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Friday, August 23, 2002

By Rob Rossi, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

Mario Lemieux's resume is filled with legendary comebacks, none more impressive than the one he helped orchestrate yesterday. OK, so returning from a retirement gig a couple of years ago was fairly impressive. And, yeah, he did layeth the smacketh downeth on Hodgkin's disease in 1993. But that's old news, and, anyway, today isn't about Mario Lemieux's greatness.

	the skating penguin

Eh-eh ... today is about the skating penguin, who, thanks to The Owner, finally has officially replaced that dumb pigeon as the 'awkey club's logo. Many a season has passed since the skating penguin was unceremoniously bumped, and yesterday he sat down to tell his side of the story by going Out Of Bounds with the Angry Young Man.

AYM: Well ...

SP: Who are you? And what's this ... this Pittsburgh Tribune Review?

AYM: Dude, so much has changed since you've been gone, and not everything for the better. So, where were you all these years?

SP: Actually, I've spent the past two years hanging around town, making occasional appearances here and there. I went to the zoo a few times to tease some of my friends who thought my 15 minutes were up.

AYM: What inspired you to make this comeback?

SP: Well, Mario, obviously. Plus, I wasn't about to let Alexandre Daigle hog the spotlight. Also, to be frank, I needed a job.

AYM: I hear you, brother.

SP: And that in itself is strange ... because, you know, I don't speak English. Anyway, Mario called me after he bought the club to gauge my interest in returning. But I had a few things on my plate at the time. I was this close to reviving my acting career. Did you know I was in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls?

AYM: Didn't see it.

SP: Nobody did. Still, a few critics personally told me that my performance was brilliant. Some guy from New York called me, "the Next Great One."

AYM: What happened?

SP: The Rangers fired him. Oh, you meant with me? Women. And booze. One followed the other, actually. It was like one embarrassing Behind The Music episode, really. I bounced from girlfriend to girlfriend and relied on Dr. Jack to get me past the rough spots. It got so bad that I actually started listing to old ABBA albums. I hit rock bottom in Cleveland.

AYM: How so?

SP: My girlfriend pushed me out of a window, and I landed on a rock when I hit the bottom of this alley in Cleveland. That cost me an audition for the second Austin Powers movie, I was going for Mini-Me. And, honestly, I would have brought an whole different dimension to that role.

AYM: What is with this Las Vegas Gold?

SP: All those years of heavy drinking, I guess. After detox, I wanted a new look to celebrate my "new self." I had some cosmetic surgery at UMPC and my doctor suggested doing a "reverse Jacko." I can't begin to explain the procedure, but it was quite difficult. Worth it, though. Totally. I'm a big hit with the Miss Pretties now. Maybe you should give it a shot?

AYM: At this point, I'd try anything. How is Mario looking?

SP: Pretty good. I keep telling him that I'm not going through all this just to sit out the playoffs, and I think that has inspired him a bit. I'm back to win a Cup.

AYM: That might be tough without Yags.

SP: Yeah, but what can I do? We had our good times. I won't miss the late nights, that's for sure. My last year here, we would hit the South Side hard. We'd binge on Kit-Kats, then race around town at, like, 105 mph in one of his cars. He used to have this great pick-up line: "I'm rubber. You're glue. Say what you to me so I can do to you."

AYM: Did it work?

SP: [Chuckles] Always.

AYM: Other than the surgery, anything else new about you?

SP: I got a tattoo in 1997, but you can't see it because it's on my back. Also, I'm working on my undergraduate degree at Pitt. I'd like to play a few more years, but after that, I thought, well ... dentistry.

AYM: Odd for somebody with no hands.

SP: It's exactly that type of thinking that creates stereotypes.

AYM: No, really, you don't have any hands.

SP: Neither did Jay Caufield, and he's doing pretty good for himself.

AYM: Do you have any gripe with the pigeon?

SP: I wish we got along better, but it's an understandably fowl situation. He never really had a chance in this town -- too many people who don't give anything new a shot. Honestly, by the end of that Cup defense, I needed a break. I had dropped a lot of weight since 1968, and the game just didn't excite me that much. So, I wasn't too upset when they decided to bring a new guy in ... actually, them taking away my scarf after the inaugural season was more of a blow.

AYM: Really?

SP: Well, you try living in a two-dimensional town where the weather drastically changes from day to day. I'd get off the ice and waddle directly into 70 degrees and breezy. Do you know what the weather in this place does to a penguin's sinuses?

AYM: Would a new arena help that condition?

SP: Is Mario looking? ... Probably not.

AYM: Burgess Meredith or Danny DeVito?

SP: Neither, I'm the man, baby.

AYM: Actually, you're not.

SP: Well, you know what I meant.

Gene Collier took the day off. He will return with his brilliance next week. ...names@post-gazette.com .