GOP, learn from 'The Simpsons' (D'oh!)
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As Republicans prepare to choose their presidential candidate for 2012, they would do well to think about the latest Washington installment of "Life Imitates Art" and about how best to avoid a repeat -- either from the Obama team or their own.
The art that gets unwittingly imitated in four-year cycles is classic animated satire: In a Clinton-era episode of "The Simpsons," as Republicans and Democrats gather at their respective national conventions, the GOP party faithful carry signs that say things like, "We want what's worst for everyone" and "We're just plain evil," while the Dems' placards proclaim, "We hate life and ourselves" and "We can't govern."
Such brutally funny observations could only have been the handiwork of gimlet-eyed, a-pox-on-both-your-houses cynics -- a population whose ranks, in recent years, seem to have swelled.
The conventional wisdom says the most optimistic presidential candidate wins. That simplification may apply once we've got a two-man race, but it doesn't offer much help when the non-incumbent's party is shuffling candidates in and out of front-runner status at a dizzying pace.
For times like these, why not apply the timeless insights of "The Simpsons"? The GOP candidate should be the one who seems most likely not only to prove his own party's parodied negative image false but also to prove the other party's negative image true.
Pick any presidential race in the past five decades and you'll see the Simpsons' formula fits. In 1976, Ford came pre-tainted, however unfairly, with Nixon's crabbed spirit and "just plain evil" record; Carter promised good government and evoked a sincere, homespun faith that would set right the ship of state.
Four years later, Carter's inept governance and sour spirit were crushed by Reagan's sunny invitation to "make America great again." As controversial as his conservatism sometimes was, the left could not persuade voters the Republican was "just plain evil."
And so on through the decades, from Reagan-Mondale to Bush-Kerry, the winner was the one who flouted his party's parody while driving home centrists' misgivings about the other guy.
In 2008, that candidate was Barack Obama. He promised hope and change. Unlike the dismal Dems of Simpsons' satire, he, his family and his followers loved life and themselves! He and Michelle were the "It" couple -- smart, successful and cool.
Mr. Obama made John McCain look like a grumpy old man -- the perfect emblem of a party that wants "what's worst for everyone." With the GOP bearing the Bush administration's albatross of "just plain evil" -- courtesy of Katrina, Guantanamo and Iraq -- the luminous Mr. Obama both underscored his opposition's negatives and promised to permanently disprove the Simpsons' parody of his party's self-loathing and incompetence.
In short, he wasn't Carter, he was Clinton -- but with a happy marriage!
"We can't govern"? Bah! Right out of the gate this administration, with a Democratic Congress behind it, passed a massive economic stimulus bill, bailed out Wall Street, took over Detroit auto-makers, announced the closing of Guantanamo Bay, passed another stimulus bill and appointed a czar for every issue under the sun.
"Yes, we can!" his acolytes had chanted. And for a while there, it seemed indeed he could.
But -- "D'oh!" -- the results of those heady days are in. Stimulus I and II didn't work, voters deplore the Wall Street bailout, and Guantanamo Bay is still open. The left wing faults Mr. Obama for what he didn't achieve, the right wing for what he did, and both sides are persuaded he just can't govern.
Mr. Obama's self-regard is much too high for him to blame himself for his woeful standing in the polls, but his dispirited followers seem mired in multi-directional loathing. This offers a historical turning point similar to Reagan's in 1980 and Clinton's in '92.
So who are the Republicans considering to run against a president who's busy proving the Democrats' negative stereotype true?
Primary voters should pick the one who seems -- by temperament and track record -- most likely to persuade the whole country that he's a fundamentally good person (not "just plain evil") and that he actually wants what's best for everyone. He must also provide a foil to Mr. Obama's sour stalemate.
Going into the Iowa caucus, the GOP frontrunners are Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.
Mr. Gingrich is too much like Mr. Obama to defeat him -- an inordinately high opinion of himself, incredibly thin-skinned response to criticism, bitterness lurking just beneath the cool confidence and a record that most recently stops at major electoral defeat.
An Obama-style Massachusetts health care plan is the cheerful and squeaky-clean Mr. Romney's only serious baggage. His more positive image appeals to voters while reminding them of Mr. Obama's failures.
A Romney-Rubio ticket would be unbeatable -- a historical moment worthy of, oh, Homer.
First Published December 19, 2011 12:00 am
