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Monday, December 17, 2001

Well, it wasn't "Titanic," which just so happened to be NBC's counterprogramming last night. It wasn't "Dude, Where's My Car," either.

ESPN's telecast of the Steelers' 26-21 victory against the Ravens last night took great pains to show us Plexiglas Burress. The three amigos in the booth were dead-on accurate about Kris Brown, talking about his road successes, following his third-quarter miss with a glance and a giggle over that PSINet Stadium sign Merry Kris Miss. But, man, did Joe Theismann butcher some names.

Chris and Kimo he could handle.

Fu ... ah ... ahmatah-Mafla?

"I got close to pronouncing it right," Theismann said. To which Mike Patrick replied, "I think you left out three vowels."

Von Olanhoffen?

"Remember," joked Theismann, once pronounced Theesman before a long-ago Heisman candidacy at Notre Dame, "I changed my name."

Theismann was all right last night: not too intrusive, not too windy. In fact, he let loose a couple of purposeful funnies. Most notably, on a Steelers flea flicker, he quickly quipped: "Don't like this call. Broke a leg on it once." Somewhere, even Lawrence Taylor chuckled over that one.

There also was Theismann's little repartee with Patrick after the Baltimore penalty that negated a third-quarter interception, on hands to the face. "This is like walking in the NBA -- you could call it any time," Theismann said. To which Patrick replied: "In the NBA, they never call it."

My favorite in this three-amigos booth, though, is Paul Maguire. This ex-player is supposed to serve as the comic relief, the modern-day Dandy Don Meredith. But the old Buffalo Bills kicker knows the game. He knows when to poke fun, when to insert a sharp opinion.

In the run-up to kickoff, Maguire was right: Steelers cornerback Chad Scott has fallen prey to double-move patterns.

Early in the fourth quarter, Maguire was right again: Burress should have incurred an offensive pass-interference penalty on a first-down catch.

It makes you wonder: Would some people rather have this guy in the "Monday Night Football" booth than you know who?

Maguire doesn't wonder about these Steelers and Ravens. He, like many of us, believes they will collide once more, in January.

"If they do meet again, I hope to God we get a chance to do the game," he said, selfishly, last week.

His playoff forecast? "Look, Oakland is a very good football team, once they start to figure out how to stop the run. I think the problem with Pittsburgh and Baltimore offensively is, Peyton Manning found out what losing a running back means, when he lost Edgerrin James. Last week, Pittsburgh made up the slack [against the Jets without Jerome Bettis]. But neither of these teams have much offense. Offenses get you to the playoffs. Defenses ... win it."

A few other observations:

WTAE-TV inserted only a couple of promos that I noticed; ESPN stuck in no fewer than 10 promos, some of which the local cable operators used to sell for regional commercials. By the way, besides a few of those ads, the only difference between the ESPN feed and WTAE's over-the-air carriage was the four-letter cable network had a little louder audio.

Uh, oh. Sideline reporter Suzy Kolber says Steelers defensive coordinator Tim Lewis told her that Kendrell Bell was faster than Ray Lewis. Wait until Ray-Ray hears that on tape. The trash talk will begin anew.

ESPN went away from the press box camera on the Steelers' initial third-and-short of the second half, so we didn't get to see the computerized first-down line. Man, have we become accustomed to that gizmo. Don't ever leave us again, Yellow Stripe.

Anybody else notice on the long sideline catch by Burress that receivers coach Ken Jackson was already so vertical, he leaped far higher than the 6-foot-5 guy making the reception?

Maguire on Bettis as potential league MVP: "In my estimation, what he's done for his football team, I'd say so." For what it's worth, Theismann picked Stewart as a Pro Bowler.

In addition to The Big Picture, Chuck Finder writes a general-sports column exclusive to post-gazette.com every Tuesday. He can be reached at cfinder@post-gazette.com