes I'd like to tell a girl that her top looks really nice, that red is a good color on her, that her perfume smells good, or that she just looks darn pretty today. I'm afraid the attention would weird them out, or they could misinterpret a compliment as an advance. Where do you draw the line? -- PRETTY INNOCENT
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222
DEAR P.I.: Workplace compliments are tricky. For example, noticing a female co-worker's perfume can be creepy. A harmless "that's a nice scent" could sound like "you smell gooood." Likewise, commenting specifically on a woman's top is risky because "that's a very pretty blouse" could make her feel ogled. It may sound ludicrous, but frequent or overly detailed compliments with words like "pretty" translate as you eyeing a colleague in a non-professional way. Stick with basics like an occasional "you look nice today," or at most, "great haircut!" It's fine to laud someone's efficiency or presentation style, but when it comes to personal appearance ...
CAT'S CALL: Draw the line at anything that could be misconstrued.
DEAR CAT: I have been married for 20 years. Right after we married, I started to notice things about my wife, like her constant flirting. It's gotten her into a ton of trouble and ruined my career in the process. It doesn't matter who it is. If someone is in her line of sight, she enters an almost-trance with bedroom eyes. We went to marriage counseling, and she admitted to it but said she didn't know she was doing it. Huh? She's had countless boyfriends (i.e. affairs) and she slips up by telling me about them in weird ways. Why do I stay with her? My family is plagued with divorce. I hate it, and no one is going to raise my kids but me. The two things about her that drive me nuts: 1) her flirting and fooling around, and 2) she'll tell anyone anything, like she doesn't have a filter in her brain on what to say. Help! -- WHY DO I STAY?
DEAR WHY: I'm sorry to hear this story. It's disheartening and frustrating, especially because your wife is perfectly aware of her flirting. Marriage should bring a sense of safety and comfort, but yours brings sadness and, apparently, the downfall of your career. So here it is. ... You stay because you respect the institution of marriage. You stay to challenge all the divorces you've seen. You stay because her behavior has ensured your jealousy and insecurity. And you stay because you don't want to be alone, even if that means being miserable. Remember, you may feel like you're raising your kids alone, but they see and feel all the tension and unhappiness. If therapy hasn't worked for you as a couple ...
CAT'S CALL: It's still a good idea for you alone.
First Published April 19, 2011 12:00 am
