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Sunday, June 02, 2002

By Steve Ziants, Post-Gazette Sports Writer

It was as if The Guy In The Stands had turned on 3WS this week and come across a tune forever stuck in a specific moment in time when he heard that the batting coach for the newly minted Washington Wild Things was an old, feel-good tune by the name of Joe Charboneau.

Talk about your blasts from the past. Your whack from the stacks of offensive attack. Your B-side from the land of the "Bittersweet Symphony" (The Verve, 1998).

If Charboneau were a song, he'd be "Seasons In The Sun" (strike the plural). Or maybe "Rappers Delight." Apropos titles, for if Charboneau were a song he would have joined them on VH1's 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders countdown this spring along with their performers (for those with a life, that would be Terry Jacks and the Sugarhill Gang).

It was the summer of 1980, the Indians were a sixth-place ballclub, unemployment was high, national morale was low and the city was in default, but Soo-per Joe ... Shar-bun-oh ... had Cleveland singing. Literally. He became so "Hot, Hot, Hot" (Buster Poindexter, 1987) so fast in that, his rookie season, the record "Go Joe Charboneau" was cut and on corner-bar jukes by midseason. After a decade of Paul Dade, Charlie Spikes and George Hendrick, here was hope.

He hit .289 with 23 home runs and 87 runs batted in en route to winning American League rookie of the year.

But his legend went beyond numbers. It began as far back as early March when the Indians were in Mexico City for a three-game exhibition series. Charboneau was stabbed by a fan wielding a ballpoint pen. It penetrated at least an inch and struck a rib. "Unbelievable" (EMF, 1983)? He was Super Joe. He was back on the field four days later.

So wild would Charboneau lore became that some insisted after he removed the pen he used it to give the "fan" an autograph. Others claimed he stitched up the wound himself.

Yet there was "More, More, More" (Andrea True Connection, 1976) ...

He was known to dye his hair years before it became chic. "I don't think baseball had a sense of humor then," he told CBS SportsLine.com. And he could take the cap of a beer bottle with his eye socket. "We used to try and top each other with stories, and that was mine. I didn't know it was feasible, but I found out it was."

Is it any wonder fans loved him. Is it any wonder he's still remembered in the same way "Walking On Sunshine" (Katrina and the Waves, 1985) makes you feel good (owwww!) even now.

Is it any wonder why those same fans cried "96 Tears" (? And The Mysterians, 1966) when it all ended less than a year later. A back injury in spring training of 1981 morphed into a chronic problem. Super was gone. Just Joe hit only .208. By midseason, he was back in the minors.

But unlike "You Light Up My Life" (Debby Boone, 1977), fans have not tried to forget him. When the 100 Greatest Indians of All Time were selected in 2001, Charboneau was there in the outfield next to Earl Averill, Rocky Colavito and Manny Ramirez.

And just as Bertie Higgins has Musical Youth to keep him company out on the far edges of the solar sound system, where "Key Largo" and "Pass The Dutchie" are likely just now getting their first airings in suburban Pluto, Charboneau has his own group of one hit baseball wonders to keep him company "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" (Iron Butterfly, 1968).

Read on ...

Memory teasers

Mark Fidrych: "The Bird," a 21-year-old mop-haired right-hander from Worcester, Mass., injected a dose of unexpected "Spirit In The Sky" (Norman Greenbaum, 1970) into the bicentennial summer of 1976. He went 19-9 as a rookie for the Tigers and started in the All-Star Game. But it was the private chats he had with the ball and his quirky tendency to get down on his knees to smooth out the mound in the middle of a game that made him like no one the game had seen. Knee and arm problems limited him to just 10 more wins.

Bobo Holloman: He threw a no-hitter in his first major-league start, pitching the St. Louis Browns to a 6-0 win vs. the Philadelphia A's May 6, 1953, then won just two more games and was out of the big leagues before the '54 season.

Brian Doyle: He was a career .161 hitter in 110 games for the Yankees from 1978-81, yet hit .437 (7 for 16) with four runs scored as a replacement for the injured Willie Randolph at second base in the 1978 World Series against the Dodgers.

