So, you heard the news today ... oh, boy. And, it hit you like another brick, one that was previously in "The Wall." How does it feel?
The Madness of March is over and (you can't get no) ... Satisfaction.
Hey, hey, hey.
OK, so we admit, college basketball isn't our 20-ounce bottle of Coke. But, that doesn't mean we don't feel your pain now that the NCAA tournament is done and the only meaningful hoops for you to follows will be the Lakers' run to another NBA title. That's not fun for anybody. ...
Well, maybe the freaks in LA-LA land. But, unless their celebration results in bitter disappointment for Bostonians, does it really count?
The point was: We care about you ... really, honest.
OK, so not very much at all, but Clockwork Orange is pressing the Angry Young Man to take a fan-friendly approach, and, unfortunately, he's taking it out on us.
Which is exactly why we've come up with The Perfect 10 Ways to Beat Post-Tournament Depression.
No. 10: Become One With Sweaterman
"The Cosby Show" is the latest stellar addition to Nick-At-Nite's lineup of reruns. Talk about a loaded roster: Bill "Sweaterman" Cosby, Michael J. "I Married A" Fox, Ted "Not My Real Hair" Danson and Rob "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" Reiner. Of course, you also could catch the Pirates on Fox Sports Net, but there is really only one reason to put yourself through that horror (and we'll get to that later).
No. 9: Burn Your Brackets
Seriously, why have you hung on to them this long? Once Duke lost, half of this country's college basketball experts were cooked, anyway. And, really, only 17 people had Indiana in the Final Four (14 of them have tattoos of Bob Knight); so, come on, babies, light a fire. It will be therapeutic.
No. 8: Anticipate Spidey
Thirty-one days until the only summer movie worth waiting on opens at theaters near you. Can you believe Angry's luck? "E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial" and "Spider-Man" in the same year -- bonus for your Spidey-bucks, Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane.
No. 7: Plan Your Mock NFL Draft
And, if you actually take this advice, seek professional help right about ... now (unless you are Mel Kiper, Jr., in which case you are about a decade too late).
No. 6: Organize A Trip To Montreal
The Expos won't be around forever, you know? Beside, if Radio Role Models are to be believed, the Dancing Miss Pretties in the Great White North are that ... damn ... good.
No. 5: Ride Around
If you follow alternate traffic patterns and detours, you'll learn how a normally 15-minute drive from PNC Park to Parkway Center Mall is suddenly longer than a movie starring Kevin Costner. And considerably less entertaining, especially if you end up in Uniontown.
No. 4: Work On The Short Game
Come on, man, even Angry is taking up The Greatest Game There Is. The Masters kicks off in less than two weeks; shouldn't you have hit the greens a half-dozen times by now? (If you see a Penguins player, don't let him play through.)
No. 3: Get Cup Crazy
No Mario? No problem. The NHL playoffs are sports at its best (even if they include those evil Flyers and whiny Capitals). The guess here is that Darius Kasparaitis will finally do what should have been done years ago -- retire Steve Yzerman and, in the process, Scott Bowman.
No. 2: Enjoy Silence
Hey, yo! No more Dick Vitale. What? No more Dick Vitale. It's true, it's true! No more Dick Vitale. Watcha' gonna' do? Crank up some "Damn The Torpedoes" and wait for Uncle Tom and the Heartbreakers to bring the real noise at Angry's favorite Pavilion.
No. 1: Worship Bob Walk
He isn't the best color man in baseball for nothing, folks. He was 2-0 on predicting stolen-base situations in the Pirates' opening-loss yesterday and did a great job of discrediting that fraud who is Mr. Met. Forget Eric Clapton; Walk is God!
Questions for or comments on "The Perfect 10"? E-mail Rob Rossi at names@post-gazette.com.
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