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Sunday, February 18, 2001

We now take a break from our regular (that is, coherent and informative) programming in this space to offer a fresh (i.e., ill-informed, borderline malicious) perspective on recent events in and around the National Hockey League.

What's New: Jacques Lemaire, 55-year-old coach of the Minnesota Wild, tells reporters that he will make a comeback as a player if he can get a guarantee that no one will hit him or backcheck when he has the puck.

The View: Upper management should take Lemaire up on his offer. Aside from 19-year-old Marian Gaborik, he'd be the closest thing to a skilled forward in Minnesota's lineup.

What's New: New York Islanders owner Charles Wang tells a group of season-ticket holders that General Manager Mike Milbury will be back for another season because "he knows more about hockey than anybody I know," but refuses to promise that Coach Butch Goring will return because the Islanders have "a morale problem" and "don't know how to win."

The View: Give Wang credit for recognizing and respecting tradition. Specifically, the tradition of ineptitude that Milbury has established and nurtured during his time on Long Island. Running off Goring is an important element in that mix, too, because if he were able to stay behind the New York bench much longer, he just might mold the few quality prospects Milbury hasn't traded away into productive players.

What's New: Edmonton's Sergei Zholtok, a 26-goal man last season, scored for the first time in 81 days last Wednesday.

The View: Now that Zholtok's slump is over, can an Aleksey Morozov hat trick be far behind? Yeah, probably.

What's New: Toronto President Ken Dryden petitions the NHL for a more favorable schedule next season, complaining that the Maple Leafs had too many sets of games on consecutive nights (22) and stretches with three games in four nights (16).

The View: With the way Toronto has played for the past 25 or so games, what the Maple Leafs really need on their schedule is some games against Tier II junior clubs.

What's New: Anaheim will take an 11-game winless streak at the Pond into its game against Calgary tomorrow.

The View: Considering the 8-16-4-2 road record the Mighty Ducks had going into this weekend, it's apparent that their real problem isn't playing at home. It's playing on artificial ice.

What's New: Colorado goalie Patrick Roy verbally assails a Montreal columnist, apparently in the belief that a headline in the Journal de Montreal was a veiled reference to a highly publicized domestic dispute with his wife.

The View: Roy is one of the greatest goalies in NHL history, but probably wouldn't be the ideal partner in a trivia contest. Not when he couldn't remember that the headline in question -- translated as, "When you forget, you forgive" -- was a direct quote that he had spoken in an interview about his messy divorce from the Canadiens, not his relationship with his wife.

What's New: Ottawa joins the Penguins, Philadelphia, St. Louis and New Jersey on the list of teams interested in acquiring Eric Weinrich from Montreal.

The View: Consider this the latest bit of evidence that if most NHL general managers were given a choice between picking up a capable defenseman at the trading deadline and dating a supermodel, there would be a lot of lonely ladies out there.

What's New: Wayne Gretzky, in a conference call with reporters after his group gained control of the Phoenix Coyotes, said he "absolutely" will not follow Mario Lemieux's lead and attempt a comeback as a player.

The View: With that assurance in hand, it's only a matter of time before Lemieux responds in kind by promising not to horn in on Gretzky's gig of pimping beer.