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Sunday, April 13, 2003

By Steve Ziants, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

News flash: Iraq Information Minister Mohammed Saheed al-Sahaf does not always tell the truth. While The Guy In The Stands understands that comes as a shock, The Guy still urges you not to believe one word al-Sahaf says.

Why, just this week, al-Sahaf appeard on Iraqi TV, wearing that beret confiscated from Baghdad Brownie Troop 417 and sporting those Hugh Hefner vintage 1978 eyeglasses, and told us that baseball season had not started. And he wasn't just talking about in Detroit.

"What they say about baseball is completely an illusion. They are sending out scores over ESPN and on the Giant Eagle postgame show, but they are a lie," he told reporters between reports that all flights in and out of Baghdad International were on schedule and the ribbon cutting ceremony of Saddam's new American takeout restaurant overlooking the Tigris would go on as planned Thursday.

"There is no baseball," al-Sahaf practically spit out. "Everyone knows it is too early for base-ball."

As he talked, pictures of stadium workers shoveling 6 inches of snow out of George Steinbrenner's box Monday at Yankee Stadium appeared. And empty seats at Jacobs Field. And snow-flecked brown ivy at Wrigley. And empty seats at PNC Park.

"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are to be pretending things which have never taken place. The Kansas Town Royals 9-0? The Peets-borg Men Who Steal 7-3? Bah, those foolish bas-tards do not even lie well."

All very entertaining stuff. But take it from The Guy, embedded somewhere between Section 315 on the North Side and the old Forbes Field wall in Oakland since the first pitches of the new season two weeks ago, baseball has begun.

Some of history-making proportion, in fact. Well, history according to The Guy, anyway.

So God bless the men and women in uniform for preserving our way of life. For making it possible for Sammy Sosa to hit his 500th home run last week, but more for the following stories from these first two weeks that make The Guy thank Bud Selig and George Bush that he was born to this great game.

Five to remember

X Fame: Sesame Street's "X" at last has reason to get x-cited because it has x-ited the schneid. In the 134th season of men playing for pay, a player with a first or last name beginning with X finally hit a home run when San Diego rookie Xavier Nady homered off San Francisco's Damian Moss in the fourth inning April 2.

J is happy, too: We know there isn't much reason to notice the goings on in Comerica Park this decade, but Wednesday afternoon saw a first worth noting -- the first game, according to Danny Knobler of Booth Newspapers, started by two pitchers named Jeremy. Kansas City's Jeremy Affeldt vs. Detroit's Jeremy Bonderman. We hear they were lining up a whole seven or eight minutes before gametime to snap up tickets to that one.

Walk on: Florida catcher Ivan Rodriguez, a free swinger who has never walked more than 38 times in a season, walked all five times at the plate in a 4-2 loss to the Mets Tuesday to tie the modern National League record. Even stranger, Kip Wells wasn't within a thousand miles of Pro Player Stadium.

Harden-ing of the batteries: Rich Harden enjoyed perhaps the finest opening to the season of anybody you've never heard of. Pitching for Class AA Midland of the Texas League, Harden threw 13 perfect innings over his first two starts -- both against Round Rock. That's 39 up, 39 down for the mathematically deficient. It earned his a promotion to Sacramento. And it made for great rejoicing in Round Rock, where the Express was scheduled to face Midland -- and Harden -- again this afternoon.

And finally ...

Just hit the mitt: It seemed simple enough. All Devil Rays pitcher Joe Kennedy had to do was step off the rubber in the sixth inning last Saturday night vs. the Yankees, announce to the umpire he was appealing a play at the plate and toss the ball to catcher Tony Hall. But, in a move that only adds to the snickering Devil Dogs mystique, Kennedy lobbed the ball over Hall's head and to the Tropicana Field backstop. His error allowed Yankees runners on first and second to move up a base and prompted an immediate hook from Manager Lou Piniella. "That," Hall said, with the simplicity of Lincoln at Gettysburg, "didn't work out too well."

On the bright side, it didn't make SportsCenter in Iraq.

Which gave the Devil Rays an idea. Working through adidas, they made contact with al-Sahaf to inquire about his level of interest in becoming club information minister. While viewed as a lateral move in some circles, the timing couldn't be better, as al-Sahaf's present contract is now listed as day-to-day.

