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Tuesday, January 29, 2002

By Rob Rossi

In this time of recovery from the horrific shock that was the Steelers' loss to the Patsies ... err, sorry, Patriots in the AFC championship game, we have made it our selfless goal to help the Love Ya' Black 'n' Golders through their miseries this week. Our advice: Lock the doors, cover the windows, turn off the lights and live in complete darkness until Super Bowl week is finished.

After all, this football stuff is serious business; why bother now that the Steelers have lost?

So, don't listen to the 1,001 talking NFL heads from ESPN (good advice for this week and beyond). Don't read One of America's Great or any other newspaper. Don't call Mark Madden, Scott Paulsen or Thor Tolo on the radio.

Quitting football -- especially Steelers football -- cold turkey is the only way to ease your pain.

And don't even think about watching that Big Game from the Big Easy. Rent a movie, read a book, whatever. Just don't watch.

We won't, and here's A Perfect 10 reasons why:

No. 10: Yawn!
Enjoy this gumbo New Englanders: Your Patsies have played in two Super Bowls (both in New Orleans) and have lost by an average of 25 points ... and now you get The (Unfortunately Named) Greatest Show on Turf.

No. 9: Mysterious Ways
U2, as great a band as any the past 20 years responsible for maintaining the soul of rock 'n' roll, has sold its own and will perform at halftime. At least Bono and the boys aren't allowing 'NSync or Britney Spears anywhere near their stage.

No. 8: Pat Summerall
Pass the bourbon, this is New Orleans. "You know, John, the Patriots don't seem to have an answer for Marshall Faulk." ...

No. 7: John Madden
... "And I'll tell you why: Marshall Faulk, he's a player. Watch right here, see ... pow! He sees a hole and runs though it. When I was coaching the Raiders, I always told our running backs to run though the holes. And that Marshall Faulk, he runs though holes."

No. 6: Commercials
Remember the one from when the 49ers played the Chargers? The one that ...

No. 5: Kurt Warner's wife
The Peacock on speed is enough to make us all long for the days of Mommy Brister. Lady, your husband is a two-time league MVP, are a fashion consultant and a decent haircut too much to ask?

No. 4: Diva on the loose
In what could become the most-watched performance of the "Star-Spangled Banner," we only have one tiny concern: Mariah Carey is, well ... nuts.

No. 3: FOX stars
Hey, look! It's the cast from "24." And "That 70s Show." Bill O'Reilly and the Factor. At least the real fans got in, right?

No. 2: Dr. Evil
Rams Coach Mike Martz, before the game, "Why score trillions, when we can score ... millions."

No. 1: The Patriots!
"Shirley, you must be joking." We're not, and don't call us "Shirley."

Rob Rossi can be reached at rrossi@post-gazette.com..