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Sunday, May 11, 2003

By Steve Ziants, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

The Guy In The Stands doesn't claim to be Stephen Hawking or even Bill James, but was he the only one to see the message contained within Tuesday night's box scores?

A message that sustains faith in a master plan. Or at very least Retrosheet.org.

What he didn't know was that Count von Count of "Sesame Street" was the master with the plan.

The things a guy learns.

But hey, he should've seen it coming. The words of the prophets, after all, are written on strip club walls and T-shirt factory halls. Wizard god force-fed epiphany that he is not omnipotent. Orioles lay down with (Detroit) Tigers. Bill "Book of Virtues" Bennett unmasked by dizzy fates of lemons and cherries. Alabama coach laid low by date with Destiny (the latter isn't The Guy's line, but he wishes it were).

All heralding Tuesday's number of the day.

Five.

Sound familiar, Pirates fans? That was the number by which the Pirates led (9-4) going into the eighth inning in Houston. And we know how that one turned out. The Astros shaking hands. The Pirates shaking heads. Jeff Bagwell telling reporters: "Games like that don't happen."

Except on this Tuesday, it seemed.

There were at least a half-dozen games where "5" played an integral role in who won and who lost. Most in impossible fashion. Coincidence? Let's see Elias Sports Bureau find a day where one number had a greater hand in so many outcomes.

In St. Petersburg, Minnesota's Jacque Jones goes 5 for 5, including two home runs, in a 7-3 win against the Devil Rays. On none of the five does the Tropicana Field catwalk come into play.

In Cincinnati, Reds pinch-hitter Barry Larkin -- fresh from the disabled list -- homers in the bottom of the ninth on his first swing since April 10 to turn a 5-4 loss into a 6-5 victory against the Cardinals. "That gives me chills," says teammate Sean Casey.

In Arlington, Texas, the Blue Jays smash five home runs, including two by Carlos Delgado, in a 15-5 rout of the Rangers. "I don't know how to explain it," says Delgado.

In Chicago, Eddie Perez, who has never driven in more than 32 runs in a season, drives in five in the Brewers' 9-6 win vs. the Cubs. Afterward, he relates a phone conversation with his ailing mother, Lila, in a Venezuela hospital in which "she asked me to hit two home runs with the bases loaded." Wrong numbered day for that one, Lila. Besides, even Lou Gehrig in "Pride of the Yankees" wasn't crazy enough to promise Little Billy two grand slams.

In Oakland, Mark Mulder earns win No. 5, allowing just five hits in a 6-0 shutout of the White Sox. Proof that there is still some randomness at work in the universe, the game lasts just 1 hour, 49 minutes -- the quickest A's game since 1979. And even if a 10-minute rain delay at the beginning is factored in, it still takes just 1:59 to complete. Who says there are no more miracles?

Ditto our last example, where ...

In Baltimore, the Tigers' Dmitri Young goes 5 for 5 with 5 RBIs as Jay Leno's favorite punchline beats the Orioles, 7-6, for its third win in a row, which in itself represents an entirely different exploration of universal conspiracy and dumb luck. But five hits for a club that nine times in its first 30 games didn't get five hits as a team? "I cannot even fathom what went down tonight," he said.

And frankly, neither can The Guy.

He said he believed in the master plan. He didn't say he could explain it nor what this prevailing pattern of 5 have to do with it anymore than he can explain why a pattern of 0s and 1s align in some mystical fashion that allows you to make a few keystrokes and Ask Jeeves: What network whiz-bang first thought it would be cool to ask people to eat ear wax and bathe in worms for an hour of prime time entertainment?

As Young said, "It's going to take awhile for this to soak into my head."

For Mom, because of Mom

Officially, today is Mother's Day. The day we salute our moms with cards, flowers and phone calls for those who forget the cards and flowers. For former Pirate Jason Schmidt, Mother's Day came early this year. On April 30. Nothing can be so poignant -- at least with ball and glove in hand -- as Schmidt's tribute to his mother that night in Pac Bell Park against the Cubs. For that reason, The Guy saved making note of it until today. Late, but timely all the same.

Five days after burying his mother, Vicki, who died April 22 after a 14-month bout with brain cancer, Schmidt pitched "the highlight of my career" -- a three-hit, 5-0 shutout in which he struck out 12 and walked only two.

"I said a little prayer before the game," Schmidt said of his pregame chat with The Big, Big Guy In The Stands. "I said, 'It's your will. Just give me this game tonight.' That was it."

Need he have said more?

"Incredible," said an admiring Barry Bonds.

"It was his night," said Manager Felipe Alou.

And Vicki's. His mother's day.

