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Monday, September 10, 2001

What a way to start the season: Beasley Reece.

Maybe that means we're disaster-proofed already. This television-viewing Steelers season cannot get any worse, can it? After all, his first comments to us yesterday were something about going to Hades and, man, we were there.

Just when CBS's Steelers-Jaguars telecast was starting and you were thinking that Don Criqui finally got probation, freed from a press-box prison with Reece and then Steve Tasker, you suddenly heard him and new partner Craig James throw it down to the sideline.

To our man Beasley Reece.

Oh, noooooooooooooooooo.

Right before kickoff, he talked about hell and Kordell Stewart losing 15 pounds this game -- both references to the Florida heat. Before the third series, he gave us a relatively inanity and news-free report on injured Kimo von Oelhoffen. After the first score, he appeared on our screens wearing a baseball cap? Fly lid, dude.

After the first penalty, he uttered some explanation that sounded like "the reflexive officials," and I'm not just being saffecious (see Reecisms, Steelers-Falcons, 1997) and sarcastically making this up.

By the third quarter, he was topless -- he flipped the lid, I mean -- and showed that he could stick his head in the rain like a man, or however he might phrase it. His third-quarter weather forecast was wild: "This rain is getting more interesting. ... There's a slight curve to it." Oh, what I would give to hear him, rather than WTAE-TV's Joe DeNardo, try to spit out anomalous propagation.

This was about the time James referred to Reece as a wet rat and opined: "How would you like to sit next to Beasley on the plane ride home?"

Uh, not me, thanks.

Finally, the last we heard from Reece was in the fourth quarter, with anotherillogical meteorology update. He claimed the climate had gone " from dangerously hot to a freezing rain." Funny, but no one else mentioned any ice or 70-degree temperature swing.

Does the Weather Channel have any openings? The Comedy Channel?

Anyway, as for the rest of the broadcast, it might have been Criqui's best Steelers game in years, probably because he was liberated by the booth appearance of the intelligent James. All right, so Criqui didn't tell us soon enough about an injury to Kendrell Bell, who suddenly disappeared from his linebacker position. He also once called Stewart "a great one" in the open field, spoke of a $13 million Steelers cap surplus (?) for next season and seemed to enjoy hearing himself repeat the mantra Zereoue. Still, he was better than before.

James could get really good at this NFL color commentary. He just needs to learn a few vital lessons. For one, quit mentioning your night-before interviews with players -- the folks at home don't care how you acquire the information, they just want you to know their teams. For another thing, don't keep talking about catching a plane home.

Other than that, James was a fun listen. His keen sense quickly detected problems in the Steelers' too-short passing game. He sees the secondary pretty well for an old running back.

He once lapsed into player-speak, talking after Jacksonville's first touchdown about "a single, high free safety," which sounded like a racy ad for a dating service. Someone from the production truck must have whispered into James' ear, because he explained and telestrated that free-safety coverage when CBS returned from a commercial. He also once provided commentary that will get him branded here as a Steelers hater: "Man, that is exactly what the Jaguars needed," he said after a turnover that quashed the Steelers' deepest threat while trailing, 21-3, in the third quarter.

More booth guys, fewer sideline reporters -- that's what we need.

Random notes

CBS' Jerry Glanville making tennis predictions? Oh, yeah, that's just what I want to see.

At station officials' request, WTAE-TV news anchor Sally Wiggin will return to their Steelers pregame shows before the club plays on ESPN/ABC telecasts.

If you dig the 55-yard line and the three-down game, the Canadian Football League airs every Saturday through Thanksgiving weekend on local independent channel WBGN-TV, found on most cable systems here.

In addition to The Big Picture, Chuck Finder writes a general-sports column exclusive to the http://www.post-gazette.com/ every Tuesday. He can be reached at cfinder@post-gazette.com