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Sunday, September 09, 2001

How ridiculous a week was it for the San Diego Padres? If they had to put a face on it, it would have been Ann Heche's.

Saturday, Heche married camera-man Cole-man Laffoon. Yet Wednesday, she told Barbara Walters that her best "home run" seasons came while in her celebrated relationship with funny-woman Ellen DeGeneres.

The Guy In The Stands witnessed the same sort of mixed messages coming out of Qualcomm Stadium.

Incredible as it might seem, three times in four games between Sunday and Wednesday Padres opponents took no-hitters into the sixth inning against the home team, with St. Louis rookie Bud Smith actually finishing the job Monday. Arizona's Randy Johnson had a no-hitter through 5 2/3 innings Sunday. Cardinals pitcher Woody Williams took a perfect game into the seventh Wednesday.

The Padres were a combined 14 for 127 (.110) -- 13 singles and a home run -- while scoring just twice in 40 innings over four games.

What's more, this impossible week comes near the end of an equally impossible season in which Florida's A.J. Burnett no-hit them May 12, Arizona's Curt Schilling threw 7 1/3 perfect innings against them May 26 and Schilling and Randy Johnson combined to throw 7 2/3 no-hit innings against them July 18-19.

The only game that halfway resembled a normal night at the park occurred Tuesday when the Padres drummed up eight hits in a 6-1 loss to St. Louis and 19-game winner Matt Morris. Of course, in keeping with the theme of the week, all eight hits were singles.

"This is the toughest stretch I've seen a team go through," Padres Manager Bruce Bochy said Wednesday after losing to Williams and the Cardinals, 2-0.

Yet for as unreal as this anti-feat was, Padres players and fans could still, if they chose, follow Heche's lead and look at this almost impossible stretch of futility in two ways.

Despite scoring only one run in 22 innings vs. Johnson & Co. (Sunday) and Smith (Monday), the Padres still managed to win one of the two games, 1-0, when Ryan Klesko homered off Arizona's Byung-Hyun Kim in the 13th inning Sunday.

While Phil Nevin holds the ignominious distinction of making the final out both times the Padres were no-hit this season, he also prevented a record third no-hitter by breaking up Johnson's bid with a two-out single in the sixth inning. "I was thinking about that in the on-deck circle," Nevin recalled before facing Smith in the ninth inning Monday night. "I was thinking, 'I might be going for some kind of record here.'"

And on the subject of records, in spite of the fact that the Padres have been no-hit twice this season, been held hitless through seven innings four times, hitless through five eight times and been shut out a league-high 14 times, they still somehow found themselves within two games of .500 (69-71) entering the weekend.

The only thing more anomalous is the fact that for all the goose eggs hanging around their necks like so many luckless horse shoes, they still rank third in the National League in runs scored with 688.

The elusive 20

Obscured by Smith's no-hitter Monday was the fact that Padres starter Bobby Jones took the loss, his 17th, as he continues his own flirtation with history. Jones has the inside track on becoming the first pitcher to lose 20 games since Oakland's Brian Kingman in 1980. Don't believe The Guy? Then check out www.20gamelosers.com, the official Web site -- yes, there is one -- of the game's great losers. Site oddsmakers have made him a 3-1 choice. Going into the weekend, the Pirates' Jimmy Anderson (6-16), Baltimore's Jose Mercedes (7-16), and Arizona's Albie Lopez (8-17) -- the victim of Barry Bonds' 60th home run Thursday -- are 4-1.

"Should the chance to lose a 20th game be there, so will I," Jones told Bill Center of the San Diego Union-Tribune. "For me, it'd be easier to live with 20 losses than the thought of ducking the possibility."

Return of the hits

Until this month, what did 1991 AL batting champion Julio Franco and pop oddity Michael Jackson have in common? Answer: Neither had had a big-league hit in four years. It seems only fitting, then, that both make comebacks this month -- Franco in Atlanta and MJ with a reunion/tribute show at Madison Square Garden tomorrow night.

