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Sunday, June 03, 2001

No matter how bad life got, The Mother In The Stands always bucked The Little Guy up with this cheery bromide:

Remember, Guy, someone, somewhere in the world is worse off than you.

Ahhh! Sniff, sniff! If that doesn't make you feel better, nothing will. Even today.

Consider the fate of the Bucks-76ers survivor, a.k.a the team with the deer-in-the-headlights look lurking in the background of the commemorative Los Angeles Lakers NBA championship poster soon to be available in Foot Lockers everywhere. Or the sad life state of viewers who make a point of tuning in Jillian Barberie's new show on Fox.

Even the Pirates -- last in the major leagues in hitting (.235) and runs scored (195), and next-to-last in victories (17) through Friday -- aren't the worst group of 25 men in spikes Abner Doubleday ever begot.

The Pirates are on pace to score 608 runs. Granted, that's a Mario Mendoza-inspired sum in an era where the Rockies are on pace for 1,017 this year. Still, the 608-run pace and the .235 average are not close to some of the futility our fathers and grandfathers witnessed.

To wit, The Guy this morning offers this "cheery" pick-me-up of truly "offensive" teams, grateful that they played before the advent of chat rooms, 24-hour sports talk and ESPN.

The worst hitting teams since 1900:

1910 Chicago White Sox, .211: Four regulars hit under .200. But then what could be expected of a team that started players named Lena (Blackburne), Chick (Gandil) and Patsy (Dougherty)?

1908 Brooklyn Dodgers, .213: It's not easy to finish 46 games out of first, but they managed.

1968 New York Yankees, .214: A year at the heart of the Dark Ages for the greatest franchise in history. Of course, in The Year of the Pitcher, seven teams hit .230 or below. On his last leg (literally), Mickey Mantle hit .237.

1972 Texas Rangers, .217: Proof that hitting cannot be taught. The team's manager? Ted Williams.

1910 St. Louis Browns, 218: Bad? They finished 201/2 games out of seventh place in an eight-team league.

The worst scoring teams since 1961, the year teams went to a 162-game schedule (excluding strike seasons):

1968 Chicago White Sox, 463 runs: Pitchers threw 335 shutouts that season, seemingly every other one against Chicago. Pete Ward and Tommy Davis led the club with 50 RBIs.

1969 San Diego Padres, 468: Expansion team. Excuse enough.

1968 Los Angeles Dodgers, 470: Blame Bob Gibson. Blame the high mound. Blame a lineup that couldn't outdo Tom Haller (53 RBIs) or Len Gabrielson (10 HRs) for team honors.

1968 New York Mets, 473: Still a year from becoming Amazin'.

1971 San Diego Padres, 486: By this time, no excuses were accepted. Especially for those mustard-and-brown uniforms.

Of course, The Mother In The Stands never wanted The Guy to get too satisfied with his place in life. So he is obligated to temper all the cherry pastries he just laid out with a cherry pit for your morning cereal.

The Guy reminds you of that 608-run pace and the .235 team average the Pirates lugged into last night's game with the Braves.

Now consider the 1962 New York Mets, generally hailed as the worst team ever to disgrace the game. That team of Marv Throneberry, Choo Coleman and Felix Mantilla scored 617 runs. That team hit .240. And that team lost 120 games.

Makes The Guy wonder if the Pirates couldn't use a player named Patsy.

And one other thing

Not that The Guy is picking on the Pirates ... but ... forget that Barry Bonds has hit 29 home runs in his first 54 games. Forget the record 17 he hit in May. Forget the fact that he blew past Willie McCovey and Ted Williams into 11th place on the all-time home run list with two mighty swings Wednesday night. For sheer comprehension of hot (and cold), consider that from May 17-30, Bonds hit 13 home runs. Over the same span, the Pirates hit 10.

Bring on the fat boy

Considering today's game in which beanball-sensitive umpires are mandated to police intention, The Guy wonders if Pedro Martinez, who broke a five-game losing streak to the Yankees this week, should expect a call from Frank Robinson for threatening an opposing player -- even one dead for 63 years -- after his challenge to "wake up the damn Bambino, maybe I'll drill him in the [behind]."

Birds of a feather

Dodgers rookie pitcher Luke Prokopec isn't 6 feet, 11 inches, he can't hit 100 mph on the radar gun and he doesn't throw left-handed. But he made like Randy Johnson while warming up for the third inning at Dodger Stadium last Saturday night. He accidentally killed a wayward bird with a pitch. Of course, because Prokopec isn't 6-11 and because he doesn't throw 100 mph, the bird didn't pass away in an exploding cloud of feathers as the one Johnson dropped in spring training.

Prokopec had only the night before been discussing the Johnson safari with first base coach John Shelby. "I sat back and said, 'Ah, that ain't ever going to happen again, guarantee it, no chance,'" Prokopec said.

Then he did it. "That's some sick stuff there."

Navigating the numbers

Can it be too far off when we start referring to the Seattle Mariners as a team for the ages? Their 41-12 record through Friday's 8-4 win against Tampa Bay tied them for the fifth best start in history after 53 games. The four teams ahead of them:

Team -- Year -- W-L

Pirates -- 1902 --42-11

New York Yankees -- 1928 -- 42-11

New York Yankees -- 1939 --42-11

Boston Red Sox -- 1946 -- 42-11

FYI: The latter three teams reached the World Series. The only reason the Pirates did not was that the Fall Classic was not initiated until 1903.

Series of the week

Cardinals (30-24) at Cubs (31-20): Tuesday-Thursday, Wrigley Field. ... Second series between NL Central leaders. Cardinals swept Chicago at Busch Stadium May 11-13. ... Cubs rode an 11-game winning streak into last night's game in Milwaukee, helping them wrest first place from St. Louis. ... Cardinals rookie Albert Pujols is third in the NL in hitting (.354) and RBIs (51). ... Chicago leads the league in pitching (3.78 ERA), paced by Jon Lieber (5-3, 2.95 ERA) and Kevin Tapani (7-1, 3.63).

This 'n' that

Cardinals rookie Albert Pujols is hitting .354 with 19 homers and 51 RBIs, yet didn't show up among the top five NL vote getters at third base (or anywhere else) in the first All-Star returns this week. Why? Because fans have to write him in. Must be too much work. ... Seattle rookie sensation Ichiro Suzuki's 187,730 votes (second in the AL outfield) are legitimate. The first returns from the 5 million ballots distributed in Japan won't be incorporated until next week. ... You want numbers? Fourteen pitchers threw 513 pitches to 159 batters in Arizona's 1-0, 18-inning, 5-hour, 53-minute victory in San Francisco Tuesday. ... Counting the 2-1 Diamondbacks' win in 12 innings Monday, Arizona and San Francisco needed 10 hours, 10 minutes over two games to amass four runs. ... Padres batting champ Tony Gwynn told the San Diego Union-Tribune this week that he'd be interested in becoming head baseball coach at his alma mater, San Diego State, after longtime coach Jim Dietz retires at the end of the 2002 season.

Shot and a jeer

Shot: To Marlins reliever Dan Miceli. At 0-5 and with a 7.23 ERA, you might want to tone down that chatter about what it means to be major-league worthy.

Jeer: To Diamondbacks Manager Bob Brenly. The next time The Guy has a perfect column going into the eighth paragraph, he's sure you'll be there to serve up a Pulitzer Prize-winning quote. After all, that's an unwritten rule of sports writing.