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Sunday, March 23, 2003

By Steve Ziants, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

Spring training and buildup to the Academy Awards are a lot alike. The hype begins in mid-February, comes to a glitzy head in late March and the time in between is spent with talking heads from networks that begin with the letter 'E' hyping and dissecting that spring's few big-ticket stories.

Don't know about you, but The Guy In The Stands has had his fill of chatter about "Lord of No Rings (II Years Running)". The buzz that bubbled up out of nowhere for "My Big Fat Pinstriped Author" was fun at first, but finally left The Guy with a raging, skull-rattling hangover (OK, so not really). And in the irony of ironies, "The Hours", baseball's latest docudrama about speeding up games, seemed to go on for, uh, hours.

The Guy wants to take you past that tedium and the big studio propagandand machines this Oscar morning, and so comes to you with a few candidates for best scream play and live action shorts (are there dead action shorts?) from the past six weeks that might not have attracted the consideration of the Academy.

For instance, they missed ...

Gone With The Wind (For Three Days): Veteran Carlos Baerga misses three days of workouts with the Diamondbacks after being hurt while filling his car with gas. Seems a gust of wind blew the car door shut on his left middle finger.

Training Day: Arriving late to Legends Field in Tampa for the Reds' first exhibition game against the Yankees, car-poolers Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr. and Austin Kearns couldn't find a parking spot. Up against it, they finally pull into the first empty spot they find. Apparently, they either don't notice or don't care that the spot was reserved for some guy named Steinbrenner. Needless to say, Griffey's SUV is not in the spot when they return. "I don't care," said Dunn, the driver. "It's not my car."

Little Big League: About 15 minutes out of Winter Haven, Fla., and en route to one of his first starts of the spring against the Dodgers in Vero Beach, it dawns on Indians pitcher Brian Anderson that he's forgotten to pack his glove and spikes. The Guy has been accused of not knowing anything about the game, but he can say with some degree of certainty that glove and spikes have been critical to the success and well-being of just about every modern player since Bid McPhee. "This is the first time I've ever remembered my jock strap and cup and forgot everything else," says a sheepish Anderson. His fate cast, Anderson jumps in trainer Paul Spicuzza's car upon arriving in Vero, picks up "a pair of $65 spikes at Champs and a glove at Wal-Mart for $24.95 plus tax. It was one of those gloves that's already broken in, so you know the leather isn't too good," he says. "So of course, I got three come-backers." And a place in spring lore.

Twister: Milwaukee muscle man Richie Sexson, finding his new cap too small while getting ready for picture day, attempts to stretch it out while the cap is still attached to his head and -- voila! -- an injured neck.

Gone in 60 Seconds: Marlins hopeful Toby Borland has his Dodge Intrepid stolen out of the team hotel parking lot. OK, we hate to capitalize on another human being's misfortune, but ... "They have video cameras, but my car was parked -- get this -- too close to the hotel, so the camera was on top of [the theft] and couldn't pick it up," Borland says, his disbelief knowing no bounds. "You got a Mercedes, a Lexus, a Hummer, a doggone Tahoe and a Dodge Intrepid [in the parking lot]. They steal the Intrepid."

None, however, come close to the tale of Padres pitcher Jay Witasick. His story blends an unusual mix James Joyce and "Ernest Goes To Camp." We aptly title this selection ...

Watermelon Man: It seems like an innocent enough chore -- taking out the garbage after a hard day at the park. What man among us has not done his duty? And this particular man uses his right arm hundreds of times a day at work. What's one more flip of a Hefty? Almost his season, as it turns out. "[The bags] were heavy, had some watermelon in them, apparently," explains Manager Bruce Bochy. "He tossed them into the Dumpster and strained his elbow." Good thing they didn't have corn on the cob that night, too. Doctors say that if the elbow had been stretched just a little bit more, he might've needed "Tommy John" surgery.

Which prompts an exasperated Kevin Towers, who has already lost slugger Phil Nevin and closer Trevor Hoffman for at least half the season, to turn in the best performance given by a beleagured general manager in a supporting role:

"We've had more MRIs than RBIs this spring."

Take that, Clark Gable.

P/PH/1B/OF

There's a little less than a week left before teams break camp and Brooks Kieschnick is still with the Brewers. And fans everywhere should cheer. He might be the best pure baseball story going this spring.

At 30, the former two-time national collegiate player of the year at Texas and first-round draft pick of the Cubs, has reinvented himself into what a Milwaukee columnist calls "a Swiss Army knife-type player" -- just your typical relief pitcher/pinch-hitter/first baseman/outfielder. A bust as strictly an outfielder in 113 big-league games (.220, 47 Ks in 173 ABs), Kieschnick rediscovered the mound at Class AAA Charlotte last season and suddenly became an attractive -- and intriguing -- commodity. "I've never seen anybody like him," says Brewers Manager Ned Yost.

"Over the course of five or six times a year, you really get in a bind late," Yost added. "You can either be one pitcher short or a player short, and Brooks gets you over that bind a little bit. He buys you that one extra player."