Bob "Hurricane" Hazle: Called up in July 1957, he hit .403 (54 for 134) down the stretch to help the Milwaukee Braves win the NL pennant ... then collected only 24 more hits in a career that was over by the end of 1958.

Karl Spooner: The fabled "Boys of Summer" Dodgers called him up late in 1954. He answered the call by pitching consecutive shutouts against the Giants and Pirates in his first two starts, striking out 27 along the way. He blew his arm out the next spring, though, and was out of baseball by the end of 1955 with a career mark of 10-6.

And finally, a golden oldie that Pirates fans would swear came right out of the private collection of Porky Chedwick:

Dino Restelli: The Pirates called him up in June 1949. He proceeded to hit seven home runs in his first 39 at-bats and finished the season with 12 ... and then got only 38 more at-bats the rest of his career.

So there. If that doesn't inflate your "99 Luftballoons" (Nena, 1984), The Guy doesn't imagine anything will.

Upon further review

The Guy wonders if Seattle manager Lou Piniella ever heard the one about the guy in a bar who lost $10 on a horse race and $20 on the replay. Piniella was ejected from the Mariners' 5-1 loss to Tampa Bay Tuesday for one of the strangest reasons in the history of ejections -- arguing a replay. Five innings after the fact, no less.

After the Mariners batted in the eighth, the Tropicana Field video board showed highlights of the Devil Rays' five-run third inning in which Ben Grieve walked on a full count with the bases loaded (strike three, from Piniella's point of view) and John Flaherty followed by hitting a grand slam .

Piniella charged plate umpire John Shulock as if the sequence had just happened.

"Really, all I said was, 'Take a look,'" said Piniella, who originally had words with Shulock in the third. "He said, 'Don't remind me. Get the hell out of here.' Well, I got out of there."

Once tossed, Piniella kicked in the dirt around home plate before getting down on one knee and using his hands to cover the rest of the plate.

Lou-Lou's do-do

Shulock said afterward he does not hold grudges. Yet Piniella's mess remained on home plate even as Seattle pitcher John Halama got ready to pitch. Catcher Dan Wilson -- per Shulock's request/order -- finally had to perform the necessary housekeeping in order for the game to continue, even using Shulock's unused brush.

"I wish I had been out there," Piniella said. "We would have played with a dirty home plate the rest of the ballgame, I can tell you that. It probably would have helped him, if you want to know the truth."

Valentine's card

Is there anything Mets Manager Bobby Valentine can't do? He's manager, restaurateur, sex therapist, master of disguise (remember the faux moustache?) and baseball godfather (we'd like to make Roger Clemens an offer he can't get out of the way of). We can now add to that list Captain Kangaroo for the 21st century. The New York Times reports that "Superconductor!", the pilot for a children's television program, has been picked up by PBS. The program is geared toward teaching children about music, and the title role calls for a wisecracking manager, er, conductor. Enter Valentine, who did the pilot this winter. Valentine says he would be interested in continuing with the show "if time allows." No word yet on whether he believes the world is ready to accept the untold story of Bert & Ernie.

A beautiful line

Votes are still coming in from the outlying precincts on Shawn Green's day in Milwaukee May 23 (6 AB, 6 R, 6 H, 4 HRs, 6 RBIs, 19 TBs). Seymour Siwoff, president of Elias Sports Bureau, told Ross Newhan of the Los Angeles Times that "on the basis of production it's the greatest day in the history of baseball."

It was only the linchpin of a torrid streak, though, in which he became the first player in National League history to hit nine home runs in a calendar week (May 20-26). How hot has he been? Consider his numbers before the Dodgers started their series in Milwaukee May 21 and his numbers entering the weekend:

• May 21-Statistic-Current

• .231-Batting average-.281

• 3-Home runs-13

• 21-Runs batted in-39

• .346-Slugging pct.-.552

• .339-On-base pct. -.381

Wins & losses

Pardon Royals reliever Cory Bailey if, after 6 hours, 12 minutes of baseball last Sunday in Kansas City, he wanted to see if the guys wanted to go play three. Bailey, who had just one big-league win since 1996, earned both victories in a doubleheader sweep of the Rangers. He pitched a scoreless ninth in a 7-5 win in the opener, then got the final two outs of the sixth in a 9-8 win in the nightcap. It wasn't exactly the stuff of "Iron Man" Joe McGinnity, but it sure beats Bailey's recent history. "I got four losses the first three weeks [of the season]," Bailey said. "Sometimes, they come a little easier than wins do." The last pitcher to turn the trick was David Wells with Toronto July 17, 1989, vs. the Angels.