Yet for as many times as MJ has pushed the envelope of bizarre, The Guy's got to hand it to Atlanta GM John Schuerholz. Signing Franco scores a 9.5 on the Bizarro Meter in the pantheon of September stretch-run moves. It could also prove to be the most inspired.

But right now, it should say all that needs to be said about the state -- and desperation -- of the muddling Braves, who are 13th in runs scored (620) in the National League. Franco is 43 (though some books list him as "only" 40), was playing in Korea as recently as last season, and, until he went 2 for 4 in a 7-4 win vs. the Cubs last Sunday, hadn't had a hit in the majors since 1997. Nevertheless, Schuerholz plucked him out of the Mexican League, where he hit a league-leading .437, and plopped him down at first base in the middle of a pennant race with the Phillies.

"If we win, the [fans] will feel better and so will we. If he doesn't help us win, everybody in the world will remind me about it," Schuerholz told Bill Zack of the Athens (Ga.) Banner Herald.

So far, the Braves are 4-2 with Franco. And Franco? He's hit .217 (5 for 23) with a home run and three RBIs while offering them a better glove at first than either Ken Caminiti or Wes Helms. Is that a sequined glove by any chance?

Stretch runnings

Notes and quotes from the playoff races. ... Indians rookie and new-found ace C.C. Sabathia, 21, beat the White Sox, 6-3, Monday for his 15th win. The only other pitcher in AL history to win 15 in a season before his 22nd birthday: Babe Ruth (23-12 for the 1916 Red Sox). ... Remarkable in the Yankees' three-game sweep of Boston last weekend wasn't Mike Mussina's near-perfection, but the fact that New York did not score an earned run in 21 1/3 innings vs. Red Sox starting pitching. ... Oakland's big three of Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder and Barry Zito are 26-6 with a 2.77 ERA since July 1. Any wonder that Oakland has gone from eight behind in the AL wild card July 1 to 11 ahead. ... St. Louis' Darryl Kile (13-10) was given three extra days of rest since losing to L.A., 7-3, last Sunday. He'll start tomorrow vs. Milwaukee.

Series of the week

Giants (79-64) at Astros (83-58), Tuesday-Thursday. ... Wednesday (8:05 p.m., ESPN), Thursday (8:05 p.m., Fox Family). ... Big? The NL Central, West and wild-card races will all rise and fall on its every movement. ... And, oh, by the way, there's that little sidebar involving Barry Bonds and 70 home runs. Houston pitching has allowed the second-most homers in the league (191).

This 'n' that

Kevin Orie (Upper St. Clair) made the postseason International League all-star team after hitting .292 with 13 homers and 44 RBIs for Class AAA Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. ... The Red Sox finally broke a season-killing nine-game losing streak Wednesday, but it did little to lift the ugly mood that has enveloped the team. "It's depressing here," Boston catcher Scott Hatteberg told Steve Krasner of the Providence Journal. "... It can be a beautiful day outside, and as soon as you come in here, it's gloomy. Every day." ...

The Death Watch continues in Montreal. The Expos drew 3,613 and 3,806 for games vs. Atlanta Tuesday and Wednesday, then 3,406 for a game vs. Philadelphia Thursday, their smallest crowds since September 1984. ... Hall of Famer Dave Winfield was among those asking Bud Smith to autograph his ticket stub after Smith's no-hitter Monday.

Shot and a jeer

Boston Globe columnist Michael Holley on embattled Red Sox GM Dan Duquette, who has often been described as conservative, stiff and unapproachable. "Back in his bachelor days, he probably sidled up to young ladies and asked if he could treat them to dinner at a restaurant with 'competitive market-value' prices."

Box score lines of the week:

Bet no one noticed that Enrique Wilson drove in the only run.

The Phillies were 3 1/2 games behind Atlanta in the NL East entering the weekend. The Phillies are 0-4 this season vs. Trachsel, who is 33-59 since the beginning of 1999. Imagine: Steve Trachsel might keep some team other than his own out of the playoffs.

It's a bad day when of the four pitchers you use, only your third-string catcher, Tim Laker, (1 IP, 0 R) gives up less than six runs.