Those possibilities took center stage March 15 in a 7-2 win vs. Texas. He entered the game in the bottom of the fifth as a pinch-hitter, stayed in the game as a pitcher (2 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 3 Ks, 3 BBs) and contributed a two-run single while earning the win. For the spring, he has allowed four runs in 10 1/3 innings (3.48 ERA) and is 3 for 9 with a home run and five RBIs at the plate.

"I'm rooting for him," says Yost. Maybe we all should be.

Talk to the animals

You've got to give the Red Sox credit. They may play in one of the oldest major-league markets in the game, but their thinking this off-season has been equal parts Dr. Phil, Rotisserie League and aromatherapy. Their general manager is 29. They hired stats maven Bill James as an adviser. And this spring they held "Media School" for players on how to best deal with the scoundrels of print, radio and TV. "[The players] need to know they're not in Kansas anymore," offered CEO Larry Lucchino.

How I spent my vacation

J.T. Snow might have hit a new low, er, way to experience life outside the game. He served as water boy for the St. Louis Rams during a game against the Eagles in Philadelphia. During one timeout, Snow ran onto the field and was squirting and doling as we've seen water boys do on Sunday afternoons, but Marshall Faulk refused to take any. Not now, kid. "But Marshall," Snow reportedly pleaded, "you gotta hydrate. You gotta make me look good here."

To Hafner and have not

Peoria, Ill.-born-and-bred Jim Thome was as down-home and aw-shucks as big-league power hitters who sign $85 million contracts can be. If it's possible, his heir apparent at first base for the Indians just might make Thome look absolutely continental.

Travis Hafner hails from Sykeston, N.D. (pop. 180). Upon arriving at Cowley County (Kan.) Junior College, "the coach said we were going down to the field and take some fungos, and I said, 'What's a fungo?' " Hafner told Sheldon Ocker of the Akron Beacon Journal. "The coach must've thought, 'Where did this guy come from?'

"And when the coach told me that the way to get a runner from first to third was to go the other way. I figured that was real top-secret information. I thought that probably was one of the greatest things I'd ever heard."

Oh, Travis! Beware of those painted city women and keep your money in your shoe, son.

Sign of the times

Upon hitting in his 59th and 60th consecutive games March 10 to break Robin Ventura's NCAA record of 58 games in a row, Salve Regina University's Damian Costantino told Steven Krasner of The Providence Journal: "That's always been a dream of mine, when I was playing Whiffle ball in the back yard." To be a successful baseball player? To make the majors? "To be on ESPN."

Sign of the times II

Fans couldn't walk up to a ticket window and buy a seat for the opener at Great American Ballpark in Cincinnati. No sir. The only way a fan could strike one of the coveted tickets to Game I Edition I vs. the Pirates was by phone or online. It irritated the computer illiterate. But it also frustrated the savvy internet surfer. On a typical day, the Reds' Web site receives about 5,000 hits. The morning tickets went on sale? Try 720,000. All this for 14,000 tickets.

This 'n' that

One-time All-Star-turned-journeyman Ruben Sierra, back with the Rangers for a third go-around this spring, tells T.R. Sullivan of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram that "I can still go to the Hall of Fame if they let me play." OK. Sure. ... Funniest first eight words of any story in spring training: "David Wells disputed a claim in his autobiography ..." Think about it. ... From the Remember-They-Booed-Santa-Claus Dept.: After big-ticket signee Jim Thome homered in his first at-bat in a Phillies uniform, Manager Larry Bowa told reporters: "That will take some of the heat off him, because I know if he was 0 for 1, some people in Philly would've been panicky." ...

A name has emerged from the bunch of no-name pitching candidates in the Tigers' camp: 20-year-old Jeremy Bonderman (14 IP, 4 ER). He would be the youngest player to make the Tigers' opening-day roster since another 20-year-old in 1978 by the name of Alan Trammell -- the Tigers' new manager. ...

Former Pirate Adrian Brown is making a serious run at a roster spot in Boston. ... The Brewers sent Scott Seabol (McKeesport) to Class AAA Indianapolis this week. ... Someone finally acknowledged that it was about the money, stupid. Asked if he had any regrets about signing a contract extension with the Yankees, only to be the odd man out in the battle for a spot in the starting rotation, Sterling Hitchcock says: "It's hard to regret $12 million." ... Roger Clemens might be willing to let bygones be bygones so far as what David Wells wrote about him in his book, but The Rocket's not so sure about his family. "I've got three sisters and the middle one's a bit of a bruiser and she wants a piece of him." ... Can't you just hear it now. Bob Uecker steps to the podium at Cooperstown in July. "I'd like to thank my wife, the Milwaukee Brewers organization and Miller Lite." ... Apropos, don't you think, that in 1973 Tug McGraw coined the phrase that would define his state in life 30 years later -- "Ya Gotta Believe."

Shot and a jeer

Shot: The Guy doesn't want to alarm anyone, but Gen. Tommy Franks, chief of United States Central Command and the man directing the Allied attack on Iraq, makes $145,000 a year. The 25th man on the Tampa Bay Devil Rays will make $300,000.

Jeer: To the eBay Mentality. Who was Steve Bechler until he died? A nondescript pitcher whose autographed baseball card might've fetched a couple quarters if you were lucky. But within days after he died? $20.