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Tuesday, April 15, 2003

By Dan Gigler, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

According to the reliable chaps at Bartlett's Familiar Quotations, 'twas Benjamin Franklin who once proffered the sagacious observation, "... in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." True that. Especially today, when the Taxman comes 'round sayin', "Let me tell you how it will be: There's one for you, nineteen for me," and you're at the post office just before midnight tonight sending your checks to Washington and Harrisburg, Ben's words are like gospel. So as I was navigating the misery of the 1040 this weekend, I started thinking about a Relatively Meaningless list of ... Other guarantees in this world

1. For those of us too young to remember the 1970s, being a Steelers fan is like taking the hottest girl to the prom and not even getting a peck on the cheek at the end of the night. They're the best team to be a fan of, but we keep getting teased year in, year out.

2. The average American male could write a treatise on his team's selections in the NFL Draft, yet barely muster an opinion as to what should happen in a postwar Iraq.

3. The following things will survive a nuclear holocaust: cockroaches, sewer rats, Don King, Jim Harrick, the Portland Trailblazers.

4. Even that pigeon-looking Penguins logo will be considered "retro cool" someday.

5. The worst song usually wins the "Pick That Tune" scoreboard game at PNC Park. Why? Because 12-year olds can scream as loud for Justin Timberlake as middle-aged mulletheads can scream for Joan Jett. The third song, which is usually decent, has no chance.

6. When watching TV late at night, it is physically impossible to flip past the following ESPN2 programs, "World Series of Poker," "World's Strongest Man," billiards, bowling, without watching for at least a few minutes.

7. When your SI comes in the mail, you flip directly to the back page (Rick Reilly). Unless, of course, it's the swimsuit issue.

8. "SportsCenter" commercials are usually better than "SportsCenter."

9. The NHL has been and will continue to gradually kill itself like Nicolas Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" -- slow and sloppy, with decision-making that had to be done under the influence.

10. If that's the case for hockey, then boxing has already killed itself like Christopher Walken in "The Deer Hunter": Gun to head of brainwashed participants in gambling game run by gangsters.

11. Someone will make a modern remake of "Raging Bull" starring Jamie Foxx as Mike Tyson.

12. If you hesitate for even half a second, some other dude is going to talk to her. And he will be better-looking and more charming than you.

13. Who Pitt picks as its next coach is generally a moot point, because by the end of this decade, college hoops will have about the same relevance as college baseball or college hockey, which is to say none, because all of the best players go pro from high school or are imported from foreign lands.

14a. Men will bet on anything. Proof: I won a finski from my buddy betting on the Pierogie Race on opening night at PNC Park.

14b. Always double down on 11, unless you are Jon Favreau in "Swingers." Or Pete Rose.

15. Men will forget birthdays, anniversaries, and social engagements but can rattle off player numbers, ERAs, draft picks and "Caddyshack" quotes like idiot savants.

16. If you're ever in a men's room line, anywhere in the Pittsburgh area, some guy who thinks he's Jerry Seinfeld will crack the inevitable Steelers game/sinks joke. This person is not funny.

17. The women's restroom is always closer. The distance to the men's room is inversely proportional to how badly you have to go.

18. Martha Burk will go down in history as the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question. No more, no less.

19. Use of Thunder Stix means you are a complete and total geek.

20. Men who badmouth women's basketball generally fail to recognize that Diana Taurasi would run circles around them, shoot their lights out and leave them with a coronary in the middle of the hardwood.

21. For every one good sports talk radio caller with a valid, well-thought-out opinion, you have to endure at least a dozen knuckle-draggers with minimal capacity for rational thought.

22. When with a group of friends, if you drop cash for the first round of drinks, you can count on coming out on the short end when the night is over.

23a. You, at your desk job, know infinitely more about your favorite team than the coach, general manager and owner of that team, because you watch their games as a hobby, whereas they have devoted their careers and lives to that team.

23b. You, and your grandmother, also can run, jump, throw, hit and catch better than the high-priced player on your team.

23c. You are also an idiot.

24. Serena Williams will someday embarrass a top-ranked male player in a pay-per-view event.

25a. You will not understand them, so don't even try.

25b. You will be reprimanded for leaving the toilet seat up.

25c. If you leave her, it's because you think you are trading up.

25d. If she leaves you, you probably did something to deserve it.

26. Just when you think it's not possible, baseball will find new and interesting ways to embarrass itself. The recent Hall of Fame flap with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins was a comical disgrace.

27. Ron Artest will end up atop a building with a high-powered rifle.

28. The beer guy will sell out just before he gets to your row.

29. Watching baseball would be a lot harder to tolerate if not for beer.

30. Prevent defense equals certain doom to every NFL team.