Brothers and sisters: the dark side
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Ah, the holidays -- that special time of year when the magic of the season not only brings out the child in all of us, but transforms it into the belligerent brat of yesteryear.
Basic Books ($25.99)
No one is more familiar with this phenomenon than Jeanne Safer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist who has built a career based on the immature instincts at the core of family life. Her previous works include "Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life for the Better" and "The Normal One: Life With a Difficult or Damaged Sibling." Now she has penned "Cain's Legacy," a curiously superficial examination of the frequently tortured dynamic between siblings that forms what she calls "the template for all peer relationships."
The Cain of the title is of course the bitter farmer who dispatched his flagrantly favored brother in the Book of Genesis. For the sin of fratricide, he was reviled by his heavenly Father and banished to wander to the east of Eden.
Since then, most competing siblings have sublimated their murderous instincts in the socially acceptable alternatives of passive aggression and the application of noogies. But even these behaviors can produce damaging and remarkably long lasting effects, as Ms. Safer's research shows.
In case after case, subjects well into advanced middle age and beyond (55, 61, 83!) remain entrenched in mortal psychological combat with the beloved enemy of their youth. Issues of financial inequity and estate settlement may have replaced academic and social competition, but little else has changed.
For all the talk of "liberation" and healing, only a couple of subjects express a sincere desire for reconciliation; all others appear to welcome the opportunity to air their old grievances in a new forum. This includes the author herself, who repeatedly alludes to issues with her own late brother in a manner that is neither very professional nor very nice.
Some blame their situation on the false expectations created by the television programs on which baby boomers were raised (i.e., "the [expletive] Brady Bunch" and "Leave It to Beaver"); others observe the role of aged parents in perpetuating negative patterns; and a few possess sufficient insight to admit frankly, "I was very involved with myself." But no one honestly acknowledges the very real thrill of pushing emotional buttons that can fuel a family feud forever.
First Published January 1, 2012 12:00 am
