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Sunday, October 07, 2001

The Beautiful Carol Merrill must be in her 60s by now. Yet, even though her best arm-gesturing days are behind her -- ah, has there been anyone since who could part Curtain No. 2 so, so well or look so, so good tethering a cow in a Minnie Pearl hat? -- The Guy In The Stands recognizes the need for a real gift-giving pro on this weekend of weekends.

Someone more than a Vanna Lite-White is required to help sort out the lovely parting gifts bestowed upon Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken before they head down to the AARP office tomorrow morning to apply for the 55-plus discount cards. For these two original gamers, only an original will do.

For three months since they announced their retirements, teams have gone to great lengths to pay tribute to Ripken and Gwynn, who played their final games last night (Ripken) and today (Gwynn). Teams have donated tens of thousands of dollars to their pet programs and favorite charities. Teams have given them so many pictures and mementos and standing ovations that the bills of their caps are worn through from tipping them so often.

Even Congress got in the act, taking time out this week from the economy and the War on Terror and the latest Gary Condit rumor to pass a resolution congratulating Ripken and Gwynn on their careers.

But not every gift was boiler-plate retirement fare. Some were so unique as to reflect inspiration not seen since, well, Monty was zonking the grandmother in the chicken getup with what was behind Door No. 2 ... where the Beautiful Carol Merrill, naturally, was standing.

The Guy's five favorites:

Dirt from old Comiskey Park: Presented to Ripken by the White Sox. So you mean to tell The Guy that when they tore the old place down a decade ago, owner Jerry Reinsdorf thought to himself, "Whoa! Hold the wrecking ball. I'd better save some of this dirt. Never know when I might need a cheap gift for a retiring legend."

Fly rod and reel: Presented to Gwynn by the Rockies. Knock, knock. Hello, McFly ... Gwynn grew up in Southern California, not southern Wyoming. Yet, The Guy supposes, given enough time in the batting cage, Gwynn could hit .320 with it if push came to shove.

Grand marshal in the daily Disneyland parade: Presented to Ripken by the Angels. While riding down Main Street, Ripken thought he spied Orioles owner Peter Angelos, who has overseen the deterioration of the once-model franchise his dad loved. But alas, he was mistaken. It was only Goofy with a red nose.

A green Fenway Park seat: Presented to Ripken by the Red Sox. This had the whole-hearted approval of Sox fans throughout New England. They were told it was Dan Duquette's seat.

And finally ...

A year's supply of stone crabs: Presented to Ripken by the Devil Rays. Any wonder the Devil Rays are in such dire straits? They think giving a man a case of crabs is a good thing.

On the road to 70

Jottings on Barry Bonds' road to 70 home runs ... Careful pitching? Nibbling? No guts? Between hitting his 69th home run last Saturday and his 70th in the ninth inning Thursday, Bonds saw 66 pitches -- 50 balls, 16 strikes. ... Jeff Kent made Houston pay for walking Bonds eight times. Kent was 3 for 8 with a home run and six RBIs following a Bonds walk. ... The quote that might best sum up Bonds' often frustrating week of so many walks, so few strikes: "I applied for a job to participate, not observe." ... The image that might be best remembered for summing up the agonizing wait for 70: Bonds' daughter holding up a sign Wednesday for Astros pitchers and an ESPN audience to see. Its message? "Please pitch to our Daddy."

Tough on Tuffy, too

Tuffy Rhodes of the Osaka Kinetsu Buffaloes wasn't having much better luck with pitchers on the other side of the Pacific in his quest to break Sadaharu Oh's Japanese League single-season home run record of 55. He finished the season stuck on 55 as he was for the last week of the season. Contributing to his problems was a series last weekend against the Daiei Ducks in which pitchers, according to one report, "hurled an uninterrupted stream of junk" every time he came up. But then, perhaps that was to be expected, The Ducks' manager: The great Oh himself.

They call it character

Testament this week to how Rickey Henderson might be changing with age ... and how Tony Gwynn has not. Before breaking Ty Cobb's record for runs scored (2,246) Thursday and while still several hits shy of 3,000, Henderson made known he would not play today even if he had not achieved either milestone. He did not want to take away from Gwynn's final appearance in front of the home crowd. "To heck with that," Gwynn said upon learning of Henderson's intentions. "I'd like to see Rickey get both the runs record and 3,000 hits before I'm gone. To be honest, if he got his 3,000th hit on my last day it would make the memory even better."

This 'n' that

Dig out those ticket stubs. For the record, Tony Gwynn's final major-league start was Aug. 11 at PNC Park. ... Red Sox Manager Joe Kerrigan intimated there will be tighter restrictions on media access to the team clubhouse next season, that "loitering" and "eavesdropping" by reporters contributed in part to the team's late-season tailspin. Wow! Such paranoia after only 42 games as a big-league manager. Who took the strawberries, Joe? ... Terry Francona (New Brighton) will manage the U.S. team at the World Cup in Taiwan next month. ... Saturday is the 30th anniversary of the first night game in World Series history: Game 4, Pirates-Orioles at Three Rivers Stadium.

Stretch runnings

Notes and quotes from the playoff races. ... The Braves might win their 10th consecutive division title, but for the first time since 1990 they will fail to finish with 90 wins. ... Oakland shortstop Miguel Tejada hit his 30th home run in a 9-4 win vs. Texas Tuesday, making him and third baseman Eric Chavez the only third base-shortstop combo in history to hit 30 homers apiece in the same season. ... The A's enter the postseason riding a 17-game home winning streak. ... The Phillies didn't lose the NL East this week. They lost it vs. the Marlins, against whom they were 5-14. ...

The numbers of Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa are so overwhelming that Arizona's Luis Gonzalez (.328, 56 HRs, 134 RBIs) has practically been forgotten the past month, but he went into Friday needing six hits to become the fourth player in history with 50 homers and 200 hits. The three who have done it: Babe Ruth (1921), Hack Wilson (1930) and Jimmie Foxx (1932). ... Another milestone was lost in Bonds' shadow. Teammate Rich Aurilia collected his 200th hit, joining Bobby Bonds (1970) and Willie Mays as the only Giants to reach 200 since the franchise moved to San Francisco. ... Should the Giants be involved in a playoff tiebreaker tomorrow, Jason Schmidt (13-7) will get the start. ... Schmidt's 13 wins match the career high he set with the Pirates in 1999. ... While it seemed in serious doubt much of the season, The Guy will stick by his preseason prediction of a Cardinals-A's World Series.

Shot and a jeer

Shot: Any significance to the fact that PNC Park, home to a team that had lost 99 games, was the site of a job expo Wednesday?

Jeer: The way teams have pitched around Barry Bonds this week even had The Guy pulling for Bonds ... which ticked The Guy off to no end.

Box score lines of the week:

Good: Sammy Sosa, Cubs, Tuesday

4 AB, 1 R, 1 H, 1 HR, 1 RBI in 5-4 loss vs. Cincinnati

The home run? No. 60. In the first 119 years of professional baseball, two men hit 60 home runs. He's now done it three times ... in three consecutive seasons.

Wild: Jose Canseco, White Sox, Wednesday

4 AB, 1 R, 2 H, 1 HR, 1 RBI in 2-1 loss vs. New York

The first player to homer at Yankee Stadium in six different uniforms.

Ugly: Cal Ripken, Orioles, Sunday

7 AB, 0 R, 0 H, 0 RBIs, 4 Ks in 1-1 tie vs. New York

So The Guy is too sentimental to kick Cal at his retirement party? He hadn't had a four-strikeout game since May 2, 1984. Oh yeah ... and he also threw two balls away.