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Friday, October 18, 2002

By Gene Collier, Post-Gazette Sports Columnist

Many of us, particularly in the stinking media, claim some extended knowledge of what Bill Cowher goes through in a typical week of preparing the Steelers for 60 minutes or more of raging violence.

But the fact is, everything we know of the top jaw is way short of everything there is to know. Who knew, for example, that a week ago today Cowher was plotting to show the 1976 film "Network" at a team meeting the next night? Much less that Peter Finch's signature line, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore," would serve as the emotional talisman of a chanting gang of Bengal-slayers for the balance of last weekend?

How Cowher arrived at that film quotation on that night for that particular set of Steelers maladies is a story worthy of exposure, for it shows the breadth of techniques the coach will deploy not just to get a victory, but to tailor pop culture for his own highly specific purposes.

Or something.

Using the proven technique of, you know, making it up, I've been able to piece together a good representation of how it all went down.

By Friday of last week, Cowher knew he needed something elaborate from a motivational standpoint for a team that was reeling. He faced a road game at Cincinnati that had become inexplicably critical to his team's aspirations. Remembering the Dustin Hoffman line to Tom Cruise in the 1988 film "Rain Man": "I buy my boxer shorts at a Kmart in Cincinnati," Cowher knew that wasn't what was needed, but it was a start.

It could not be something so obvious and cliched as Schwarzenegger's "Hasta la vista, baby," especially since that could well have been the Steelers' situation had they lost Sunday, or Garland's "I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," since, in that case, well, most of the Steelers have never been to Kansas. Not that it made sense in the context anyway.

Further, the quotation had to be relatively short, something that could be chanted, but it had to have considerable agitation within it. Thus Cowher quickly eliminated Clifton Webb's famous quote from the 1946 film "The Razor's Edge": "If I live to be 100, I shall never understand how any young man can come to Paris without evening clothes."

Cowher rained figurative spittle on Clifton Webb.

The head coach didn't want to panic his players, who knew the importance of the Bengals game, and he didn't want to telegraph any doubts he may have harbored as to their fate in a season that opened with Super Bowl reservations. And so he eliminated the Albert Brooks quote from 1985's "Lost in America": "I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!"

He had to come up with something his team would be comfortable with, and it occurred to him it should be something that sounded vaguely soothing and familiar, perhaps like one of his famous malaprops or some tortured syntax. Briefly then, he considered this trenchant Danny Kaye line from 1954's "White Christmas": "When what's left of you gets around to what's left to be gotten, what's left to be gotten won't be worth getting whatever it is you've got left."

The coach liked it, as it seemed to have something to do with his team's situation, but dismissed it when assistants carefully suggested it was absolutely incomprehensible.

It was getting late. A few hours until movie time at the Cincinnati Hyatt. Also dismissed were "Mongo only pawn in game of life" from "Blazing Saddles", "Well, Tillie, when the hell are we gonna get some dinner?" from "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner", and, from "Mommy Dearest", "Tina! Bring me the ax!"

Finally, Cowher remembered "Network", but couldn't recall the exact quotation from Howard Beale, played by Finch. Whirling the tape backward and forward through the hotel VCR, the head coached clicked on all manner of seemingly significant dialogue. Finch's "We're in the boredom-killing business." Ned Beatty's "Good morning, Mr. Beale. They tell me you're a madman." William Holden, speaking of Faye Dunaway, with "I'm not sure she's capable of any real feelings. She's television generation. She learned life from Bugs Bunny."

The head coach knew none of them would work, although that last one might have been good for Andy Rooney.

Then, with just minutes remaining, Cowher's thumb hit the STOP button at just this instant, "I want you to get up now," Finch said, "I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore.'"

Steelers 34, Bengals 7.

Now he needs something for a night game Monday against Indianapolis. Maybe something that that speaks ominously of his perfect record on home Mondays. Might I suggest this from 1941's "The Wolf Man."

"Even a man who is pure in heart, and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright."

All right, maybe not. Cowher's still got a couple of days.