Bobblin' along

In case you were planning on stopping by Tropicana Field for today's Athletics-Devil Rays game in hopes of adding a Jason Tyner bobblehead doll to your collection, forget it. The Tyner doll giveaway scheduled for today has been postponed. Seems the man of the day was sent down to Class AAA Durham Tuesday.

But if you're lucky, you might still be able to latch onto one of the giveaways from Friday's game at Class AAA Charlotte. In one of the neater twists on the bobblehead fad, the Knights gave away 1,500 Tommy John "bobblearm" dolls. John, for whom the career-saving elbow surgery was named, worked for the Knights in the front office for six years.

Series of the week

Interleague play: Begins Friday with (at last) some new matchups. Among the best ... Diamondbacks at Red Sox: It looks like Curt Schilling (10-1) vs. Pedro Martinez (7-0) Saturday. ... Giants at Yankees: Barry Bonds takes his 585 home runs to Yankee Stadium for the first time. ... Reds at Angels: An unexpectedly good series between two of 2002's surprise teams.

Good

Box score lines of the week:

Good: Miguel Batista, Diamondbacks, Tuesday: 9 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 3 Ks in a 1-0 loss vs. the Giants in 10 innings. Has there ever been a more beautiful no-decision?

Wild

Wild: Tim Raines, Marlins, May 24: 1 AB, 1 R, 1 H, 1 HR, 1 RBI in a 5-4 loss vs. the Mets. After 8,810 big-league at-bats in a career that dates to 1979, he hit his first pinch-hit home run. "It didn't surprise me ... but it sort of startled me," Raines said.

Ugly

Ugly: Jolbert Cabrera, Bruce Aven, Chris Magruder: The starting outfield in a game this week for the Indians, a team that as recently as 1996 fielded an outfield of Albert Belle, Kenny Lofton and Manny Ramirez.

This 'n' that

The Guy isn't sure if there's a subliminal Hall of Fame message to be found here, but banned all-time hits king Pete Rose will co-host TBS' "Movies For Guys Who Like Movies" 11 p.m. June 11. That night's feature: "Mr. Destiny." ... Roger Clemens, David Wells and Mike Mussina had a combined pitching line of 13 1/3 IP, 21 H, 14 R, 12 BB, 9 Ks and an ERA of 8.10 in the final three games of the Yankees' series in Boston last weekend -- and the Yankees won two of the three to forge a series split. Go figure. ... Go figure, too, the fact that it's June 2 and the Cardinals by virtue of having won 9 of 12 against Houston already have clinched the season series against the team expected to challenge them for the NL Central title. ...

At last, someone that can twist the bill of that obnoxious AFLAC insurance duck -- Yogi Berra. "Well, if you get hurt and miss work, it won't hurt to miss work," Berra says in a new commercial for the company that bombards us with spots during ballgames. "And they give ya' cash, which is just as good as money." AF-laugh! ... Longtime ball fan Stephen King, horror author by day and burgeoning Devil Rays fan by night (what's the difference?), says he's even beginning to like Tropicana Field and its fans. "I saw some spirit," he told the Tampa Tribune on a recent visit. "They were yelling, 'Let's go Devil Rays' about as loud as a bunch of 70-year-olds could hope to yell."

Shot and a jeer

Shot: So it sounds as if the Pirates will take Ball State pitcher Bryan Bullington with the No. 1 pick Tuesday, meaning they will have dipped into that underrated bastion of big-league talent -- the Mid-American Conference ---- for their top pick two years in a row. Damn! The Guy was only 20 years too early (and 10 mph too slow).

Jeer: Ken Caminiti on steroids (figuratively and, well, literally). "But Da-a-a-d, why not? Everyone's doing it." Did that line of logic hold water then? Why should it now?

Steve Ziants can be reached at sziants@post-gazette.com.