Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Amos Zereoue is the Steelers' starting running back. But we will see how long that lasts.

It's a conspiracy, you see. By benching two established starters in Jerome Bettis and Mark Bruener, Bill Cowher is trying to light a fire under all his veterans. If anyone can lose his job, then everyone will work harder and the listless, lifeless nature of the ongoing preseason will be turned around. Bettis will be starting again by the Steelers' second or third game. Maybe Bruener, too.

You buying it? Me, neither. But that's the theory making the rounds among some of the talk-show faithful. We're ready to shoot now, Mr. Stone.

Proponents of this theory point to Bill Cowher starting Jim Miller at quarterback in the first game of the 1996 season, then pulling him in favor of Mike Tomczak not long after Miller's first incompletion. If Mr. Bill did that, why wouldn't he do something similar in this situation?

Actually, what happened in '96 was a different kind of conspiracy. The Steelers' veterans, fresh off an appearance in Super Bowl XXX, had been trying to persuade Cowher to go with the much more experienced Tomczak at quarterback. When Miller didn't look like Terry Bradshaw right away, he hit the bench.

As for this latest alleged conspiracy, I'm willing to go with it as the gospel truth if only because it's so entertaining. The media campaign to get their favorite son Jerome reinstated is already in high gear, and that will only add fuel to the conspiracy's fire.

If Cowher does put one over on Zereoue, though, he will lose him forever. Zereoue may have gone to West Virginia, but he's not that dumb.

And, as it said in this space Saturday, Zereoue will start (and keep starting) because he is so obviously the best choice within the framework of what the Steelers can do on offense this season.

Then again, Mr. Bill started Kordell Stewart from 1998-2000 against all logic. So Zereoue probably imagines Freddy vs. Jason going on in the next room when he tries to sleep at night.

I really do miss Kordell, by the way. Not at quarterback. He was horrible a lot more often than not. But no athlete has ever polarized the opinions of this city's sports fans like Kordell. He made talk-show life easy. To incite the rabble these days, I have to resort to things like gloating whenever Barry Bonds hits a walk-off home run. He did that twice last week, by the way. Have they started working on that statue of Barry for outside PNC Park yet?

If Zereoue does get benched, I hope it's for poor play and not because of something Cowher worked out with the CIA, Fidel Castro or Sam Giancana. And if Zereoue is benched, times will be desperate for the Steelers because Bettis just won't be able to get it done. There's a fine line, I don't like where this football team is at, etc.

Meantime, other conspiracies abound.

It was once said that if you played Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you could hear tribute being paid to the devil. Well, if you play any of the Pirates' last 10 season highlight videos backwards, you CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE! This, too, is believed to be homage to Satan.

There's also a rumor that Pirates owner Kevin McClatchy is crying poorhouse and dealing all his, uh, "stars" because he can break his lease for PNC Park if attendance dips below a certain figure. This would enable him to move the team or negotiate a new, more favorable lease with the city.

This is pure balderdash, much like McClatchy's claim that the Pirates have lost $30 million over the past three seasons. For one thing, attendance at PNC Park may be 2,000 per game less than it was last year, but it's still on pace to be the eighth-best mark in franchise history. Not great, but hardly disastrous.

For another thing, a lot of people have been watching "Major League" a little too often. Don't confuse McClatchy with Rachel Phelps, the former showgirl who married a millionaire, then inherited the Cleveland Indians. Although, come to think of it, neither one worked a lick for their money.

I guess there's only one thing left to do: Win the whole thing! HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW!

All of this pales next to the Ted Williams head controversy, which isn't a conspiracy per se, but I'm a big fan of dismemberment, especially when it turns Sports Illustrated into the National Enquirer. Next week in SI: Kournikova pregnant with alien love child!

Speaking of the Enquirer, that fine publication reports that Kobe Bryant is offering the alleged victim in his sexual-assault case $5 million to cease cooperation with the authorities, which would, in effect, make the case go away. That's $1 million more than the cost of the diamond ring Kobe bought his wife to make amends. Talk about another cold, hard slap of reality for the little missus. Hey, honey, if you take the $5 million, you know what that makes you, right?

Next week in the Enquirer: Cowher tells Bettis, "You WILL start again!"

Mark Madden hosts a sports talk show from 3 to 7 p.m. on WEAE-AM (1250).

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