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Tuesday, October 30, 2001

You know, for a guy educated at less than Ivy-pretentious places Keystone Oaks High School and Point Park College, Dennis Miller is a pretty smart Pittsburgher.

A reference to Troy? Magellan? Denouements? Duvets? (Had to call Mrs. Big to ask about that last one.)

Being a Pittsburgh guy, Miller also invoked several homegrown references. The froth of Bill Cowher? The missing teeth of Jack Splat? The Steel Curtain? A Bob Prince wordplay? Elby's? (Although he called that last one by its California incarnation, Bob's.)

Not that this columnist ever claimed to be the sharpest blade in the drawer, but I herewith effort to define and dissect the Millerisms from last night's Steelers return to ABC's "Monday Night Football." Comments from Al "Albeano" Michaels and Dan "Dano" Fouts from the booth and Melissa Stark from the sideline also will be included. No extra charge.

Miller's pregame rant: After showing him accepting the key to the city from Mayor Murphy, the colorful commentator repeated his line from Sunday -- that he'll use the make to make this his personal Steal City. Then came his opening oratory.

"Nice to be back in the 'Burgh and be back to Steelers football. For a couple of years, it was absconded with by offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride, who ran a malarkey offense. Now they have an offensive coordinator named Mularkey, and he runs back to the good old-fashioned basics: 4 yards and a cloud of Bus." What, you expect me to give him a bad grade for puns?

"And," Miller continued, "it's nice to see it. I know Cowher is pumped for the season. We met with him yesterday, and I had to break out the spit shield from the salad bar at Bob's Big Boy Hamburger. Let's play some ball." Saliva spewed on that last remark. Look, there hasn't been so much liquid on TV since the last cable showing of "Perfect Storm."

Old jokes: Titans lineman Bruce Matthews is so ancient, he "played for USC actually when it was in Troy." Does a Trojan War joke make Miller a Homer?

Steel Curtain: All right, he knows his Steelers history. But what makes Miller so hip that he can change their nicknames from Hollywood Bags Greenwood and Fats to "Bags and Fatty Holmes?"

Gunner: Knowing how inside Miller's comedy strays, his description of Tennessee's first-half touchdown pass had to be an homage to Prince, the late, legendary Pirates broadcaster. Offered Miller of that pinpoint pass to Frank Wycheck, "That ball had eyes."

Coverage: On the Steelers defending Wycheck, he said, "Beyond blanketed, he was duvet-ed." It's pronounced doo-VAY. It's a comforter.

Splat: When ABC showed the Smithfield Street span, the Point Park grad joked, "Pittsburgh, the city of bridges. None of which were worn by Jack Lambert."

Geography: Michaels talked about acoustics lacking in Heinz Field as compared to the old bowl that was Three Rivers Stadium. He asked his Pittsburgh partner if the scoreboard was in the field's south end. "What am I, Magellan?" No, he's no Spanish discoverer. But he could play one on TV. In fact, wasn't that his role in "Joe Dirt?"

Denouement: The literary reference wasn't lost on his booth partners, who can really jump on a line. Dano -- "I don't think you've got denouements in football." Albeano -- "I had some for lunch at Primanti's."

Now, let us depart from the regularly scheduled Millerisms to talk briefly about Stark. She seems like a nice woman and a dandy reporter. But they didn't give her much room last night. I mean, Lee Flowers likes flowers? Eddie George, as she uttered in the pregame, is a "highly motivated man?" What was he the previous five weeks of the season, a "lowly disinterested boy?" At least he's no Boy George.

Hey, nobody's perfect. Not even the superb Albeano. He mistook Tennessee's No. 51 Greg Favors for the Steelers' Mike Jones, and that had to hurt Titans fans: Jones was the person who tackled Kevin Dyson inches short of the end zone in the Super Bowl before last. Michaels also accidentally called Jerome Bettis by Plaxico Burress once.

Miller still blurts ooooooohhhh and ssshhhhhheeeeewww too often. He still talks too much about the broadcasters' interviews the day before with such-and-such coach or player, a mistake made by most every football announcer. But everyone had to get a chuckle or two from him last night. Especially fellow Pittsburghers.

You had to enjoy that fourth-quarter beauty shot along the Monongahela River to the music of "Moon River." (ABC has money. They could have gotten Chevy Chase to croon "Mon River," couldn't they?) Miller enjoyed it.

"Look how beautiful my city is. Underrated. Underrated."

Dano asked, "You think they had Pittsburgh in mind when they wrote 'Moon River?'"

Albeano replied: "Maybe Moon Township."

Come again, guys. And don't forget to tip your wait staff.

In addition to The Big Picture, Chuck Finder writes a general-sports column exclusive to the http://www.post-gazette.com/ every Tuesday. He can be reached at cfinder@post-gazette.com