The Morning File: Need no-nonsense advice? The Morning File is here for you.
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The Morning File staff was stunned to read that this newspaper next month will begin publishing a new column by grandmother/real estate agent Mary Ann Wellener "to provide direct, no-nonsense advice to readers" concerning etiquette, relationships, career dilemmas and more.
We're a tad miffed, as we've been handling reader inquiries about such matters in a private, unofficial manner for some time and just assumed the new gig would be ours. Here's a recent sampling of how we've been offering advice -- maybe there was something wrong with our approach:
Dear MF: I own a professional baseball franchise in Pittsburgh and just heard that an owner of the hockey team here will be honored soon with a statue for public display. Another man who owned the football team, which people seem to forget was really putrid during its first 40 years of existence, has his own statue outside the football stadium.
Am I right to feel jealous and hurt that no one has suggested it's time for a statue to honor me?
-- North Shore Disgruntled Loser
MF says : Rules of etiquette dictate a minimum number of winning seasons a franchise owner must oversee before he can enter the statue realm. That minimum is one. Good luck .
Dear MF : I have the same need as everyone else to feel loved, but as a judge who has ordered all Allegheny County property reassessed, I feel like the skunk at the picnic whenever I'm at a party -- or picnic. Even my relatives and neighbors harangue me about how their property values were incorrect or inflated.
What can I do to make everyone love me?
-- Alone on the Court
MF says : Try ordering roll-back of everyone's property values to the 1912 figures. If it was good enough for everyone a century ago, when this was a humming metropolis, it should be fine now.
Dear MF : I run the transit agency for a major metropolitan area and am in a dysfunctional relationship with the state leaders whose goodwill I need to be financially viable. I want them to respect me, but I also love to receive monetary gifts from them. How far do you think someone in my position should go to gain their favor?
-- Lacking in Ports or Authority
MF says : You're not the first quasi-government official to end up in this dating dilemma. You should tell the governor that no one gets a free ride with you, and he's got to pay to play. If he doesn't go along, you should threaten to take your transit agency to another city out of state, which has always worked for sports teams blackmailing the government.
Dear MF : As a state senator facing retrial on political corruption charges, is it OK to wear a dress again that I wore to the first trial? Also, if people make unkind remarks about my sisters, is it OK for me to go after those critics myself, or should I keep leaving that to my brother?
-- Deja Vu Defendant
MF says : As it's typically the male politicians who have to lawyer up, let me say first of all on behalf of your gender, you go, girl! You should probably dress in muted tones for this type of occasion, however -- nothing that screams, "Look at me, I'd look good even in prison orange!" As for the bro, I've always said a big family that can remain tight when one-third of its members are indicted or under grand jury investigation will stay close forever.
Dear MF: Even though I won the year's first Republican primary caucuses, I can't get anyone to take my chances seriously against Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich as the campaign has progressed. Should I blame myself, Barack Obama, the media, homosexuals or someone else?
-- Way Behind in Florida
MF says : The media. Or better yet, homosexuals in the media who favor Barack Obama.
Dear MF : My contract to call football plays on the North Shore was not renewed even though the record of the team employing me has been among the best in the NFL nearly every year. Do you think it's too late now for me to call more short, quick passes to Heath Miller to get my job back?
-- Offensive Coordinator Feeling Defensive
MF says: Don't despair, as this is almost certainly an excellent time for men in their late 50s seeking employment, despite rumors to the contrary. I would look to land anywhere someone named Manning plays quarterback -- they usually end up making their offensive coordinators look pretty smart. Good luck.
First Published January 30, 2012 12:00 am
