TechMan: I knew in a moment it must be Saint Tech
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It's time again for TechMan's traditional (it's the fourth year) Christmas poem, with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore. The tech references have been updated.
• • •
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a device was glowing, not even a mouse.
Designer socks were hung by the heat pump with care,
In hopes that St. Techolas soon would be there.
The rug rats were nestled all snug in their futons,
While iPads displayed their many app icons
And mamma in her Snuggie and I in my bunk,
Dreamt of the dark future -- cyberpunk.
When out on the deck, there arose such a clatter,
As if my hard drive's head had crashed onto the platter.
To the window I flew faster than light,
Tore open the shutters to see such a sight.
The solar tree lights on the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of Swarovski to objects below.
When, what to my Lasiked eyes should appear,
But a Bluetooth sleigh and eight robot reindeer.
With a little old driver, as lively as heck,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Tech.
More rapid than 4G his coursers they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name!
"Now, Hulu! Now, 4Square! Now, iPhone and Swype!
On, Netflix! On, Facebook! On, Google and Skype!
To the top of the twitlist! To the Facebook wall!
Now surf away! Surf away! Surf away all!"
As dry leaves that before the leafblower fly,
When they meet with a leaf bag, they mount to the sky.
So up to the antenna his coursers did fly,
And cut off my viewing of "CSI."
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The clicking and clacking of each metallic hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning to look,
Down the chimney he came like a downloaded e-book.
He was dressed all in Spandex, from his head to his toe,
And his clothes were so garish that they seemed to glow.
A bundle of gadgets he had flung on his back,
And he smiled like a fanboy who got a new Mac.
His eyes were like LEDs, how they twinkled with glee,
He looked like a Mii I made on my Wii!
His appearance was as droll as one might expect,
And he moved sort of jerky, like playing with a Kinect.
An HDMI wire he held tight in his teeth,
And network cables encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a belly so great,
That shook when he laughed, like a cell phone on vibrate!
He was chubby and plump, like a Goodyear blimp,
I laughed when I saw him, so much I went limp.
A twist of his head and a chuckle so brash
Gave me to know he'd be running no Flash.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,
And filled all the socks, then took a shot from his flask.
And rubbing his fingers with lots of Purell,
He gobbled the cookies and said they were swell!
He sprang to his ride, his team he did call,
And away they all flew like cars leaving the mall.
But I heard him exclaim, lest we all be deluded,
"Happy Christmas to all, batteries not included."
First Published December 18, 2011 12:00 am
