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Wednesday, July 24, 2002

He's baaaaaaaccccckkk! Making a return to One Of America's Great Inside Pages is a man who understands the grand game of football -- or, at least, how it is played in his beloved Enger-land -- like no other. But, more on him later. First, the news (which might or might not have been reported elsewhere) ...

Rumor is running rampant that Brazilian World Cup star Rivaldo might head to Pittsburgh to finish the season with the Riverhounds now that he has been released from his contract with FC Barcelona. We asked internationally renowned football expert Mr. Soccer to consider what Rivaldo would mean to the Riverhounds.

Mr. Soccer says:

A-League soccer isn't quite comparable to Spain's La Liga, where Rivaldo toiled for Barcelona. It is, however, very similar to stuffing a dead fish with cotton wadding and kicking it around a beach in Rio de Janeiro, which -- ironically -- is his other option for this summer. Rivaldo might want to play for the Riverhounds because:

The playing surface at Bethel Park Stadium is minuscule, which means Rivaldo could score from anywhere on the pitch. This would enable him to totally eliminate passing from his repertoire, which has been a career-long goal.

That glory hog Ronaldo won't be there to steal the spotlight.

Rivaldo has won the World Cup and the Copa America with Brazil. He won the Spanish league and cup double with Barca. He was named FIFA World Player of the Year in 1999. "But," Rivaldo often confides to friends, "all of that would be nothing compared to playing on the same team as Phil Karn."

Despite all that can be gained by Rivaldo playing in Pittsburgh -- which includes attendance swelling by "dozens (and dozens)," according to team accountant M. Foley -- one thing seems likely to prevent Rivaldo from signing with the Riverhounds: He hasn't totally lost his mind.

Please don't call me again until the next World Cup. Make that the 2010 World Cup.