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Thursday, October 04, 2001

The fellow whose picture accompanies this column sure has a face for radio. His voice is a different distress altogether. It is monotone and drab and wisecracking, a drone that makes you wonder if you accidentally tuned into The Radio Proctologist. It spouts cliches, blurts "ohhh" during plays and makes more wrong predictions than a TV weatherman.

That voice emanated from your radio Friday night, live from the high-school football game between Pine-Richland and Hampton -- an exciting contest whose color commentator was not.

The idea started last summer. Why not take a spin behind a radio microphone, experience a night in the life of a color commentator? You bet it was a cheap column idea. It was also cheap -- i.e. unpaid -- labor for Alex Panormios, who operates the Red Zone Media radio network and audio web site.

So he sat The Big Picture next to Dave Shinsky last Friday night at Hampton High and on KQV-AM. Poor Shinsky, what did he do to deserve this? For one thing, his usual color commentator was summoned to the field, where Paul Failla coaches the quarterbacks for Pine-Richland. He needed a partner. Or did he. ...

Shinsky is a former minor-league announcer who works for the Pirates, a corporate sales account executive in their broadcasting/marketing division. He is an excellent play-by-play guy, a swell person and completely undeserving of the hand-holding/spoon-feeding he performed on a rookie last Friday. "Well, Chuck ...," he prefaced one opening. The scared dude beside him never responded. Dead air.

That was better than the first color commentary that followed the first play: "... I can't believe I just said 'size-wise.' " The second play was "a very nicely executed play." The third play elicited some eminently forgettable tongue-tripping blather.

Three times, the color commentator ended sentences on a preposition. Twice he invoked tired such as cliches "costly" and "momentum." Once each, there came the commission of the heinous "bread-and-butter play," "keeps alive this. . . drive," and "points on the board."

If it was insight the listener sought, fuggedaboutit. Incorrect forecasts of a pass play (it was a run), a punt (a fake), a penalty accepted (declined) all proved that nobody should ever take a stock tip from this goober. Criticism about poor clock management (it resulted in -- "ohhh" -- the winning touchdown) was balanced only by the neophyte broadcaster's self-deprecating remark about his "finite wisdom."

The nadir was reached in the second half, when not once, not twice but three times he muttered that Pine-Richland should expect no more gift turnovers from Hampton. By night's end, the Rams received five.

Meanwhile, down the row, there was Bob Orkwis of the rival NSN Sports Network announcing the game solo while also keeping stats. Now that's a radio man. So is Shinsky.

The Big Picture ought to stick to writing. Consider it a lesson learned. Color commentators have gobs of time to fill, often working games that merit little analysis. It isn't an easy job, particularly when you hardly know your subjects. But it is a fun gig. At least next to a pro like Shinsky.

Panormios, the Red Zone chief, called in with his report yesterday: "You seemed very prepared and very professional and had a good time. I think you did a good job."

But he was probably just bread-and-buttering up the color commentator for another Friday night's work.

Steelers special, other notes

KDKA-TV on Sunday will air a 90-minute special pregame show for the NFL regular-season debut of Heinz Field, followed by two more hours of post-game stuff. Pre-empting CBS' "NFL Today," the local affiliate will broadcast live from the Great Hall with its usual cast plus various festivities surrounding the event. After the game, a one-hour wrap-up and a one-hour special KDKA-TV presentation of the UPN-19 "Nightly Sports Call," co-starring the PG's Ed Bouchette and Dejan Kovacevic.

Showing the depth of our loathing for Barry Bonds, more households in the Pittsburgh market tuned in Tuesday to watch Bronson Arroyo's first career complete game than Bonds' attempt at home run history. The victory by the Pirates and that pitcher earned a 2.24 overall rating on Fox Sports Net Pittsburgh, compared to a 1.55 on ESPN2's Giants-Houston telecast.

Two interesting quotes from the ESPN Bonds SportsCentury special that aired last night and appears Monday on ESPN Classic. Former Pirates publicist Jim Lachimia: "His attitude was, and I remember him saying these exact words, 'If you want a friend, buy a dog.' " And from the PG's Paul Meyer: "If they ever got into a fight on the field, it might be 49 against one, and it was pretty clear who the one was."

Steelers-Bills earned a 31 TV rating and whopping 60 share Sunday in Pittsburgh, the third-highest numbers among NFL markets.

You can reach Chuck Finder at cfinder@post-gazette.com