Wasdin up

After John Wasdin threw his perfect game for Class AAA Nashville Monday, beating Albuquerque, 4-0, the subject of superstitions and ballplayers was broached with Sounds Manager Trent Jewett. While Jewett couldn't even begin to quantify the number of "believers" nor to what degree, "I can tell you this," Jewett told The Nashville Tennessean. "I don't know what [Wasdin] was wearing, but it will stink the next time he pitches."

Glove affair

On the subject of how fragile are the psyches of ballplayers, Mets reserve outfielder Tsuyoshi Shinjo had a special guest in the clubhouse after the game in Miami Wednesday -- the local Federal Express driver. Shinjo had a special delivery that needed to get to Los Angeles. Contents: His glove. It was in need of repair and his fix-it shop was La Tijera Bootery in L.A. "It's part of my hand," Shinjo said. It's also practically part of the family. He's used it for 13 years, even travelling with it on the road rather than packing it with the rest of his equipment. Did he fear post-partum depression? "I'm a little nervous," Shinjo admitted.

Stranger, but true

Rookie reliever Reynaldo Garcia is a rarity in Texas -- a pitcher with an earned run average under 4.00. He also has a 96 mph fastball, a daffy split-fingered fastball ... and did The Guy mention he is blind in his left eye. "He's amazing," Rangers Manager Buck Showalter said. "We hit as many grounders as we could hit at him [in spring training] and he didn't have a problem."

Cheese byproduct

Todd Zeile stands alone. So does the cheese, if you listen to Zeile. But at least he's The Big Cheese now. In hitting his first home run as a Yankee April 2 vs. the Blue Jays, Zeile became the first player in history to homer for 10 teams. Guess it's "a dubious honor," said Zeile, who began his career with the Cardinals in 1989. "It means I've been around." Pamela Anderson and Julia Roberts have been around, too, Todd, but The Guy doesn't think any less of them.

A baseball truism

Red Sox Manager Grady Little proves the point that every manager at one time or another will sound like Casey Stengel. After one of the many struggles by the Boston bullpen thus far this season, Little said of his beleaguered relief corps: "If they get 'em out, they'll be out there longer. If not, they'll be out there shorter." Of course, he left out: If they don't get in, they won't be out there at all. Guess he thought that might be stating the obvious.

This 'n' that

One of the changes instituted by new Brewers Manager Ned Yost is for his coaching staff to share the same locker room as the players. Observed reliever Curtis Leskanic (Steel Valley): "It makes me feel a lot better about my body." ... Dave Checketts, already a suitor for the Dodgers, is also reportedly heading up a group interested in buying the Braves from AOL Time Warner. ... You can see a lot of strange things in April. Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling, Pedro Martinez and Greg Maddux are 0-6 this morning; Kansas City's Runnelvys Hernandez is 3-0. ... After Mets comeback pitcher David Cone, 40, allowed just two hits in five shutout innings vs. Montreal April 4 in his first game back, Mets GM Steve Phillips told reporters: "I just got calls from Ron Darling and Sid Fernandez. They want to come back and try it, too." ... Did you notice who got the two hits off Cone? Expos pitcher Tomo Ohka. Meanwhile, Vladimir Guerrero struck out twice against him. Go figure. ... World Series hero Scott Spiezio, off to an .095 start, when asked why he wasn't in the Angels' lineup Tuesday night. "I'm guessing it's probably because I stink right now." ... So Hall of Fame President Dale Petroskey feared Tim Robbins and mate Susan Sarandon would turn a weekend celebrating "Bull Durham" into an anti-war rally? "I wasn't even planning to wear makeup," Sarandon said. Would've been OK by The Guy. ... Would anyone have even known there was a "Bull Durham" anniversary party at the Hall this weekend if Petroskey hadn't been so paranoid?

Shot and a jeer

Shot: From a column about the Devil Rays on the Internet this week. "[Al] Martin ... brings experience and character [to the team]." Experience, maybe. But character? Wonder if the writer talked to both of Al's wives or just one.

Jeer: Some Reds fans booed Ken Griffey Jr. as he lay on the turf after diving for a ball last Saturday that resulted in a dislocated right shoulder. "There's a lot of stupid people in this world," said teammate Adam Dunn. To compound their ignorance is the knowledge that they paid $6.25 a beer to help prove they were stupid.