Be my guest

Suddenly hot Jose Guillen hit a home run against the Giants last weekend at Pac Bell Park estimated at 460 feet. It was such a prodigious wallop that Giants Manager Felipe Alou wanted the umpires to check the bat. No problem, said Guillen, who was hitting .316 with 6 homers and 19 RBIs going into the weekend. Why the dearth of moral outrage? The bat -- and all the bats he's used since joined the Reds' lineup because of Ken Griffey Jr.'s injury -- have been Brandon Larson's.

Strange, but true

The Guy is sure the fans were buzzing in the eighth inning in Trenton, N.J., May 1 as the Thunder put the finishing touches on a 16-3 Eastern League win vs. Norwich. What, after all, can get the adrenal glands pumping more than a six-run inning in which your team does not put a hit on the board? That's right. Six runs, no hits. In fact, the Thunder batted around in the inning without registering an official at-bat, using seven walks, a hit batter and a sacrifice fly to navigate the order without a single AB going in the books. Local T-Ball leagues reportedly have asked for videotapes of the inning.

Star gazing

The All-Star Game at U.S. Cellular Field is still two months off, but preparations have already begun in Chicago. In keeping with the times, 35 life-sized bobbleheads have begun going up to decorate the downtown area. They are reportedly made to withstand both harsh weather and belligerent fans. "Hopefully, the Yankee [bobblehead] will survive here," a city spokesman told the Chicago Sun Times. The Yankee, yes. But The Guy isn't so sure about the first base umpire bobble.

Aged heat

So much was made of a comment by A's 1B/DH Scott Hatteberg about "Cy Young" facing "Cy Old" before Oakland's 2002 Cy Young winner Barry Zito faced New York's Roger Clemens Sunday in Yankee Stadium that it became a source of amusement to the players. After Hatteberg homered against Clemens in his first at-bat in what became a 2-0 A's win, teammate Eric Byrnes says "he got back to the dugout and someone asked if Clemens was throwing hard. He said yes. And they said, 'Is he throwing old hard or young hard?' "

This 'n' that

The Giants unveiled a statue of Willie McCovey near Pac Bell Park Sunday in a ceremony highlighted by the return of better than 50 club alums. "Somebody asked me why my statue was taller than Willie Mays," said McCovey, who is 6 feet 4. "I asked him, 'Haven't you ever seen us standing side by side?'" For the record, Mays is 5-11. ... Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina is the first pitcher in the AL to start 7-0 since Ben McDonald in 1994. ... The Tigers' demotion of one-time closer Matt Anderson to AAA Toledo opened the door for former major-leaguer Steve Avery to be called up. After not playing since 2000, Avery had a 1.93 ERA in 13 appearances. ... Mark McGwire, who has avoided the spotlight since leaving the game after the 2001 season, made a rare appearance in the clubhouse at Busch Stadium last weekend. "I'm different ... no, I'm not different. But when you retire, you retire from what you retired from," McGwire told Rick Hummel of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Certainly, words to collect a pension by. ... As if the Tigers already haven't been good enough for the antacid business in Detroit, they dubbed Steve Sparks -- knuckleballer Steve Sparks -- their new closer. ...

Owners are expected to vote on the sale of the Angels to businessman Arturo Moreno when they meet in New York Wednesday and Thursday. ... Devil Rays pitcher Joe Kennedy couldn't have posted more different lines in starts vs. the Tigers May 2 and Twins Wednesday. He threw a one-hitter in a complete-game, 2-0 win, then followed five days later by giving up 10 runs on 13 hits in four innings of an 11-6 loss. Does Dr. Phil have an opening on his calendar? "Very drastic," Kennedy said. ... And finally, even the Tigers' "big" winning streak this week didn't help them pull away from history. As of May 11, the 1899 Cleveland Spiders and 1962 New York Mets -- ancestors by futility of these '03 Tigers -- were 3-17 (.150) and 5-17 (.227), respectively. The Tigers were 7-25 (.219) entering the weekend. How big a hole have they dug themselves? Even a sweep of Tampa Bay this weekend would only have allowed them to match their worst 35-game start.

Shot and a jeer

Shot: Manager Alan Trammell wanted to know after the Tigers won their (gasp!) fourth in a row Wednesday "how many more wins it will take for everyone to stop being sarcastic about 'The Tigers Win!' " The Guy isn't sure. But he is pretty sure you haven't gotten there yet, Al.

Jeer: To Mets shortstop Rey Sanchez, who reportedly was giving his 'do a trim in the clubhouse mid-game April 30 even as the Cardinals were embarrassing his team, 13-4. What, Rickey wouldn't deal you in?