Sunday, November 09, 2003

Since it's midseason, many publications are choosing their midseason All-Pro teams. The heck with that. Here are some other midseason awards:

Comeback player: Joey Porter, all the way back from gunshot wounds in his buttocks and thigh. He says he's put the shooting "behind him."

Comeback broadcaster: Merril Hoge, from stage 2 lymphoma, discovered on Valentine's Day. After rounds of chemotherapy, Hoge said, "The doctor said my body responded in unbelievable, miraculous fashion. All blood levels, urine, were back to normal in a month. There are no effects whatsoever. It's a monumental victory, my friend."

Most disappointing teams: Steelers, New York Jets, Atlanta, Oakland, San Diego, U.S. women's soccer.

Biggest upset: Houston over Miami in the opener, thus getting rid of three-fourths of the nation's elimination pool participants after one weekend.

Best dance: Warren Sapp's wiggle at Atlanta that was inspired by Beyonce Knowles' video "Crazy in Love."

Most overrated player: Sapp. The dance is great, the act has grown old.

Worst quote I: Sapp's "Masta" speak.

Worst quote II: Rush Limbaugh's Donovan McNabb speak.

Gale Sayers most exciting player award: Dante Hall.

Best steal: Buffalo getting safety Lawyer Milloy just before the opener, thus making amends for cutting kicker Gary Anderson just before its opener in 1982.

Biggest steal, shortest effect: New England is 7-2, Buffalo 4-4.

Coaches on hot (soon to be not) seats: Dick Jauron, Gregg Williams, Marty Schottenheimer, Steve Spurrier, Dan Reeves, Bill Callahan.

It ain't over till it's over: Kickers Morten Andersen, 43, and Gary Anderson, 44.

Best spokesman: Mike Ditka for Levitra, the new impotence drug that competes with Viagra. Said Ditka, "Iron Mike's Rusty Mike. What the heck?"

Longest wait: Atlanta Coach Dan Reeves won the Falcons' opener in Dallas for his 199th win, and still needs one victory to become only the seventh NFL coach with 200.

Second-longest wait: Bruce Smith, 40, entered the season needing three sacks to tie Reggie White's all-time NFL record of 198. Smith has just 1.5 sacks.

Third-longest wait: Steelers linebacker Jason Gildon entered the season needing three sacks to surpass L.C. Greenwood, who owns the club's career record with 73.5. After seven games, Gildon has two, still one behind. "Geez, I thought he'd have it by now," Greenwood said two weeks ago.

Most selfish: Bruce Smith, bitterly whining about losing playing time in Washington. "I have goals that I would like to achieve. At some point in your career, you have to take a stand and be a little selfish." This is the same guy who skipped Buffalo's playoff game in Pittsburgh Jan. 6, 1995, because he was sick.

Worst idea: Jack Del Rio putting a tree stump and axe in the Jaguars' locker room.

Worst hang time: Del Rio's punter, Chris Hanson, swinging the axe.

Worst division: The AFC No.

Most timely penalty: The "leaping" penalty charged against Tampa Bay's Simeon Rice that gave Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt a second chance to win in overtime.

Biggest panic move: The Falcons benched their entire starting secondary last week for four new starters.

Best play: The "Hail Randy" pass-and-flip in Minnesota. "It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often," Randy Moss said.

Worst proposal: The 18-game season.

Second-worst proposal: Putting a team in Los Angeles.

Best proposal: Brian Urlacher's to Paris Hilton, not necessarily one of marriage.

Best quotes:

1. Green Bay special teams coach John Bonamego on Kansas City's Dante Hall: "What's more dangerous, a hurricane or a tornado? If you're in the middle of it, you're not going to know any different."

2. Baltimore coach Brian Billick, after giving Bengals coach Marvin Lewis a barely-there handshake after Cincinnati upset the Ravens Oct. 19: "Forgive me if I'm not popping champagne bottles for him."

3. Kordell Stewart, benched in favor of Chris Chandler in Chicago: "The only reason I'm not in there, for the most part, in my opinion is the injury." Stewart, who never missed a quarterback start with the Steelers because of injury, had a pulled thigh muscle.

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